Bit of a rant- but also looking for some advice.
I broke up with my abusive ex (emotional/mental/financial) almost 2 years ago. I started a new relationship almost 6 months ago. It has been great (I never knew what I was worth so being treated the way I deserve is new to me) I'm the happiest I have ever been. The only problem I find I have is that I only get to see him 2 nights and 2 days a week. Which is great because we chat every night and text most days. So I treat it like he's in a FiFo position. My ex and I have an arrangement that he has the kids 24 hours a week (I wish it was more, I love them but they are challenging) one week it's Friday and the next week is Saturday. His bosses are not making his roster so this is possible and it means that I have to change my plans quite regularly because of this. Sometimes he doesn't even have them the full 24 hours. It's starting to get to me. I just want his bosses to play the game and help us keep our kids in routine as it also upsets them (our boys are both ASD) but this isn't my only issue. His mother has just recently moved to our home town, no big issue because I'm glad the kids are having access to more of their dad's side of the family, my immediate family already live here. Today she told me she has to remain neutral I was having a moment because again I have to organise a babysitter as his work aren't going by the routine we have set up. She hasn't even put her hand up to be the babysitter but expects my ex to have her youngest son every time he has our kids. I recently told her that it wasn't ok because he son doesn't like to listen and doesn't show respect to his elders like I have taught my children to. I don't like the way she said she had to remain neutral. I was discussing how my ex keeps introducing new women to my children, my new partner has only met up with my kids a few times. I don't want the kids to get attached until we are certain about where we are going. And she asked not that she get put in the middle, I was asking for advice about how to tell HER Oldest child that introducing new women to our children is not appropriate. I have this issue because my ex wouldn't allow me to have my friends in my house if my kids hadn't met them before and was planning on making my life awkward if I did let them in the house, I lost a couple of mates because of this. If I'm not allowed to bring my friends into my kids lives why should he be allowed to bring random women and men into their lives and upset them. What if one of them was a child molester. My middle son is non verbal and cannot communicate if something does happen to him and my daughter is still not talking fluently. What happens if he is that bad a judge that something happens to one of the kids. To top this all off he keeps trying to play mind games with me. Today he accused me of leaving our kids an extra day a week and going to my new partners house. It's actually quite impossible as all of my babysitters work early mornings. And I don't have the time nor energy to be up at 2:30 am to be home in time to take over for when they go to work and when I said that I didn't he said why is he ashamed of you? Doesn't want to introduce you to his mummy. I just want to punch him. How can he presume to know what is going on in my life. Why does he still try to anger me. He was in a relationship for 8 months introduced the kids after 4 and then they didn't work out, I'm taking it slowly and working on my relationship to start with so I know it's going to last and he tries to pull the piss out of me. I know I shouldn't have to explain myself but why do I feel like I need to. Can't shake this feeling and it's made me a grumpy bitch since it happened. I just want to curl up on the couch and be wrapped up in my boyfriends arms. And have all my anger purged away.
10 Replies
Ok you need to stop telling or asking stuff of the mother in law. Your MIL is correct it's not her place to mediate, offer advice, or listen to you talk about her son. You wouldn't like it if your ex discussed things with your parents no matter what you did or didn't do.
If you are having trouble discussing some things about the kids with your ex maybe it's time for mediation?
We've been through mediation, they wouldn't take the case. The mediator didn't feel like they would be comfortable mediating the two of us as my ex gets violent. And he's also very good at twisting the truth. I wasn't just venting to his mum I was in my group of friends (which is a team I am apart of she joined my team not the other way around) I do sometimes ask her for advice, it's not like we hate each other maybe it would be easier for me if we did. I kind of feel if she can vent to me about her abusive ex junkie fiancée then maybe I should be able to vent about my junkie pot head ex the man that she created. Maybe that's her issue she created him and she doesn't like hearing about his flaws. Either way he'd prefer I talk to his mum over my own, as my mum is apparently the talk of the town. My ex abuses my mother in my own house so I don't think he has an issue bagging me out to her anyway. Nor does he have issues bagging me out to my own sisters/bil or my friends circle. I think I'm actually being pretty nice by only asking his mum to listen to me for a few moments even if that means she hears a few home truths about her son. Why shouldn't I expect my MIL to want to look after her grand kids when she has no problem asking me for help? Or when she dumps her son on my ex in the only 24 hour period he has with his kids? he still ignores them just as much as he always has and focuses on his games and his brother instead of his own kids. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to know if everyone's ex's are as useless as mine? Is there anything I can do about his work refusing to work with him on the routine my kids need. If we were in America I'd sue them for causing my me and the kids emotional distress by changing their routines. But AlAs I live in Australia where everyone thinks it's probably my own fault that I had to escape an abusive relationship.
The job issue I think there is absolutely nothing you can do about. He could start looking for a job that had regular hours though.
As a parent of a kid with ASD I know I have to look for jobs that suit my kid, I would never apply for a job that did on call work or shift work because it just couldn't work.
Nobody how good or bad a parent they were or are likes to listen to someone vent about there child, adult or otherwise. She still has a point. If you don't want to do stuff for the MIL don't do it. You all sound way too over involved with each other.
Yep leave MIL put of it. And really all you can do is your best in your home. The kids are at his place a day. Yes it can echo what he does in his home but its one day. Its not worth micromanaging it
Oh you may say he is a violent junkie pot head ex. I'd put money on him being undiagnosed aspergers. The dope likely helps him. He is self medicating
It's quite likely that he is an undiagnosed Aspie, but it still doesn't excuse his behaviour. The self medicating is making him worse not better as the pot makes him extra paranoid. I tried to get him help numerous times over our 8.5 year relationship and he wouldn't have a bar of it.
Oh I understand that. But as with having to find alternative methods to function with your children it may give you tactics and alternative methods to find ways to function dealing with him.
It might not help him function with others. But it very likely helps him sanely live within his own head. Functionality is relative.
Don't vent to the mil, even a few moments. Just because ex bags you out to your mum doesn't make it right. Stop expecting of everybody else, you can't control him or his family or what they do just stop being involved and worry about your own behaviour and you'll become much happier. Yes separate from the mil if that helps. It's nice to be on speaking terms but she's not your friend or support she probably doesn't want to hear it about her son and won't give you helpful supportive advice from the right place.
Your not in a relationdship with him. You cant try and control everything he does with the kids same as he cant control everything you do with the kids. You say you dont introduce kids to new ppl till you know their ok and thats his main rule when you where together, well your not together anymore do what you think is best for your kids. I also wouldnt bad mouth him to the mil at the end of the day 100% sure she will be telling him what you said it will just cause you more trouble. Go live your life out from underneath your ex's shadow.
original poster here.
So I'm loving my life my way , I've actually cut the ex MIL out of my life. Her negativity was draining and I only ever felt the need to vent about the ex after she sat their complaining for hours about her own life. So mischief managed or so I hope. My partner and I are working on our relationship becoming comfortable the way we want to be. He still gets to see my kids occasionally but I'd never leave them with him. I trust him and trust in him to be the best possible influence and there is no way he's using me to get to my kids so he can hurt them. My ex has the kids at my house. So I guess my problem was more that he has people in my house, in my safe zone. I've asked him not to anymore, I've told him if people want to visit the kids then he has to meet them at the park no longer at my house and that includes his mum and younger brother. I pay the rent not him. It's my choice about who enters my property. He can always take them home to his house my house isn't a free for all . I've made it clear that he no longer can control what I do in my time. I'm living my life just as he is.