Hi all, I have a question for you and would appreciate some honest and well thought answers.
For me this should make sense and the answer should be simple but emotions are clouding my judgment.
Here's the story and question:
My family have been asked to join some friends at thier church. We do catch up occasionally outside of church but they have asked that we join them one week. This isn't the issue as we believe in Jesus.
The issue is I have recently found out my former SIL attends this church. She has chosen to remove herself and her children from connection with our family due to her husband having interfered with one of the kids. He is in jail but, because I married his bother I am in contact with his mother, who is in contact with him. (Hoping you're following). She, quite rightly, does not want any information about the children being passed to him for their protection.
Out of respect for her we have declined this far. We do not want to upset the children at all as we are unsure of what she has told them regarding or family and why we can't speak with them anymore (though gifts and money are welcome) and we are not sure how they are after all the trauma. I also do not want to upset mine as they were in counselling for quite a while and I don't want to bring up the hurt at being rejected by tier Aunty and cut off from their cousins.
The other side of this is that we should be able to go wherever we choose. We would like to join our friends for a service.
I think we are doing the right thing by respecting her wishes, however hurtful. But it bugs me as I want te freedom to worship with my friends at their church. They have been to ours quite a few times.
Again, please keep it helpful.
Thanks.
8 Replies
If the world was a perfect place yes you should have the freedom to worship where you want. But the world isn't a perfect place and something absolutely terrible happened to children and the one place you can't go is to that church because the harm that it would cause is immeasurable. I think the cost is too high on this one, the risk is too great. The benefit would be totally rubbed out and destroyed by the damage that would be done.
The children that were abused become the priority over any freedoms of anyone else.
I'm sorry I know that makes life inconvenient, but that's just inconvenient not painful, terrifying or distressing.
I have to avoid a person from my past. We should never be in the same place at the same time ever. The negatives far out weight any positive that could come from it. It's a small price to pay.
No way should you go. She moved to avoid you and protect her kids. I don't care if it's church, coffee, yoga, school, give her some peace and respect and don't follow her there.
Perhaps you should re read. There is no "following".
There has been respectful distance for the sake of all the children involved.
I do apologize I misread that she had left your church and now attends that one.
That corrected, my opinion still stands to not go there. She has disconnected from you for an important reason and you should continue as you are, maintaining the respectful distance they need.
If you have some method of contact (I.e. How you give gifts etc) could you not include a letter that summarises your question here? That you have an invitation that you'd like to accept but that out of respect for her and the whole situation you have been declining so far. Would she be ok with running into each other at church or would that be too much to deal with at the moment? I think if you request it respectfully and make it clear that you aren't trying to pressure her or traumatise her and the kids you at least may be able to have a rational conversation about it.
I don't think you should attend this church at all.
If what your BIL did is public knowledge then explain to your friend why you can't, if it's not then you need to either make an excuse or say there is a personal reason and leave it at that.
From what you have said I don't understand why you are even considering going.
Surely the pain it may cause the kids outweighs your awkwardness with telling friend you can't go??
Also you mentioned your kids have had counseling so wouldn't it be painful to them too?
If your former SIL has set up a new life for her and kids and found a support network or a friendship group with this church then good on her and please don't destroy her safe zone for the sake of feeling awkward saying no to a friend
Can you go on a day the the former SIL isn't there?
It is sad that the children don't have contact with their cousins, as you mentioned it affected them because they lost important people in their life and required councelling. And I think it disgusting the former SIL will accept gifts and money but not allow any contact, that's just milking the cow. It should be all or nothing.
How do you explain to a child that they can no longer see or play with family but to receive gifts is ok? Especially when the SIL won't give updates on the children. She is making the whole family suffer because of the actions of one person.
Yes I agree that the father in jail should have no info passed onto him & be refused visitation, etc.
If she expects you to avoid places/events because she is there then she should should also make consessions thst disrupt her life too.
Your kids did nothing to her or her children and it's awful she is keeping them apart.
Does your husband have contact with his brother too or is it just their mother?
Hi, OP here:
Hubby will not contact his brother. I only do it to help my MIL as she needs assistance to go see him. I drop her off but once a month or two months I will go in. My kids want to see their uncle as they don't understand what happened, though they are angry that he made the kids go away.
We do not tell him about our lives, I keep contact minimal as I am quite angry. He has expectations of "normal" family when he gets out. We have been painfully clear that he will not be allowed around our kids unsupervised and we won't be inviting him to anything that involves other people's kids.
It's been a long hard slog and I understamd why my former SIL cut contact. She can't risk it. But it has caused far more damage than I could cope with.
My emotions on this are causing issues.
Like I said, we are doing right to stay away so far, but the desire to take my friends up and enjoy time with them at their church is real.
Thanks for your input.