My partner grew up in a very bad environment. Both of his parents were alcoholics, and while his mum went through rehab/treatment, his dad refused to, and due to his drinking and drug use is no longer in the picture. His dad was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to my partner and his brothers throughout their childhood, and my partner has a lot of issues because of it, but refuses to seek help with counseling or therapy. One of his main issues is he doesn't know how to handle stressful situations without resorting to anger. He throws tantrums almost like a toddler, with screaming, throwing things, breaking things, etc. After he calms down, he hates what he's done and says he fears he's becoming like his father more everyday.
He has never, ever hurt me or our children, but I feel the stress of being a father is pushing him closer to the edge. He has these high expectations that our three year old should be able to act more mature than a three year old can be. He doesn't seem to understand that a three year old can't comprehend the adult phrasing my partner uses. And he lets verbal things slip that to me seem horrible to say to a child, like saying "you're acting like a f***ing idiot" or "what the f*** is wrong with you?" and I always pull him up about it. I try to make him more mindful about how his father treated him verbally and if he wants that for our children, and that usually helps for a bit. But he slips back and starts doing it again. Or once, he broke a toy in front of our child because they were being super noisy and not listening when he asked them to take it into another room. I told him that day if that ever happened again, we were done. And it hasn't.
I don't know if it's a cultural thing, or because we grew up in very different environments, or his past causing him to resort to the only form of parenting he knew as a child... I don't know. I don't want my children to be talked to like that, I don't want them to be afraid of their dad, and it's caused some massive fights with us. I love my partner, he is at heart a good guy with a horrible background and he's trying so hard to not become a father like he had, I don't want to give up on him, and things only got worse since we have had kids. He limits his drinking after I noticed that was making it worse. He did go once to a therapist when I begged him, but doesn't want to go back because he doesn't see the point. I've tried suggested books and articles on positive parenting, but he refuses to read anything. There have been times I've threatened to take the children away if he can't get a grip on his anger. I don't want him to turn into his dad, and saying that to my partner is the only thing that seems to work for a bit.
What else can I say, do, try? Please.
3 Replies
If he refuses to get professional help, there is absolutely nothing you can do except for protect your children and get him out of the same home. If you think it feels bad to see him call your child a fucking idiot, what do you think it feels like to be called that as a three year old. What is that teaching your child? Pulling him up on it, is too late, damage done to the child. So guess what will happen when your child is an adult, oho look at that, you have a man child with zilch self esteem who thinks verbally abusing people is the way to go in life!!!
When we don't have kids it's ok to stay in relationships with partners who do terrible things. But once kids are involved the kids absolutely have to come FIRST. They are not capable of protecting themselves, so it's your job to protect them.
You say you want to break the cycle but allowing your partner to live with you is guaranteeing that cycle will continue for at least another generation. Because your partner is abusing your family. Those tantrums, verbally abusing his children and throwing things are ALL abuse. You are living in a DV situation, and the best predictor of our kids as adults living in a DV situation is growing up in one.
Yes abusers can be lovely, but guess what they all have in common, they are very apologetic after the fact but WONT get help.
Please, please protect your children
He has to want to help himself and so far his actions are not indicating that he does. Your children are being affected and while it's sad that he endured it through his childhood, its not an acceptable reason or excuse for him doing it to your children. If he isn't interested in getting help then there's nothing you can do. Your children need to be protected and even if he decides tomorrow that he is going to get all the help in the world, he nedds to be removed from the children's environment until he is recovered and fit to be a father!
He has to want to change it. I was a raging lunatic exactly like my father until the day I snapped out of it and saw the fear of me in my sons eyes. I didn't want to be my father and I didn't want my son to be me so I stopped it. It's not something you can change... but if he shows that he doesn't want to change this it is your job as their mum to protect them and if that means telling him to not live there you're going to have to make that call.