Hi IM's... My 12 yo son is going through puberty, it's started a few days after his 11th birthday. I have had little 'talks' to him & explained everything I can think of that he may need to know but to be perfectly honest I'm shitting myself!!! I have walked in on him twice now where I'm pretty sure he is 'doing the dirty' so to speak & I just don't know what to say! I have 3 kids a 7yo girl 10yo boy & then the 12yo, he's behaviour is absolutely disgusting this lady year he is horrible all the time! I wasn't exp this for another few years yet & it's scari the bejebies outa me! He asked me to wash his back in the shower last week & I couldn't help but have a quick glance & OMG he has a full blown bush, seriously! Now this's the problem last week I was checking his phone & found in his browser history that he has been looking up porn, not just boobies n stuff it is full blown disgusting hard core stuff! I tried to talk to him but he absolutely cracked it & started throwing things, screaming saying he hates me & he wants to go live with nan ? I'm so confused, I've taken his phone off him of course & we will be taking the internet off of it but what do I do now? My husband refuses to talk to him as he said he knows everything he should & what he doesn't know he'll figure it out himself. He says that his mum & dad never have him 'the talk' & he turned out fine, so our son will be fine! Any suggestions? I Just don't know how to do this whole puberty thing with my own child & it's upsetting me. Help...
6 Replies
Ok 12 is right on time! So take a deep breath. Now is the time to start respecting boundaries etc So knocking on doors in the bathroom, toilet and bedroom. Start expecting him to do the same for everyone else. Also start putting touching boundaries in place. If his back needs washing buy him a loofa on a stick. He is going to wank he needs to know he has a safe place to do that without shame.
Yes hormones are raging and he is going to be shitty. Think of it has PMT.
I think you are probably over reacting to how much he needs to know. I would be more concerned about teaching him about respecting peoples privacy, how to respect women (or men) and starting to relax and show him you wont freak out if he asks a question. Make sure he knows that porn is nothing like real sex. Mamamia wrote an excellent piece on this. But just because he is watching porn doesn't mean he is going to have sex.
Make sure your internet has really high safety settings. Internet should only be available in a public room eg lounge room. You should be able to see what they are looking up by looking over there shoulder. So now is the time to reflect on what your other kids have access too. Remember back in the day kids in year 4 (9 year olds) used to think it was funny to look sex terms up in the dictionary, it is the modern day equivalent.
Don't let him go live with Nan he is just embarrassed and emotional.
oh and start prepping MR 10 and the younger kids for there turn, practicing talking about this stuff and starting early (from babies) makes it much easier and less scary and confronting
I have a 6yo boy!!!! Arrhhh i will be here one day...GOODLUCK xx
Thank God I had girls. My mum used to say boys get their period even worse than girls do. They just don't have physical evidence of it. And they took longer in the bathroom than we did!
Knocking, personal space, privacy and ground rules are critical for both boys and girls at that stage. If you check Stephen Biddulph raising boys facebook page apparently it's as good for some really informative articles as the raising girls one is and he gives talks and has some books published which come highly recommended.
I also found Sharon Witt's teen talk series quite good but can't speak from the boys side.
http://www.sharonwitt.com.au
Thank you, I will check those sites out. We've had the whole privacy thing in place for a while now & that's working quite well but there has been a few awkward moments where I've just wondered in to put washing away ect without even thinking ? it's my other kids that get him going! My 10yo just walked in on him in the shower to get his toothbrush & seen everything & decided to pick on him about 'having hairy balls' poor little dude, he's hormones & going crazy & I don't even think he knows what's going on. I've explained everything to him but I can't help but feel like I'm missing something. I suppose it will only get easier lol well I'll convince myself that anyway.
I have 2 15 & a 14 yo boy so I have and am here.
A while back maybe a year or so I went through my phone history and found porn, I knew it wasn't me so after checking with hubby (just incase) I knew then it was our boys. I spoke to them calmly and explained that although porn is a natural curiosity for young men it is not real and they should understand that. I didn't shame them or make them think it's disgusting to look at it, I just made them aware that nothing they see is real. Much like watching a movie where someone is killed, it's fake and they need to know that sex is nothing like that!
I remember my brother being caught with a stash of girly mags and my parents blowing their top at him.
Boundaries are a good place to start, for everyone. My sons shower with the door locked so the 4 yo doesn't walk in. I explained to ALL the kids that everyone is entitled to privacy including them. We all respect each other privacy and that seems to have worked. Admittedly I have never walked in on my boys maturbating and seriously hope I never do lol, so can't say how I would deal with that.
You're far from alone Mumma keep up the good work and your son will get better at the emotional stuff that comes with puberty I promise xx