Very long and maybe all over the place story but i dont have many people to ask for help or advice from, especially on a touchy subject
When i was somewhere around 4/5/6 my older half brother molested me, I guess at the time i didnt know right from wrong. he was a horrible child and had done a lot of things wrong before and after this with behaviour, stealing, lighting stuff on fire ect. He was sent away to a juvenile detention place. , we moved away from the town not long after. We started in a new town but a few years later my brother wanted to visit and he was allowed to with juvenile supervisors, and then over the years we seen him on and off. i randomly thought of things from when i was smaller time to time and always wondered why they would let him back, did he remember what he had done ect... fast forward and I am in my mid twenties, single mum . my parent have helped me out so much over the years with my son and everything moving ect...and I met a great guy. I got drunk one night and told him what had happened when i was little, he was furious , especially when he found out that they had allowed my brother back, time and time again after what he had done. He knew someone that had also been in a similar situation growing up but much worse and she was traumatized from it. He convinced me to talk to my parents and find out what had been done, so i could put it to rest so to speak. So i did, I approached my mother.. she didnt want to talk about it.. i tried again.. she didnt want to tak about it , it was in the past she said, old memories, So i brought it up again and then found out that my father didnt even know about it, didnt know that my half brother had touched me when i was little. Found out that my brother wasnt even sent away from touching me, she thought he had just done it once ( i remember lots of times , dont remember in full detail or anything i just know it wasnt once) and he was punished for it, he was sent away for everything else (behaviour, stealing ect) and i was never given help (counceling) I asked why my father didnt know.. he was her child, and at the time because my dad was away alot she was like a single parent and it was hard she said, she didnt want us kids taken away from her so she hid it. she thought dad would be furious and take us away from her if he ever found out.
throughout the years every time my brother would be allowed back he stuffed it up, stole money, robbed shops ect the last time he lied he had cancer and she let him back, my dad doesnt like my older brother but let him come back because of mum, because he loves her i guess :/
I told all of this to my partner.. he was disgusted in my mother, how selfish she was that she protected her son over her other kids, especially her daughters safety, pissed off that my dad didnt even know, if he did he would never have allowed him to come back ever again.
My partner refuses to meet my parents , because of how he feels for my mother, because she even now 20 years later refuses to tell my dad because its the past she says. I love my dad so much, hes an amazing guy and my son loves my parents, but i have barely seen them in the last year and a half because of the way my partner feels about my mother. he says if my dad comes alone he would talk to him but would also tell him what my mother refuses to... my mother started shit with my sblings telling them her version of the past and saying my partner was blackmailing me and trying to make me choose between him and her (hes not ).. My dad would love to meet my partner, he always asks why he hasnt and i have to say hes busy becase he refuses to be around my mum unless she tells my dad the truth. Now my parnter is talking about us moving in with him and im just not sure because it means unless i go see my parents my mother would never be welcome ect.. i do love her but its my secret shes hiding and her guilt and i just want it to all come out so I can let go and move on as best i can. I love my partner and i want to get married ect, have my daad walk me down the isle.....But what do i do, how do i make her see what shes doing and that telling is the right thing.. I'd tell my dad but that would cause a massive fight and i dont want that. I just want to be happy
16 Replies
Im sorry you have had to go through with this. Have you ever sought counseling for yourself? It sounds like your mum has some real problems and you are seeking a relationship with a mother who quite frankly shouldn't be in your life! Counseling can help you sort all this out for yourself and what you want. I personally can understand your partners point but also can understand that sometimes we still want our mums in our lives even when they did the very wrong thing to us.
Never had counselling , did think about it. I think I'm ok but I have a good relationship with my partners family who live close and I want the same with my own.? My son loves my parents , they live a few hours from us so we can't just walk around the corner and talk. I didn't want to tell my dad as I don't want them to divorce and hate me and start a fight amongst the kids
That's good you're ok, if at any stage your not please go an see a counsellor they can really help.
My story is unfortunately similar and mum didn't care. I've moved on and put it behind me but I can never tell my husband, he would be the same and never speak to my mum again. My mum won't speak of it unless she's really drunk and apologizing for ignoring the school counsellors advice after I told them. Anyways don't need to go there now but I wanted to say I'm glad you have been able to deal with it, by the sounds of it your partner may be a very moral person which is a good thing and he's hurting for you.
Have you tried sitting him down and explaining the pain it's causing you that he won't meet family and asking if he loves you can he please do this for you?
He doesn't have to become best buddies but just be social as you would with any business acquaintance etc
Your partner needs to suck it up and support you which includes going along with what you want even if it includes seeing your family.
The truth is your brother is likely also a victim which is why he is your half brother.
You really can't ask a parent to choose between their kids your mother did what she could.
Contact a sexual assault center they will help you process it all.
