Not ready to go into the back story just looking for advice on dealing with only being able to have one child. We are happily married and have been trying for a second for sometime, it's looking more and more likely it's just not going to happen :(
How do you deal with the constant questioning of when you will have another, the snide comments about only children, your child (4yo) being upset about being an only child, on top of desperately wanting another yourself?
Dealing with the guilt of only being able to have one child
Dealing with the guilt of only being able to have one child
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Pregnancy
3 Replies
Firstly you acknowledge that being an only child doesn't damage a child. No child will end up in therapy because they don't have siblings. There are plenty of crappy things people do to there kids to damage them not being able to or choosing not to have more kids isn't one of them. So is make that my mantra from now on and start using that mantra to shut people up! If people ask also feel free to tell them it's none of there business. That the number of kids you have doesn't validate or not validate there life choices and that this is entirely about your family.
People need other people to want what they want in order to validate there choices in life. Like the friends who are all married and keep asking me when I'm going to get married ( which I have no intentions of EVER doing and drives them insane!).
This post could be written by a number of my friends. You are not alone with this feeling. It took me a long time to fall pregnant with my second child and when I would be asked if I was having another child I would say "we have been trying for quiet some time, hopefully we can". That normally shut them right up! There is no need to hide your desire to have another child. I don't have any suggestions on how you can deal with your need, I'm assuming once you have accepted that you will not have any other children it will get easier? Good luck IM
Dear IM
Here is my story that I hope you can take some comfort & extract your own bit of advice.. As really I don't have any without sounding like a broken record.. I know the "relax, it'll happen when the time is right" is frustrating & bullshit!
I met my partner just months after having my first child. We were keen to have one of our own together after we hit 2 years into our relationship. He was a great step dad to my daughter & I really wanted to give him his own biological child. Like super badly!
I did the diets to help with fertility, I did everything possible to be as fertile as possible, I got tests done & had surgery to fix endometriosis.. I learnt so much about my uterus- it was insane! my partner wasn't as on board (mainly didn't quit smoking but embraced diet and exercise changes) & refused to go to the doctors for help.. He didn't want to "buy" his baby so to speak when after a few years I suggested ivf. I tried different positions, tracking my ovulation etc.. I even took pregnancy tablets for 2 years to be in perfect shape!
My daughter was roughly the same age asking for a sibling- we just addressed it as "we're trying" as we didn't want to end up explaining more than what was age appropriate..
After she started school the questions pretty much stopped. I think for her she had enough friends to make up for it.
I was faced with "When are you having more", more so from his family, i struggled for a few years with it as it was added pressure I didn't need - I thought they blamed me.. I used to say "it'll happen when it will" hoping a relaxed approach might help.. It didn't. I eventually came to the point after a while and shifted the blame to my partner by saying when questioned "he won't got to the doctors" I noticed after I started doing that his family backed off from the subject..maybe they didn't want to embarrass him? They nagged instead about getting married lol- if it's not one thing it's another!
In 2012 we both made the decision to give up on our baby dreams - I had had 4 confirmed miscarriages in 9 years - none of which made it past 8wks.. Each one took a toll on us but communication got us through them.
Acknowledging that it was time to give up was super hard & heartbreaking & feelings of failure almost destroyed me. But we moved forward, I shifted my focus to my career and bought an investment property & started renovations on our house.. We still had a happy future with one child & we focused on that instead.
In December of 2013 we were right in the thick of Renos.. I was waking up fine but towards the end of the day I was bit sick.. I thought the Renos were making me sick, I was so stressed & not sleeping well.
I had a spare pregnancy test in the cupboard- the clear blue that tell you the weeks.. I don't remember what possessed me to take it, my symptoms weren't normal for pregnancy.. But I was gutted when it came up positive 3weeks +
I thought I'd be happy but here I was with no bathroom or kitchen & in the middle of packing up our household contents to do flooring & painting.. Stressing about budgets the last thing I expected was to be pregnant!
It threw the biggest spanner in our world.. My daughter who had just turned 10 was upset - I guess after so long of being an only child she suddenly was more concerned about us having a girl & she wouldn't be loved anymore.. She would only accept a brother..
My partner was upset as he was feeling at 45 years old he was now too old to be a dad to a young child.. He also wanted a son to carry on his family name.. Dealing with that was just as stressful in its own right. His family were ecstatic - probably more so coz his sister was also pregnant (there are 6wks between our kids) and the fact I was actually 10wks into the pregnancy.. Further than ever..
Guilt & doubts clouded me, I actually found myself considering abortion!
Even though our future has been thrown into the air, things been put on the back burner for now (thankfully the house renos got completed during the pregnancy!) we are happily struggling along with no sleep as our son is the world worst sleeping baby and now 17months old..
I have a 10 year & 8 month gap between my kids.. If we could have had him earlier- we would have as it's no fun dealing with pre teen, mid-life crisis & crazy mumma hormones & a teething tantrum chucking toddler BUT we also wouldn't have it any other way..
It honestly doesn't matter how you go about things.. Just live life & do what you do best.
Find some good girlfriends to download your heartache on to as I found the girls were better at empathy than the partner, but also because he will need your empathy if he doesn't talk with any mates..
Remember to communicate, communicate, communicate!.. It will take a negative toll on your marriage if you don't and the feelings of desperately wanting something to happen will eat you up inside..
Good luck IM I hope the baby you wish for comes... Xx