I'm a bit apprehensive to post as last time I did I kinda got roasted for nit being supportive enough with with husband and how mental illness is like any other illness among other things (at the time I was ready to walk- feeling like I couldn't live with his depression any longer)
I stayed- and we accidentally got pregnant. I was on the mini pill as I was still breast feeding my two year old and it just didn't work.
The last 3 months we seem to be barely holding on. I'm 1 week over due- and I swear I could walk right out that door. More so than ever before.
4 months ago he had a break down. After 6 months of SO many good things happening to us (being given a LARGE sum of money. My business opening and booming to earn us over 3000 a week while I only work 2/3 hours a day and can for the most part stay home, the new baby- regardless of our relationship is ovcourse something to be excited over, a brand new house with a mortgage that's only $140 a week. Compared to paying 370 for a 1 bedroom unit
While opening my business he wasn't supportive really- until the money came quick - even still he's incapable of showing any pride in what Iv accomplished while others just seem to be so upliftifting and filled with nothing but praise over what Iv acheived
I'm not trying to boast- but explain that it hurts so much when the one person I was working so hard for trough a really physically hard pregnancy- and built this life for him that's so easy- can't show some pride in what Iv done. I'm in tears just writing it. And yet others who's life isn't benefitted by it are just so uplifting- friends have watched my son for free regularly for months. Husband although is a great father the last 3 months he's had to work a lot of hours to finish up so he complains when he has to watch him once a week for 3 hours cos it's the end of his work week and just wants to relax and surf after not being able to the whole week. (I must stress he really is an amazing father - it's just the only time the whole week he can surf in that morning and that's when Iv needed him, I get him being dissapointed cos I know he needs surf for his mental health- any surfers wife will tell you that- but I just needed two months)
I could go on and on- but at the end of the day - I'm just over it- it's Never about anyone but him- even when he plays the martyr and "deals" with it himself- I'm always at the end of his short temper (no it's not a DV relationship just to be clear. He's never hit me- called me names - nothing like that- just yells and loses his temper over little things- something I know is very common in men with depression and anxiety)
Iv stayed through a lot of things including something he did in this pregnancy which had it not been for all the work Iv done would have sunk us. Not to mention it doubled my work load. To make sure we broke even. And he had a complete breakdown. Like suicidal breakdown. I was so angry how it all went down but I put myself aside and just supported him.
On the plus side he's finally after 10 years getting professional help- but the truth is- I'm not sure he's capable of beating it and being different.
Of being who and what I need. I know it sounds selfish. I just don't think I can stay through his depression episodes anymore
But the guilt is heavy as I know it's not something he can help. He has mental illness through his whole family.
And I'd like to think I wouldn't walk away if say he had reoccurring cancer for 10 years.
But how long do you let someone affect your happiness?
The thing that's kept me here all these years is he always tries and is a little better each time a major thing happens (which affects me emotionally and financially)
And ovcourse I love him it even still if I'm honest at the start I was madly in love... And stayed that way for many years. But overtime - thing after thing - it's affecting my love for him in a noticeable way. I just have nothing to give him anymore - but also can't bring myself to leave.
Thing is although Iv not been perfect obviously-I know Iv made mistakes in the past but they were ever things anyone would consider "major" Iv actually given him everything good in his life. And I just - I just want to be appreciated. And I can tell him this 1000 times it won't sink in. The reply is always @i do show you" how? "Ah come on.. Ok fine then if I'm not good enough to you leave" is pretty much how it goes- whenever I tell him why or what's upset me I'm attacking him and he does everything wrong- no matter how much praise I give. Iv tried every way to communicate with him - it's never the right way.
I don't know what I'm after. I certainly don't need to hear from people who have depression that I'm a terrible support again. Iv been harsher with my words in this post to give a lerspective of why I'm drained and still haven't mention even half of what we've gone through.
Is anyone out there who've made it through 20 years of mental health issues? As the spouse not the sufferer? Are we able to hold on through the hard times? And Is it worth it if you do? What if it's just a waste and we are actually the ones making each other miserable and can't see it?
I know the kids growing up in that environment too but honestly as in realising talking to mum now my parents had the same issues growing up and we were none the wiser and I feel like my husband and I are capable of keeping this to us and not having a hostile home just like my parents did for all those years.
