I'm spiralling and I need to vent. Hopefully one person, at least, understands.

This is probably more of a rant than anything else... I think... I don't know where to turn.
I spend my days looking after the people around me. Throw myself into projects to keep busy...
I'm so exhausted... I have been sick for what feels like months... I'm just so run down but I can't stop.
I can't stop because then I'll fall apart again...
I can't stop because then I'll know just how fragile the bindings that hold all these pieces together really are.
Oh that spiralling, out of control, in a dark hole can't find the ladder feeling.
And I have no one.
There are people... a lot of them... but they're going through their own stuff. They don't need mine.
I know this because I'm helping them with their stuff.
One thoughtless act from my partner... well, realistically, another thoughtless act from my partner. Nothing so bad as cheating or drug addiction but just sheer selfishness and thoughtlessness.
One after many... the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.
He has no idea of this... of course.
He's going through his own stuff and I'm protecting him... clearly at my own expense.
I know how the conversation would end anyway... with tears and anger and nothing being resolved.
I struggle, more often then not, to keep my pieces together... right now I'm barely holding on with my fingertips.
I know I'm struggling badly because the signs are everywhere.
I have dermatillomania, the scabs and scars are all over my body... the less control I have of my mind the less I have of this condition.
I'm not sleeping.
I want to drink... a lot.
I've lost my drive.
I'm disorganised.
I know this is terribly vague and no doubt, all over the place. I know because I was crying at the start of this and now I'm getting angry.
I want to move to the city, I don't see a future for our two kids (2 & 4.5) in this town. We have to wait years to save the money to be able to afford it, we are single wage - not eligible for government help.
Other half just wants, wants, wants. Wants expensive toys, new this, new that... and now wants to go ANOTHER boys trip to America in a few years... a trip that he's done already and it cost us 10k last time.
He wants to blow all our money on a fucking trip.
For himself.
With his friends.
Again.
Am I the only one who wants what's best for this family?
I'm starting to think I'm the only one who thinks about this family at all.
I'm starting to feel even more alone.
I do everything on my own, I never ask for help from anyone and I never will. From looking after the kids to organising car services and shit... everything.
What's making me really angry is that I feel bad for being with him and having kids with him because if we weren't around, then he could go.
Why the fuck do I feel bad?
Why the fuck do I feel like such the bitch for flat out refusing to entertain the idea?

Better start picking up the pieces, dust them off and start sticking them back together again.
Fuck where do you start?
The job seems enormous.
I will do this over and over again to show my kids that I am strong and they're worth it.
I will not let you win Black Dog, not this time.
Not ever.