And I'd ditch the boyfriend. he is more work than support. He has alot of learning to do and knows nothing of supporting victims of child sexual assault.
And stop pushing everyone. The only person you control is yourself. If they can't talk about it they cant talk about it. There is likely an entire truckload of stuff your mother doesnt talk about which all happened before you were a twinkle in your father's eye which not knowing the background is why you are so angry with them both. But that is your mother's story to only tell when and if she is good and ready.
You are only pushing them because he is pushing you....he needs to butt out and support not try and drive what isn't his.
Wow. Please kick an IM when she's down.
Your reply is based on assumptions and is hurtful
Not at all. But evidently you dont have a clue.
He was punished for it. Unless her mother was in the room watching him do it, even though she may remember other occasions it does not mean her mother knew of them.
The anger is normal and common but often misplaced.
She needs to see a counsellor. She may think she is ok. But she really isnt which is evident from the anger, blame and the expectation that her brother should have been incarcerated longer without being charged. Which she would have been aware of if he was.
Do you pick and chose between your children? If one of them comes to you and says the other is an arse and they want them gone without actually expressly disclosing ongoing sexual abuse or anything more than what appears like a tiff?
Do you send one of your children into juvenile detention (prison) just because your other child told you too?
Juvenile detention is LITERALLY prison for under 18's. We just don't call it prison.
Most sexual assault services for males are in the prison system.
Because that is where they end up because they act out they externalise it as their natural response. Getting treatment for males outside the prison system is very difficult.
Unfortunately child victims do victimise other children. They dont know what was done to them wasn't appropriate. It is years before they can even come close to processing what happened in such a sense.
Oh and none of this was common knowledge even 15 years ago.
12 - 6 years ago I was dealing with the same shit. ....
1. They dont charge kids.
2. At best parents get a rough instruction on teach and emphasis 'this' which is very vague and doesnt explain how to teach it.
3. You are literally instructed to discipline bad touching between children.
4. Counselling services even 8 years ago were incredibly difficult to access. And they didn't counsel for sibling abuse.
If my child told me an older sibling had touched them there would be a lot of counseling and intervention. Everything in my power would be done for both children, the abused would be supported and given all the help needed.
The abuser would be given help to see what he did is wrong and stop him becoming an adult offender and if that required police intervention then so be it, a juvy record can be exspunzed ( not sure of the spelling ) but if he grows up thinking it's ok and then abused as an adult I could never forgive myself.
But this is beside the point. Her mother has dealt with it this way and she is asking for help going forward. Telling her to ditch the partners who's supported her and excusing her brothers behaviour is ridiculous
Well let's just hope you never get a reality check.
In fact even 6 years ago he wouldn't have gone to juvenile for it.
He would have been offered counselling. She wouldn't have.
Oh and FYI sex crimes can be expunged. BUT even if expunged they stay on the record accessible only by a limited number of departments. And it follows them for the rest of their life no matter what their age. Which is why they don't convict children except in extreme cases.
Even though it is rare for them to offend as adults.
Not trying to start a fight, but the other IM is right. Your response is very harsh for such a delicate subject. Maybe read what you write and re word it gently.
Its an ugly topic people get emotional. I will just stick with the fact thanks.
No one likes the truth least of all on this topic. There is no gentle Way to put it.
The fact is her boyfriend will push her into a full breakdown if she pursues this without counselling.
There is a nice way to word things and a rude way.
Perhaps you need to learn the difference instead of being abrupt, rude and hurtful to the IM
Or perhaps you need to mind your own business and get off other people's backs. You are no peach yourself
I am so so sorry.. same boat here, different circumstances slightly. It was my father, not brother.
I spent years not thinking about it.. focused on my adult life and tried my best to pretend it never happened. It helped, for the most part. He's not in my life, not in my children's life and all I can do is move on and make the best future for my fiance and my children.
I hope you find peace, I hope that you find your way to move on and make the best of what you have now..
My past is similar to yours but it was my step father and my mother ignored it. It happened 31 years ago and I still struggle to be around my mother. My dad still doesn't know and he never will.
I agree with a comment made by someone else. If your partner loves you he needs to support you. If you don't want to tell your father then don't. What is that going to achieve? It hurts another person.
Your mum. He doesn't have to like her.
My current partner doesn't like my mother either. He is, however, polite around her. It's hard for him and it's an extremely unselfish act to do it. Your partner is actually being a little bit selfish. Do you see that? It's causing more stress for you and for what? My partner does it because I've asked him too. I'll deal with my past. It's not his past. Don't interfere!
Good luck with it all.
I'm sorry you've been through this, I think you need counselling to see what you want, you have your mum telling you to leave it in the past, your partner telling you to tell your dad and understandably mad with your mum but it's your decision if you have a relationship with her not his. You have dad oblivious to the situation. You need to figure out what you want and need and then you tell them, it happened to you not them, you should control what comes next. Best of luck xx