Needing some help with my step daughter.....
Hello everyone, im needing some outside advice so im sorry for the long post but i have been stewing on this for the last year....
So its all starts with i have 3children of my own and an amazing partner who also has a little girl who is 7. Over the last 12months she has become very abusive towards myself and sometimes my youngest who is 3. We have shared care of my step daughter but ive become to the point of dreading when she is coming over as i never no once she walks through the door will she say hello, or already be trowing a massive temper.
As far as im aware when she is with her mother there are no boundaries at all, basically she can get away with murder, but in our home there are boundaries but not only does she need to follow but so do my 3 children.
So the other day will be the best example i had sent my 3children off to their fathers cos he actually for once asked if he could have them for the weekend and so i took the opportunity and said yes as i thought maybe some alone time with my stepdaughter might help. As she always complains she never gets to do anything fun as she is always getting told off, but doesnt seem to see that its positive feedback with a time out to then an open discussion about the issue, so we took her out to fun fields and all she did the whole time was treat me like dirt, saying that i was fat, im a bitch and that i was saying no to some of the rides due to the weather being raddicously hot. So i said to her father why dont u guys go do something alone so i can chill and not say anythibg ill regret. So off they went then as they were leaving to do their own thing she turned around and said bye u fat ugly whore, infront of other people so my partner stopped and said no u can just relax now and think about what u said. Problem was this hurt and actually made me cry so i walked off to the toilets so he and she didnt see me cry. When i got back they were no where to be seen, and i went what the hell have i done wrong to this child that i love so much, what have i done for her to call me such rude things.
My partner came back and said im so sorry for her words, and i still being alittle upset said maybe ur daughter should be apologising not u and why did u just let her say that to me.
Basically nothing got settled with that we then came home only for me to cop that im a meanie im a bitch why cant i let her do whatever she wants and leave her dad.
So i waited till she was asleep and said to my partner maybe its best we split for a while as ur daughter is hurting me emotionally just to get told but u are a bitch to her u never let her have fun nothing.
So i guess my question is, is it wrong for me to ask she respect the family rules and have the same expectations of her that i do of my own and not to feel like im walking on eggshells or am i just a crazy mum who is being to harsh.
I did ask him to leave last night and that we will work things out slowly as i think he should get her some counseling just to get thrown back at me ur a deadbet of a mum.........
Probs more of a vent here but this behaviour has been happening for a couple of years now just to have last 12months getting worse. I feel im not allowed in my own home with my own children without it being an issue for this child.
Any advice would be appreciated as im completly torn on to work stuff out or run as fast as i can...... xx
5 Replies
I would be running. Clearly your partner doesnt have any reapect for you if his calling you a dead beat. And this is seriously rubbing off on his daughter. I would not accept someone in my house that is going to be so abusive its staggering that a child that is 7 knows all those words my 7yr old would never say something like that. This child needs aome serious counciling to help with her anger issues
No advice, just hugs I really feel for you xx
My.only advice is to take it slowly. I mean really slowly.
She's saying she's always in trouble, you call it positive feedback, whatever it is its not positive. So you need to lower your standards, (for now) set lower, clear expectations, such as I don't want you to say swear words today' and find something positive to say, you might need to ignore a whole heap of swear words, but at the end say I really liked all the times you didn't say swear words today! Well done!
This is faking it til you make it. It may seem silly, but it's not. What you're creating is positive interactions. She will go away feeling like you actually like her and see something good in her.
Then as her behavior improves and your relationship builds you can raise the bar step by step.
Poor girl, try to remember she is just seven and obviously very unhappy and torn and whatever she says and does she doesn't have full understanding of, she's just a kid, consider it as 'acting out' don't take it personally.
That's great advice
She's 7. She thinks you're trying to steal her daddy away from her. She's hurt, she's scared, and she probably doesn't understand how damaging her actions are.
But she's learning these words from somewhere.
Does your partner speak like that in front of her? Does he insult you or belittle you (such as calling you a deadbeat) when she can hear?
Is her mother in her ear saying this stuff about you?
How long ago did her mother and him end their relationship? Are you the first serious relationship since?
Find the source of the problem and address it. Maybe some therapy would benefit her (and wouldn't hurt you, either).
But I personally think you have bigger things to address. It's normal for a child to act out during big changes in their lives (going from a family of one child to a family of four children would be a drastic change for her - especially if she's overhearing negative comments like this as well).
However, it isn't 'normal' or at all acceptable for your partner to treat you the way he has.
I think you all need to take a step back a reevaluate the relationship. Is all this bull@#$& you're going through worth it?
If not, you know what you need to do.
Good luck x