A little background first, my daughters were being typical kids, typical sibling squabbles but after a huge family incident 8 months ago things have gotten so much worse. Now my eldest daughter (4) lashes out all the time, hitting myself and my youngest daughter without being provoked.
I have tried, Triple P, 123 magic, time outs, taking toys, ignoring bad behaviour, praising all her good behaviour, and on some occasions a smack on the bum. Nothing is working!!!! and before people start saying they need consistency and routines etc. I have done my best, I gave each technique a few months before I realised it was not working for her.
So far the only thing I have found that works is putting her in one of my button up shirts, with her arms by her side, not in the sleeves, so she can't use her hands. I make her wait 5 minutes, then tell her she has to say 5 nice things to her sister, before I take it off. As I am doing this I keep telling her hands are for hugs and helping, not hurting. After I take the shirt off, she gives her sister big hugs, says sorry then they get along great for a lot longer between incidents.
My issue is that while some of my friends have seen how much positive effect it has had, a couple have said that I am basically putting her in a straight jacket, treating her like a mental patient, and that it is child abuse.
Is what I am doing really wrong?
8 Replies
Look I don't think it's "abuse" as such (and personally I far prefer this method to a smack) I can sort of understand what your friends are saying. That said, it does seem like you've stumbled on an effective way of calming her when she's gotten so worked up that she won't stop (as long as what you are doing with the shirt doesn't stress her out). So I'm wondering if perhaps a) you could modify this action so that you can sit down with her and hold her securely for a few minutes in the same way with her arms pinned until she calms, explaining the same things - hands are not for hitting, I won't let you hit me/your sister; and b) is there a possibility she's on the autism spectrum - many kids who have ASD find weight or pressure helpful to calm themselves.
I had tried holding her arms, but when she is in those "moods" any attempt to touch her freaked her out, to the point she would lash out even more, and her psychologist had said that because of what happened to her in the past that I can't touch her in any way (not even a hug or hand holding) if she says no, and the shirt doesn't stress her out at all, it seems to calm her.
What about switching to a weighted blanket that she can sit under while she's in that heightened state?
And do you know I don't think you're doing a bad thing at all. Clearly because of the trauma she's experienced she's struggling with her emotions and impulses. Why not google some calm down methods like glitter bottles (you can make these yourself) that you might be able to use to help her - if she gets worked up you can try to redirect her to these things.
I personally wouldn't do it, I'm not even sure why it occurred to you to do it. I'm sure it was desperation. Basically you are tying her up
I don't think its abuse hun.
It sounds like there is extenuating circumstances and if this is what helps her and helps her calm down fairly quickly then how is that abuse compared to trying to force her to be held and comforted when even your Drs saying not to do that.
It is definately the less traumatic option and since it's working so well why change it? Your friends may not understand but you are doing what's best for your daughter!
It's definately not child abuse when it's for a few minutes and helps her settle, it's not like your locking her in the basement for hours.
Oh my. Positive effect or not that's not on. Yeah you might get results, but jeez, it's not Ok. Don't restrain your child with home made ideas. There's a reason that's not a technique you'll read about in any parenting strategy but would read about in cases of child abuse. Whats next?
The only thing that I am concerned about is.. eventually this technique wont work... and what are you teaching her? Im not sure I've always been told that if a child is chucking a tantram the worst thing you can do is to retrain them. It makes them more worked up.. of course she will eventually calm down, as they all do. Have you ever heard of a weighted blanket? Maybe you can teach her that when she is feeling frustrated that the weighted blanket will help her calm down. Keep going at that and then you are atleast teaching her to learn to take control of her own emotions. If she doesn't calm down.. then can you send her to her bedroom.. that will then allow her to think about her actions. If she keeps going in her bedroom then you just keep her in there till she stops. The only thing is its hard to give advice when I dont know the full story.
My son is extremely full on and for the last year he is sent to his room to sit on his bed when he plays up.
Also, I'm not judging you. At the end of the day you have found something that works.. although that wont work forever... you cant restrain a 15 year old xxx