Feel as if my husband and I have let our 17yo son down and no idea how to get him back on track. For the past 6yrs my son has been treated on and off for depression related issues including self harm, suicidal thoughts and just general lack of motivation. His schooling has been majorly affected and although he is a bright boy we can no longer even get him to go to school. He now plays online at all hours and the only socialising he does is online. More recently he used our credit cards to pay for online games without our knowledge. Please note that we were advised by his counsellors in front of him that we couldnt remove the internet access as this was his only lifeline and to do so would cause more harm. Needless to say in light of the recent activity we have removed Internet access which has only made his behaviour more sullen and a refusal to interact with us at all. He sees counsellors regularly but they always have conflicting advice. These years should have been some of the best for my son but instead it is a daily war. I am happy that he is not into drugs or alcohol but in all honesty his behaviour and the results don't seem to be much different. How do we help him become a happy young man with respect and social skills. He won't get a job just isn't interested and now without Internet access just sleeps all day. I cry myself to sleep just wishing I could make him realise what he is missing out on and then disgust at myself for how we as parents have failed him. There is a distinct lack of self motivation and he doesn't even try to help himself. He can sit in his room for days without washing without taking out his rubbish and there is very little to no reaction from him even when he sees me upset. Has anyone else been through this and have any new ways we can try to get him to be a happy young man he deserves to be? This is taking the biggest toll on our family. I am now missing lots of work to monitor him and to take him to doctors. Am starting to think I need to leave work for a while and try to be with him constantly but financially I don't think this is an option I really have. Open to any suggestions as have pretty much run out of strength.
How to get son back on track
How to get son back on track
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Parenthood Guilt, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
5 Replies
Its hard.
The treatment isnt working. The severity he should be eligible for disability and you the carers pension or payment. People don't understand the need to monitor, it can turn quickly and them being left alone their condition actually worsens.
You have not failed him. Your son is sick these are ALL symptoms of major depression, and it could be a great deal worse.
Stop trying to make him happy. It isnt about happy or sad. depression is a great deal more complex than simply being sad.
Contact beyond blue they have loads of resources.
Give him responsibilities. Small to start with and actually not related to cleaning up after himself but something which will provide a small amount of structure and routine that has to be done at the same time each day.
Open the windows he needs exposure to sunlight and even if you can get him more exposure to sunlight give him vitamin D supplements.
Write notes or have a job board with a routine write it up with him. Stop the snacking remove all food from his room. Make his meals and have him eat them at appropriate times it will help establish a routine. And without pushing too much you can work on him coming out of his room to join you for those meals.
Start small work on routine the rest follows.
And restore his internet access replace your credit cards and don't let him get hold of them.
The year is a write off........and probably next year too. Focus on recovery he can go back and finish school once upright.
Send him for a shower change his sheets wash his blankets remove the rubbish from his room and vacuum. I know everyone says and you think he needs to do it himself. But sometimes it can jump the needle out of the loop.
It would also be a good idea to move his computer to a shared room in the house.
I dont care if he wants to watch redtube that is what hustler is for.
And truth be told his is so severe anhedonia is a blatant symptom I doubt he could even get an erection atm
I should mention the steps are tiny....but they have a cumulative impact..
For the first few days to a week or so take a nice fresh lunch to him (low carb high protein high omega 3 salad and tuna wraps or rice paper rolls sound good!)
For a week or two after call him to get his breakfast lunch and dinner from the kitchen.....
After that try to stimulate conversation when he collects his lunch and invite him to sit and join you.
Start with lunch....
The reason for this is to begin with breakfast is that painful that it is a war zone don't go there....start with lunch.....dinner is likely about the only meal he is eating then snacking through the night....lets shift this.
Oh what you feed him also matters alot.
He CRAVES carbs sugars fats....
What you give him needs to be everything he doesn't crave. I know it sounds weird but it seems to progressively wake the right taste buds.....
None of this is an instant fix....its a foot in the door.....thats all it is it can get the eyelids blinking and the ears listening......even if they aren't happy about the sun in their face....
I havent slept at night in close to a week. For a little over a week I have noticed my husband (we are actually separated) has shown signs of psychosis.....I have to watch him. He would be in supported accomodation if there was any.
He has bipolar.
Oh along with the vitamin D give him fish oil every day. You may not be dealing with psychosis now but it can reduce the risk of having to deal with it in the future.
You can contact me on Facebook. If you post on the wall of
https://m.facebook.com/BipolarAwareness/
Mention this post. I will message you. I am one of a half dozen page admins.
YES!!! Agree, agree, agree!
He is sick. Very unwell. Just because he is physically able to do things it does not mean he is capable of such self-care at the moment. Nurse him like you would nurse someone who has had surgery or an illness. Do things for him. Help him to self-care, help him to eat well. Walk with him down the street for some fresh air and sunshine.
Get him to Centrelink to get assessed for disability, and you a Carer's Allowance.
Get him ONE effective psych and a good GP. No more different counsellors. If he's on meds get them reassessed.
Help him sort it out. He probably feels like he's drowning on his own.
I gave up work to care for my son two years ago. He was 18! And although he had a previous disability and medical condition I was working full time and he had been doing well. Unfortunately at 18 he developed an incredibly rare (1000 people in the world) sleep disorder that has psychiatric symptoms as part of the condition. So left work.
Consistency of care is the most important thing you can have. One person in charge of psychiatric meds, one person in charge of counselling/CBT etc. The people involved need to communicate. In our case because there was epilepsy etc involved, we don't see one specialist without them writing a letter for the other specialists. So they are in communication and working together. If someone wants to work in isolation they are not on our team.
I learnt to pick my battles. Once he had a few good weeks, then I could start to expect him to do some things like brush his teeth, or brush his hair. Gradually slowly expanding my expectations, like you would with someone who had had major surgery.
2 years on my son is doing better, still has bad days but they don't seem to take over like they used to. He is able to most days do the things you'd expect of him although I'm ready to adjust expectations at any time.
Pack up and go bush. My kids change away from social media and electronics. Leave all electronics at home.
Try going to a farm stay or cattle station and get involved with working on the land. Back to basics.
Animals can help open people up. New experiences can really show kids there is more to life than what's inside a box.
You will have retaliation I won't lie. My 16 yr old didn't speak to me for 4 hrs on a trip where there was no phone service. He sat in the car and tried to be unreasonable but he soon got hot and got into the creek and had a swim with his sister and I and he reverted back to my happy boy and skimmed rocks like he used to and piggy backed his sister. I wasn't leaving until his mood improved. We were able to talk about everything going on in our lives.
Instead of talking about him and honing in on his issues maybe tell him about yours and the reality you are dealing with. Kids think being an adult is awesome but keep it real and remind them that no matter how old you are life has challenges and its up to us to own our life and make the most of it.
Remind him that you love him but you will not tollerate him being lazy. You can tollerate him having a bad day as long as he tells you why. If you know why you can talk to him and help him over come it.
Keep him busy and tell him what he is good at. Find his interests. And do not take no for an answer when it comes to getting a hug at night.
We think that they are too old for hugs but really..no one is too old for hugs and a hug connects you again.
Smile through your anxieties when it comes to him. Don't show him you are dissapointed with him or how you have parented. There is no rule book for loving our kids but this is how I handle mine. You may find a little bit to take from it.
Good luck MUMMY you are doing a great job.