I don't know maybe I just needed to vent and keep on trudging till there's either a way out or a totally no trhough road.
Maybe we might make it through. Maybe bubs might object enough life to kickstart us again.
16 Replies
As a sufferer of depression and a carer of someone with mental illness myself. It is totally okay, good, and appropriate to put your self in all this, and put yourself FIRST.
You cannot, I repeat cannot go down with the ship.
Who is your support person, do you have your own counsellor?
Honestly it is ok to say I can't look after him anymore, because it's getting to the point where I'm struggling to look after myself.
It is ok. People who haven't been in the carer roll have no idea how hard it really is. It's exhausting, draining and the relationship is rarely a two way street. It's always about the person with depression and never about what you need.
I get it I really do. Sometimes you have to look after yourself.
And even though depression is an illness, if your husband had cancer and you couldn't care for him anymore you would have access to domicillary care, home care, hospice, stays in hospital, which would give you respite. But because he has mental illness you are somehow expected to suck it up, put up with what can appear to be crappy and selfish behaviour you would never put up with otherwise.
You made me cry. Even if it was just a stranger I can't tell you how good that felt to have someone validate that it's really hard for me too. As I said last time I just got slammed from people who suffer depression saying they hope their partners don't feel the same or that they don't say those things about them.
I'm just exhausted with the negative. With nothing making it ok. With having this wonderful blessed life most would envy- and it's still not enough. I do struggle to understand how he sees life. Because Iv never come close to depression- I'm that annoying person who sees glitter in shit.
But I understand it's not his fault. I try to be patient.
I tried to see a councillor the last few months 3 different ones to find one that "fits" it just wasn't for me- usually a wine and a girlfriend was all I needed. But with so much going on and not being able to have the wine lol - it's been hard to chat to my girlfriends too cos I'm kinda over talking about it. The whole thing has just exhausted me.... Strangely though just writing some of it down to anyone who would read it and not know the whole history was comforting
And I can't thank you enough for your reply- it felt very validating
Anytime, I think for me it's somewhat easier because I care for my son, and so there is no expectation that he looks after me or supports me in anyway. Where as when you are in a relationship you imagine you will be a team where you cheer and support each other, not one of you carrying all the weight.
My psychologist reminds me of this every time I start to struggle -
Put yourself first.
If you aren't well enough to take care of yourself, how can you be expected to take care of others?
You need to make sure you're okay before you can help your partner. Even if that does mean taking a break for a bit.
You are just as important. Don't ever forget that!
Find a psychologist and start working on your mental health, because it sounds to me like you need a little extra support.
And don't listen to those who attacked you on your previous post! Mental health issues are not an excuse to be spiteful.
Good luck, IM. And you should be proud of the effort you've put into your relationship!
Also,
As a sufferer of mental health issues with a husband that has anxiety issues - it is HARD! But so worth it if the love is true x
Thank you- Iv tried a few different ones they just aren't for me.
But after another morning of him just being him - snapping at me over something minor- Iv decided to tell him to leave.
I can't be his punching bag any longer. I want to be treated with respect and dignity. I'm 41 weeks pregnant and hasn't once asked me this whole pregnancy "how do you feel today?" I worked for 4 and a half hours in the sun this morning and I was greeted by him yelling at me over forgetting to add the mortgage money (which actually was a mistake he made in the first place and I said I'd put it in to avoid the fight and adding stress to him because of money, but then forgot... but whatever right)
I don't even beleive he loves me any more. I think he is staying cause he feels obligated and is trying to do the right thing.
I'm just gonna make it easy on everyone and tell him if he comes home to just go.
Mental health issues should never be used as an excuse for hurting someone else!
It might of been what caused the fight, but it doesn't change what was said or done. He should not be treating you like his punching bag. Even with depression, he should at least feel guilty or be able to acknowledge that he's screwed up.
Depression is not an excuse for being an asshole.
I wouldn't say you should give up entirely if there is still love there. I also don't think it's a great idea to make a permanent decision when you're moments away from giving birth as your hormones would be all over the place (but this doesn't make your feelings any less real - it just means you should take some extra time to think things through)
Asking him to stay elsewhere for a few weeks might be all you both need to work on yourselves and get the help you both need.
