Hey IMs,
How do I cope with being the black sheep of the family?
I always had a great relationship with my family they are the most important thig to me. Everything was fine until I found a great guy who I love, he has had some mental health issues and they were all pushing for me to leave him, I didn't as I thought why throw it away if it can be fixed. We sorted out his issues and now have a beautiful 5 months old baby. Since I got pregnant it was fight after fight with my mother and sisters, things like what the baby's last name would be or them trying to push me towards abortion. I got sick of this and stopped fighting, I still keep in contact when I can, just sending them a random message or the odd phonecall. Why can't they accept that I'm happy? They just brush me off when I try saying things like I'll call you tomorrow which they never do. One of my sisters live out of state and hasn't met my daughter, she has come back home 4 times since she's been born for her friends children's birthday parties and weddings, why aren't I important ? How do I get them to accept that I am a grown woman and if I want to stay with the man I love and raise a family I don't need their permission or opinions? Sorry for the rant, makes me feel better to get it out xx
7 Replies
*hug* love your man hun. Some families can be really nasty about mental illness and I don't think they comprehend just how damaging and unjustified their attitude is.
My eldest was really upset a couple of years back when we returned to our home town to catch up with family. Their father insisted they refer to their aunt as nutty kylie. Which the whole family did.
She complied for the sake of self preservation but the moment she came back to me she insisted on a quiet word and in tears told me how awful they treated aunty kylie and that she didn't want to do it but they weren't given a choice. My kids regularly work on increasing mental health awareness in the community and my eldest has had what she calls her illusions (sleep deprived hallucinations from PTSD) Since she was about 6. She felt like the attack on her aunt by the whole family for having bipolar disorder was an attack on herself because she has a mental illness too.
Love your husband and love your bubs and lead by example if all they do is lash out and hurt keep them at Arms length but find some local support. There are carers and family support groups around.
My partner had 'illusions' and is a FIFO worker 5 weeks straight working overseas, some people turn nasty when they don't understand mental illness. Thank you for you advice really helps me ?
Welcome
I have a different take.
I am very much pro positivity around mental illness and while I believe most people with mental illness do the right thing are great are NOT violent or abusive, I have friends with bipolar etc not a problem and my own son has his own unique brand of issues again not a problem.
What I object to is my sister inviting people with mental illness (or blame mental illness for there asshole ways) into her life who aren't doing the right things and then expecting me to be there at a moments notice to pick up the slack, save her, put her up at a moments notice, listen to her cry and carry on. Now I get that part of that is being a friend but at some point I have to save my own sanity and say enough is enough. So sadly this time round I have distanced myself greatly. I told her I loved her and I hope it works out, BUT she needs to find other people to vent to, to protect her etc. I just can't do it anymore, because after 20 years I'm exhausted. So I avoid her, I rarely have conversations with her. It makes me sad but at the moment it is better than being at the centre of her drama.
I'm sorry you went through that with your sister. Just makes me sad that my baby won't know most of her family because they have a problem with her dad. I guess I just need to keep avoiding their drama
I know where you are coming from. It gets hard at times. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with stepping back.
But there is stepping back and then there is outright pretending they dont exist at all even when things are going well and behaving as if her husband is a leper.
Besides temporary accomodation for two weeks during an interstate move which wasn't related to mental health. Which didn't even last a week because she and her husband were both prone to shouting which triggered my daughter with ptsd so we went elsewhere in a hurry, she hasn't been there for any sort of crisis. Meanwhile I babysat her kids for her fulltime so she could return to work.
I'm actually the one who repeatedly hangs up on my sister for swearing and shouting down the phone. It's not worth the grief.
Ha! I hear ya! My partner and I got together almost 7 years ago, we've had our ups and downs, but we've also got 2 beautiful daughters together and my son from a previous relationship... We split up a while ago, and he left the state... My entire family was so relieved, and I was devastated... After a few months, we talked through everything, and he told me that he felt he belonged back here with me... I told him I never wanted him to leave... So he came home... My sister turned up on the day of my daughter's birthday party, and cried, yelled at me, told me how disappointed she is, how she's lost all respect for me, etc. and when I told her I had to get my girl to her party, she decided that was me walking away... She didn't put in an appearance at the party, and hasn't seen or spoken to the kids since... My parents have realised that shunning me means losing me and their grandchildren, so they've actually wished us luck and want to stay in touch, but they live 14 hours away, my sister lives up the road... So, I said my piece to her, after she'd had an argument on my Facebook wall with my partner and said horrible things to both of us, and told her that when she grows up, she knows where I am... It is a shame, because she was my best friend, but at the end of the day, she's not living in my house and helping raise my kids... My family now is my partner and children, they are most important... It hurts, it sucks, but concentrate on those in your house who love you... Let your family know you're disappointed that they can't be happy for you, and you're open to building a relationship, but you won't chase them... If he's the man for you, they need to deal with it...