I would like some advice. This is going to be long (sorry). I am happily married to my high school boyfriend and after seven years of trying to have a baby have just given birth (after a fertility specialist helped get things working right) to a healthy baby girl. I am so happy having my little family! But... I need advice on how to deal with family. Both my husband and I both came from relatively good families with their good and bad parts (like most families). There are feuds in both sides of our families and it makes me a bit crazy.
In my family I have issues between my mother, father and my younger sisters. When I found out I was pregnant I was so excited and looked forward to telling my parents (as you do) since this would be my mums first grandchild. When I told my mum she said cool. That was it. She then proceeded to tell me about other people (my Aunty - her sister and my cousin) who were pregnant and she was more excited about their babies. When I told my dad he said "oh. I don't know whether to say congratulations or commiserations". Needless to say I didn't speak to my mum and dad for a few months. I had also told them I didn't want anything on Facebook as there were some people we didn't want to know and she put a few things on Facebook anyway! When I finally spoke to them again (about a month before my baby shower) they were being nicer and I was told my dad meant something different to the literal meaning. My mum acted excited and said she would buy all these things for her first grandchild. She ended up buying nothing for the baby shower and about a month before my daughter was born she bought me three outfits for her (even though I told her I had hundreds of outfits that I had been given in every size from a close friend). After I gave birth she told everyone we know within five minutes basically even though we told her we wanted to tell everyone. Due to a bit of a traumatic birth I didn't want visitors in the first few days. When I got home my mum sent a text in a very rude way saying "Dad would like to know when we can finally meet bub and I would like to know too." I messaged back very politely (given what I wanted to say) that I thought she was acting childish but they could come over when they wanted. She never responded and obviously didn't tell my dad I said they could come over. I contacted my dad a day or two later asking when they would come over? He responded saying they could come over two days later but it would be after 7pm "if that was allowed" (my mum had obviously been saying horrible things about how I didn't want them over etc.) When they came over it was very awkward because they had clearly been bitching about me. They talked about my aunty's baby the whole time, asked for photos of our baby - we said no (my mum would put them on Facebook and show them to everyone even though we don't want photos on Facebook and she knows some dodgy people) and then they left pissed off. I haven't seen them since. They have since been to my Aunty's multiple times to see her baby even though she lives about an hour away. They have visited us less in the 4 years or so we have lived here (5 minutes from my mum and dads house) than in the last few months worth of visits they have made to my Aunty to see her and her baby.
Also my husband wants his dad and his dad's girlfriend to meet our daughter but every time I think about that it makes me quite anxious! His dad and the girlfriend both have done drugs (they are apparently not doing drugs now but I don't believe that). She has had her children taken by children's services. They are not decent people. We have had many feuds in the past because they have always been horrible people to my husband and myself. My husbands dad has had a few seizures in the last year (from drugs) and my husband thinks he does not have that much longer (to live). I have been happy for my husband to go around there and make amends with him because he does not want the guilt of something happening to his dad and things being the way they were. I however have steered clear as I do not want anything to do with their lifestyle.
What do I do? My husband wants his dad and girlfriend to meet our daughter at our house but I don't want them to meet her at all! I said we could probably meet them at McDonalds or something (trying to meet in the middle even though I don't want to see them at all) but my husband wants them to meet her at our house! Also what do I do about my family? I love my family a lot! Family has always been important to me but I have been hurt time and time again by almost all of my family! I don't know what to do?!? I want my family in my life but when they hurt me time and time again and disregard what we say (don't put on Facebook, don't tell people) I get so angry and hurt and it really gets me down. There is obviously a lot of other negative things that both of our parents have done in the past that I can't go into as I could be here forever but going by these details am I being crazy? I feel like the only way I can have my family in my life would be ignoring all the horrible things they do and say and basically apologising for everything (even though I haven't done anything wrong). Both our families are horrible (excluding one sister and brother of mine) so I am glad we have our own family now but I still feel quite sad and depressed that my daughter will not know almost any of either of our families because they are so horrible!
3 Replies
Family hurts each other, everyone hurts each other. That is what happens in all relationships, it's how we work through it that counts. Ive hurt my sisters, without meaning too, they have hurt me, without meaning to, we are all growing together and you don't stop maturing until well into your adult years. As long as there are no deal breakers eg abuse etc it is worth working on. Explain why you don't want the kids on facebook eg pedophiles, even say you know you might sound paranoid but explain why. Some people just haven't thought through the implications. Honestly none of what your family has done sound like big deals to me, annoying yes, but deal breakers no, that is just families. Everyone has there sensitivities and hurts etc. Honestly Im incredibly close to my mum and she would be really hurt if I hadn't let her visit in hospital and my labour was Brutal. Plus people buy the wrong presents all the time, even mothers.
As to your partners family I'd want to know what drugs, how they behave etc before making a decision. Some people who take drugs you would not even know it, others are down right dangerous all of the time. So what drugs, sit down and do a risk assessment with hubby.
I say this with love. You are being over the top. It is your husband's child too. He has been trying for 7 years too. Your child can't catch their addiction and is too young to be influenced. Just don't let them hold him if they're high.
It sounds like your family feel everything they say is taken the wrong way. Bridge the gap.
Fyi... I was like this after my first child in other ways. I had post natal depression. watch yourself and get help if you need. Xx
Sorry babe but your overreacting. With the WHOLE situation. My friend was like you, exact position as you. I read your story twice to make sure I read it right. Just reading your story you don't come across in your story very welcoming. No wonder your parents feel/act weird coming over. They don't want to piss you off or they think it will jeopardise their visit. You have them walking on egg shells. The Aunty is probably encouraging them to come around at every moment not wait 2 days then contact them. The moment my child was born I rang both sides of family to come over. Note this, your daughter will grow up fast, these moments need to be cherished. Let everyone take photos. It's not a big deal. Let it go on Facebook. You not letting your beloved husbands father see his granddaughter or only see her at MacDonalds isn't nice thing to do on your part. You have completely judged him. Seriously?! He isn't going to do drugs in front of her and the fact that he hasn't got long, you should be visiting him a lot with your daughter and husband every week. You need be bonding. Actually drive to your husbands father place and have a coffee with him. Life is so bloody short, tomorrow is not promised. When your daughter grows up not knowing her family, it will be because of you. You need to be that change, a positive change. I hope you look at your own situation and realise how much you have overreacted. Relax your a great mum, your daughter which I'm sure is perfect. Let everyone see her and embrace her innocents. All the best xo