Keep looking around for the right psychologist - even though it might take a few attempts to find one that you're comfortable with. Continue to encourage him to seek help, too. Even if you decide to end your marriage, he needs to be healthy for the sake of his children.
Also look into marriage counselling. You say he might not love you, but depression can affect the ability to show you care. He might be just shutting you out as another way to punish himself. (Although, he could just be an ass. That's what marriage counselling will help you decide!)
Best of luck, either way.
And congratulations on your baby!
Thanks- the pregnancy and hormones is why Iv put it off for 6 months.
But it's only escalating. I didn't tell him to go today but not only has he seen my crying and said nothing Iv now just shut down . I'm not talking to him. And he's trying to be nice now and just forget the fight but I know he doesn't wanna talk about this morning so in that case I have nothing to say to him. It was always me who would just forget the fights right away but now I just can't let them go so soon like I use to. It's not resolved at all. And he doesn't get it.
I suggested marriage counselling a month ago- it took me ten year and a serious incident four months ago to get him to see one for his depression, so predictably his response was - "I alread have to see a one every week cos I'm f&$;& in the head I'm not seeing a marriage counsellor too- sorry but I'm just not."
Thanks though youreprobablyrifht I won't say anything about asking him to leave- I finish work on Wednesday I'll get this baby out. Get settled and then move on from there
Thankyou
If you feel like you need someone to talk to, just say on here and I'll give you my details so you can private message me
It's a hard time in your life, so I don't mind being a cyber shoulder for you to lean on if you need it x
Thank you so much for your kindness.
We had a bit of a stand off - I sent him a long text explaining how I felt- he sent me a shirt text saying how he felt , and we both had places to be all weekend. I was out all day Sunday with our daughter I can home to a clean house and a rare apology.
Since then he's been well. I finished work today and I think we've both realised Bub will be here in a few days.
It's just been a hard 6 months. He got done for drink driving lost his license for 2 and a half years.
I realise I'm just physically mentally and emotionally exhausted.
My mum arrives tomorrow and will be a breath of fresh air.
I'm in a much better place than the weekend ,
I do hope bubs breathes some life into him.
Thank you
I am aghast at the people saying stick in and help at the detriment of your and your kids health! I grew up with two brothers with severe mental illness and married (now ex) someone not realising they had similar problems as if been around it all my life, unless they want help forget it, it will drain your life away!!!!!!
I just wanted to check in with this IM as I've just seen this question go up on Facebook. I want to send you a hug, and reassure you that it's perfectly reasonable and the right thing to do, to put yourself first. You have babies to look after and who is going to do that if hubby drags you down?
Thank you- he's been good since a big argument- I finished work today and mum comes tomorrow I feel like a weight has come off my shoulders. He apologised for the weekend something that's very rare for him.
I knew I'd get a few people on fb saying the predictable things but there were some lovely comments too.
And on here you guys have me little boosts :)
I know it seemed like I was just blasting him but it's cos I was already going on and on I didn't have time for the irrelevant good points.
But for the record he really is an amazing father. He's a hard worker. He surprises me still. it's comfortable. He gives amazing foot massages. He can be thoughtful. We share the same idea of a good day.
Same passions.
There's a lot I love about him. But the depression steals a lot of that away. And it can be hard to keep focused on them when you go months without seeing the good stuff.
Just getting excited for Bub now. And focused on my impending labour. We are in a much better place than the weekend. I don't know if he is faking his smile till he makes it cos I told
Him how I was feeling or if it's genuine that he's had a shift (in our experience it could easily be either or)
But either way this week I'm grateful cos the weight has been lifted so I can focus on what's needed at the moment.
Thanks for caring about a stranger online
My partner has depression. Imo he is also an alcoholic. He has in the last few months started on anti depressants but I personally feel they are a waste of time because he drinks so much I believe it is counter productive. He is so over the top in so many ways. He seems to think it should be what he says goes. He has anger management issues. He treats my son like shit and then has goes at me cos he feels like I'm always on my sons side and not his. He wants us to bow down to him and then can't handle it when we don't. It is exhausting! The negativity and stress is just bout impossible to deal with. I've previously tried to kick him out and he won't leave. I'm thinking for my own sanity and my kids happiness I need to leave. I've given him pushing 10 yrs and it is getting to the stage with all his issues I can't stand him.
