Hi I'm not sure what I'm asking really.. I guess I'm just so sick of my mum being the way she is. She was sexually abused for most of her childhood. She has been in and out of hospital for the last decade or so. I'm 23 now. She told us last year about the fact she was abused and that's why she has bipolar and post traumatic stress disorder. The signs have been there for a while and I'd always suspected that's what had happened. My siblings and I were very supportive at the time. We just want her to get better. But now she has been in hospital in the mental health ward for six weeks now. I'm just so sick of it! I just want her to start helping herself! I want to shake her and tell her to woman up and deal with her shit! She does counselling and sees a psychiatrist. She self harms a lot. Last year she had a stash of meds she had been hoarding so she could attempt suicide and I found them. I've been dealing with this stuff like I said for the last decade. I have never had a normal mother. She is so moody and depressing and negative to be around. She cannot take any criticism even if it's constructive. I want to help her get her diet on track because she basically lives on Diet Coke, which is only going to make her condition worse. But she won't. I'm so sick of her! I want a normal mother! And believe me I know how this sounds. I know I sound ungrateful and mean and unsupportive but you try dealing with this shit for years and years! I'm close to cutting her out. I don't want to, I want to yell at her and tell her all the stuff I've just written here, but it would probably push her over the edge. How do you help someone who can't be helped?
7 Replies
As a carer of an adult son, I find it imperative to have my own counselling sessions. It's the only way I can get through it. I need a place that's safe to process my emotions and thoughts and get past my own trauma.
One thing I've learnt the hard way is you've got to pick your battles when trying to get change. So yes diet might help, but in reality until she gets a little more stable she won't be able to tackle her diet yet. It's like way down on the list of things.
For example with my own son I had to let go that he was eating junk food, because I had violence, self harm to focus on first. Now that self harm and violence are sorted for now, we've been able to encourage healthier choices food wise.
Hi lovely I totally get how frustrated you are. Its hard to see someone you love go through something whether it be physical pain or mental pain. And to be able to fully understand what they are going through and feeling helpless, frustrated and angry. But I recently spent time in a mental hospital it seemed to me that that lenght of time is pretty average. Maybe you could speak to her nurses ( each patient is assigned a nurse each shift) or her doctors about your concerns. I was a there volantarily and I had to agree for my family to be able to speak to my nurses and doctors. Im not too sure how it works if she was admitted involuntarily. I would also get yourself some councilling as its just as hard on immediate family as it is on the patient no matter what the situation is. But please I know you are frustrated but she is in the best place for her and if its a good hospital they will not discharge her until they know she will safe. Best of luck hun I hope this helps in some sort of way. You need to take care of you too both physically and mentally. Xx
She's an adult making her own decisions and you can't help her if she won't help herself. The ward is probably the best place for her right now, especially if it means she's seeing a Psych and talking about her experiences. Best you can do is tell her all the time she is loved and valued, that you want her to feel better and to compile a list of places near her that can support her when she comes back out and ensure she is accessing that support. A layman is not equipped to deal with this level of shit.
Many people who live with and care for those with illnesses (including mental illness) find counselling important for their own self-care. I urge you to, if you haven't already, find yourself a counsellor who you can debrief this stuff with.
In the meantime, if you're confident that your mum is being well taken care of and not in need of an advocate, maybe take a step back from being so involved - you sound exahusted. Maybe get some girlfriends together and go away for a weekend or something?
Much love xx
Just walk away if that's how you feel! Sexual abuse is not something you just get over neither is mental illness. I'm bipolar and you can't get over it you have it for life. Educate yourself on your mum's illnesses and maybe that will make you see things a different way. Goodluck
Dealing with someone with mental health issues is so difficult. You simply can't help someone who won't help themselves. It's the old you can lead a horse to water saying. You do need to look after and protect yourself, self preservation. That's really important when coping with a loved one who has these kinds of issues. I would strongly suggest finding some support for yourself. Speakinh from experience, if you don't, you could find yourself drowning.
I hear you sister!! Honestly almost word for word I could have written this only I'm a few years ahead of you being 28. I want to start by saying Sexual abuse is debilitating! It creates chaos! I had to come to terms with the fact that my mother will never change, she has had/still is seeing a phycologist and councilors and has been medicated since I was 10. I feel she is stuck in the past and refuses to come into the here and now. I too am a survivor of sexual abuse. I choose to be present I have choosen to move on but its still ridiculously hard sometimes, flash backs can turn me from a strong survivor to a small helpless child in 30 seconds flat. I still see my mother and support her to an extent. But for my own sanity as an adult I have to choose "me over her". Bit of distance might give you clarity! Good luck ?