Sex guilt/shame? **Trigger warning**

Hi IM's,

Sorry for the essay, I'll start from the beginning. I was raised in a Christian family and taught sex was only for married couples. I have memories that won't leave and I've never spoken them out loud before, I guess maybe I just want to put them out there and get rid of some of the shame and guilt I've carried for years, or maybe someone can tell me what's wrong with me? Why I can't get these memories to leave?

My older cousin felt me up, through my pants whilst kissing my neck and face, he only stopped when someone walked in. I was frozen, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't want to cause a scene, so I said nothing. It was confusing more so because it "felt" good but I knew it was wrong (sin).

A family friend's son, did similar to me, again I froze. He asked if I liked it which I replied no and he asked why I felt wet and I said it was from the grass we were sitting on, then he told me he was "going to get me next time" I felt sick, and scared. He never did.

My first kiss with my oldest childhood friend happened so quickly and he asked if I wanted to do it again I said no and quickly took off running home, I felt sick and ashamed.

I used to masturbate often, which felt great, but afterwards I always felt like I'd done something wrong.

As a teenager I decided I didn't want to be Christian and my parents supported my right to make that choice. But even though I felt no longer accountable to God, because I no longer believed in him, I avoided boys. I was a "tomboy" especially through my teenage years, it was protection I see now, what boy would want someone as anything other than a friend who acts like a boy? The thought of a being in a relationship made me uneasy.

When I became an adult I was absolutely naive about men - especially drunk ones. A few horrible drunk experiences of being taken advantage of left my self worth in tatters but it was easier to get drunk and lose my inhibitions and make a fool of myself than deal with feelings. I thought if I had "sex like a man" = no emotional attachment, life would be easy. I couldn't have sex sober, I didn't want it. Casual sex was hollow but I chased the feeling of the passionate kissing beforehand and the cuddles afterwards, sex was just a way to get these things. I slut shamed myself more than anyone else could. What a disgrace.

Fast forward 10 years or so, I'm a (previously single) Mum and I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man and all these memories keep flooding back. I haven't said a word to him about it. Sex with him is like nothing I've felt before, such an awesome connection and I want it all the time, it just feels so good. I haven't let him give me an orgasm, I don't know what makes me so nervous about it, I'm happy to please him sexually but I know it's frustrating him that it's one sided.

Is my past affecting me?! This is the first man I've really loved, I'm worried that if I tell him about my past he will be disgusted and leave, although he's assured me countless times that my past would not affect how he feels about me. He thinks I'm perfect and he's given me so much self confidence but I feel like a sham. This is all over the place but I just need to get it out! Thoughts??