Hey IM's,
I'm just looking for advice on how I move on from here.
This morning my partner physically abused me several times while our 5 month old daughter was in the room, he even hurt me while I was holding her. Eventually the police came, they were called by my mum. He denied everything, I had marks all over my body to prove it which the police took photos of. I packed bags and left with my daughter while the police were there.
My mum has pushed me to go and talk to the police about charging him for assault, I don't want to do this and we all agreed that a DV order would be enough for now. I was checked over at the local hospital and spoke to a social worker, she is helping me with centrelink and support people to speak to.
My main problem is my partner has still been texting me saying I am to go home because he has gone out to stay at his mothers. He is still trying to control everything. He has done this once and I'm not giving him the chance to do it again. I haven't replied to his messages, so his mother has started messaging me trying to guilt me into coming over saying things like my partners grandad is sick and they have presents for my daughter, it's not the same without us there. It goes on and on. I messaged his mum and said I need time to process what has happened and figure out how I am going to support my daughter. And they are all its a bad day not a bad life.......... Wrong! It's a bad relationship!
I am feeling so vulnerable right now, I don't know what my next move will be. I miss him but I know I can't forget what happened today. Was it too soon to make such a permanent decision? Is there anyway I could stay friends with him for the sake of our daughter? How do I get past this and move on without him?
Thank you for taking the time, any advice would be appreciated xxx
7 Replies
In so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong. You know he's trying to manipulate and control, he's probably wants you home and then his next move will be to get back in the home himself. Stay strong, stay at your mums and turn your phone off.
And block the mum if you can she's playing games too you don't need that. Listen to your mum she's doing right for you and your child.
Make a plan for your future. Will you stay at your mums or move out? Seek counselling and keep moving forward, he will give you everything he has right now to win you back, just remember it's not promises, it's time to prove it, and you for your baby and yourself, need him to prove it while you are separated.
You have done the right thing. You can't be friends just yet, he's still trying to manipulate you. But in time, you may be able to have a functioning relationship, but for now, no. Distance and time and watch his actions from a distance for your own safety.
Sorry I jumped right into encouraging you to move on i didn't really explain, this isn't a snAp, not a bad day, a one off, an accident , a brain snap, an outburst, a lost control, a stress explosion, no it wasn't. If it was you still need to be careful because those bad days are pretty dangerous for you and your baby.
If it's happened once it will happen again, it always does.
After a few days the storm calms and it's easy to see your family and it all feels surreal, almost like you are the one now making it a big deal when everything's so good, you won't really know what happened and you'll be tempted to write it off as a terrible thing that just happened...
But believe me, they're always mortified, and they always do it again. Please seek counselling for yourself at least ao you can understand this before you go back and if you don't to give you strength to move forward.
Block his number and the mother in laws number on your phone for now. You can unblock it later.
You were right to leave and no it is not too soon to make a permanent decision. The trust is gone and you will probably never truly feel safe in his presence again. You also have a responsibility to your daughter to make sure she never ever sees this behaviour again. It changes a child, it becomes there normal and they are more likely to be in an abusive relationship because that is what they know. Leaving now means you can prevent that from happening. You can show her what a strong woman you are and have the chance to show her what healthy relationships look like.
At the moment you have to create some distance and see how he behaves over the breakup. The fact that he is texting to me says he has no idea how serious the situation is and so it will take him a long time to get it. So make sure you go through things in a formal way for now. Separate, follow the DV order to the letter, go to counseling for yourself and then organise mediation to arrange supervised visitation/ supervised exchanges etc.
You don't have to have all the answers now and you will grieve. Take it one day at a time, and stay at your mums house as long as she will have you. It is safer there than your own place and he will be less likely to rock up at your mums as he knows you have support there. Take it one step at a time and you will get there.
Don't worry about being friends yet, that may happen eventually, but it might not, the important thing is to be SAFE.
My message is from a daughter who was shown how to be treated by a man by her mother & has found herself in exactly the same position her mother was in at the same age :(
I swore I would never allow myself to be like mum & yet here I am... Our family upbringing marks deep - teach your daughter the way she should live by setting an example now - it's not ok, there is no excuse... He's crossed the line, it's over... Would that be your advice to your daughter in 20 years?
Sending love & strength your way - trust yourself x
My message is from a daughter who was shown how to be treated by a man by her mother & has found herself in exactly the same position her mother was in at the same age :(
I swore I would never allow myself to be like mum & yet here I am... Our family upbringing marks deep - teach your daughter the way she should live by setting an example now - it's not ok, there is no excuse... He's crossed the line, it's over... Would that be your advice to your daughter in 20 years?
Sending love & strength your way - trust yourself x
Stay strong. What he did was no ok and he wasn't having a bad day. He will most likely do it again and it could be much worse. You need to set a good example for your daughter. Change your number, cut contact and stay away from him. You will get past this. Make sure you have the right support network around you.
Stay strong. I was there. Im out and happier than ever but my bad back from my beatings 5 years ago is hurting today and more than ever i urge you dont go back. The family are all apart of the abuse cycle they probably think "a beating on a bad day" is normal. Its not. Its not live. Change your number if you have to. Part of your order should be that none of them can contact you on his behalf. Go to the police and vreach him. Make him know this is serious. Keep yourself and your girl safe. She is your priority. Your story is very similar to mine. My next step was rest and recover then plan my life just me and my daughter. She is your light at the end of the tunnel :)