Hi sisters
Long time reader, first time poster but I wanted to get some outside opinions on a very touchy subject for me.
My little guy is turning 2 next week and I've just been informed that my mother in law will be missing his birthday as she is going to America to celebrate thanksgiving with my brother in law. Some of you might think I'm overreacting but this is the 3rd year in a row she has done this. So she missed his birth and his first birthday as well.
Last year my husband told her how disappointed he was so shes totally disrespected his feelings by doing it again.
Husband and I ended up having a huge fight over the weekend because I have to except that this will happen every year, as its the only time his brother takes holidays (thanksgiving seems to be the only time Americans take holidays???). To be honest, I don't care how he feels but I need to defend my toddler. I grew up going through exactly the same stuff as him with my Dad's parents. They never attended a birthday, my graduation, my engagement or even my wedding. Always came up with the excuse that they were sick, or it was too far to travel (3-4 hours). But it was OK for them to attend everything of my cousins including travelling here for their graduations because they went to boarding school. I'm nearly 34 and would really like to know why myself, and my younger brother missed out, and I don't want my son to go through the same feelings, because it really is bad for self esteem.
Question is, do you think I should leave it be with my mother in law (she lives in the same town, unfortunately) or should I contact her and express my disappointment on behalf of bub? If its only my husband saying something, she probably doesn't realise it just not him anymore (or is too selfish to even care)...note, mother and father in law are divorced and mother in law remarried, and hasn't spent Xmas with us since she met the new guy.
9 Replies
First make sure you're not projecting your past hurt onto the current situation making it seem bigger than it really is (we don't know, we can only go off what you say). If you're going to say something keep it cool, quick and rational. Organising to celebrate his birthday before or after her trip is better than a "I won't be there for it", hell even a skype call!!! Use "I feel" statements and explain how the same behaviour in your own childhood made you question your worth. Not spending Christmas with her grandson who lives in the same town is a big red flag for me, I personally would tell her that until such a time as she can be bothered being a consistent part of your sons life she can stay out of it completely.
I would not say anything at all. This is your husbands family, so his responsibility to talk to. Personally I think you are over reacting and bringing your issues with your family into this.
She goes overseas once a year. It's a coincidence. You expect her to change a tradition for one birthday?
Just because she has missed three events doesn't mean she is going to miss the child's other events.
Why would she hang around for the birth of a baby? That's between you and your husband. I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to cancel a trip to be there.
I wouldn't say anything! If her going overseas coincides with your sons birthday then you either make his party earlier or you put up with her not being there. Grandmas life doesn't stop just because you had a baby...
I agree
as your BIL is in the sates and it seem all conflicting, is it possible to do something special with her before or after she goes to the states for thanksgiving with her other son and his family.
maybe you could ring her and say hey we understand but would still love to do something special with you maybe we could go out for lunch/dinner
Leave it up to your husband to tell her. Stay out if it.
Put yourself in her shoes... if it was the only time you could see YOUR son, what would you do? If it's the only time she can see her son, I understand why she is going. You have to remember the Americans don't get many holidays - thanksgiving might be all he gets. Why not throw the party earlier next year?
I spent the majority of my birthdays without any family around, except for my parents and siblings. I can't remember being upset as I didn't know anything different but you need to make sure that you aren't projecting your feelings onto your son. His too young to know any different. Don't let him grow up thinking that other people's lives revolve around him. They don't.
Leave it be. Don't say anything, it really isn't your place and frankly, I feel like you'd be saying it because you're upset and not on behalf of your kid.
I never get to see my family as they live in a different state. Your lucky she lives in the same town Let your bil have his once a year visit and make time to celebrate either before or after she gets back.
As an update. This still goes on every year. This year I made sure I organised something for after ahe got back (then being school holidays alot of my sons friends couldn't make it). She turned up for 5 mins then left to go to a "church" thing. Husband was not impressed and said don't even worry about inviting her anymore because she's not interested in spending time with her grandson. This stems from plenty of other knockbacks from her when we invite her to stuff.