I've been with my husband since we were 16 and we are now both 31 with 3 children. He has suffered on and off with depression this whole time. His first break down happened at 18 just after we'd finished school. He took off for the night even though i was expecting him, not telling anyone where he was and switched his phone off. I called police stations, hospitals and went driving to try and find his car. He turned up at 4am in the morning with 'i just had to think'. It was like i didn't even know this person and he had no concept that what he'd done was wrong and why people were worried. I left him and there was very little support from his family abd because i was no longer there i think it pushed him into getting help and he went on medication. We got back together 6 months later.
Fast forward to us getting jobs, buying a house, getting married etc and he'd always have ups and downs, go on medication for a little while and then decide he was ok again so take himself off it. He tried counseling once but 'it didn't work for him'. I stood by and put up with alot over the years with no help at all from his family. I was often the one he blamed and when he was in an episode he'd be super critical of me. Everything was about him. Depression is a very selfish illness. We both got really good at hiding what was happening and in hindsight i enabled alot of his behavior by what i thought at the time was protecting him by covering what our lives were and how he was.
2 and a half years ago we had our second child and things really went downhill. I was dealing with a two year old and a newborn and while i could see he was struggling i think i thought we'll deal with it later. When child 2 was about 5 months old he did something so stupid if we didn't have the children our marriage would have been over. That and the fact that it was so completely out of character for him. His actions still hurt more than anything that's ever happened to me. I issued him an ultimatum then and there- he needed to work out what was important to him, go to the dr, get on medication, go to counseling and get himself sorted out once and for all.
It was tough. He was suicidal, i was so hurt and angry and lost myself but had to keep it together for my toddler and baby and then still be there to pick my crying husband off the floor every night and talk him down. I think our 2 year old saying to him 'you don't have to be sad anymore daddy' finally broke him.
I went to the gp with him. I went to his psychologist appts and sat outside as support. The tablets kicked in. His psychologist was amazing and gave him so many tools to help him deal with himself and his depression and my husband gradually could see the light at the end of the tunnel. As hard as it was we both knew that he had to fix himself before we could fix us.
I got in contact with carers nsw who offer support for people caring for someone with a mental illness among other things. They organised for me to have 5 or 6 free telephone counseling sessions just for me. I coukd talk about how i was feeling, the lack of family support, got strategies on how to cope with his illness and support him, and most importantly learnt about MY BOUNDARIES and how to implement them. So i knew i didn't always have to be the strong one and just put up with stuff. I could say no and express how i was feeling. We talked alot about the five languages of love and that still helps our relationship to this day.
After we'd both completed our individual counseling sessions, my husbands psychologist asked me to sit in on the last few sessions of his to go over what they'd worked through and going forward. We then did a few relationship counseling sessions with his psychologist as well.
Today my husband is honestly a better man then he has ever been. He is still on medication but i think we both consciously make more of an effort to check in with each other, be honest, and notice signs quicker before he gets too badly down. If he starts to feel like he's slipping then he'll take 5-10 mins time out just to refresh rather than pushing himself to breaking point. The times outs can be annoying because i don't usually get any lol but this it's better then the fear of him being back to where he was.
This is something he is going to have deal deal with for the rest of his life and as the person that loves him this is my life too.
I can honestly say now that he has finally gotten the right help and is on the right path, our life in the last 2 years has been so much better then our life for the 14 years before that.
It's tough to be the spouse and to be their main support. It does effect your mental health and quality of life too. I found the lack of support available for the carers of people suffering mental illness astonishing. I had to do alot of my own research and ringing around before i found carers NSW. I definitely recommend getting in touch with an organisation like that in your state.
I was lucky we got through to the other side and things but we were at the bottom of the bottom before we did and it was only because my husband finally stepped up and took responsibility for his illness, his life and his actions that we did. If he hadn't i know that we still wouldn't be together. This is just our story.
Good luck going forward, at the end of the day you can't be responsible for his happiness only your own. If I've learnt anything it's that while yes you help the people who you love, you need to look after yourself first. Just because they have an illness it doesn't give them an excuse to hurt you xx