Can you ever really go back?
I've been with my partner for 1 year. We moved extremely fast. Bought a house, moved in. I have 1 child he has 3. My daughter is with me 90% of the time, his kids in a shared care arrangement.
I love him, but I'm homesick. I miss my old home, i miss my old life, my old job, my friends, my lifestyle, my neighbors. I miss that our time together was just about us. We saw each other when we didn't have the kids and it was wonderful. We had fun, we went away, we lived!! Then we introduced kids, bought a house and now living not so happily ever after!
Between the 4 kids fighting and taking up so much of my time, my partner and I have lost touch with each other. We are one of "those" couples that barely connect, barely make love, barely talk even...
Since living together, I've had to quit my job because the hours didn't work in with his kids being here for school/daycare drop off and pick ups, my career has been put to a halt, my friends live 3 hours away from me and I feel isolated and bored with my life.
On top of all this and against all odds, I recently discovered I am pregnant. I was diagnosed with a tumor on my uterus which would result in a full hysterectomy I was due to have next month, but I am now pregnant by some strange miracle and am at a cross roads to what to I should do.
On one hand, this is my only opportunity for another child, but on the other hand, I am happy with my daughter being an only child and rewinding back to our old life.
I do love him. Without a doubt. But I also love the idea of having my old life back and rewinding back to enjoying him and my life again. Can you ever go back to that?
I'm not happy about my pregnancy at all. It's put so much pressure on the situation and I know if I go through with this, there is no going back at all when that's all I want to do.
I'm so lost and I'm so torn. I should be happy! I have everything every woman dreams of! We have this beautiful home we bought together, we have each other, he treats me well, cares for me, loves me.. But why am I still unhappy?
It feels like everything is ruined and it feels like a matter of time before I completely shut off. He keeps telling me that he misses the woman I was, where am I? I don't know where I am. I'm lost somewhere between going from one child to 4, possibly 5 and resenting how my life has turned out. I feel empty.
Please be kind in your words, there is a possibility I am suffering from antenatal depression. But these feelings were present before the pregnancy shocked the life out of me.
Please, please, please help me please :'(
6 Replies
I don't have any advice at all, however I just want you to know you're not alone! I am 11 weeks pregnant, found out at 4 weeks and just am not happy about it at all. And to add insult to injury mine and my husbands other child was an extremely difficult baby and has delays, due to hardly coping with him I had decided I didn't want any more children. My husband did and said "the next baby won't be as hard" and all that crap. Yeah well we have just found out yesterday that my son is the way he is due to a genetic condition that I passed to him and that I have a 50% chance of passing on to all my children and the mutation will be more severe every time I pass it on.... so I have a 50% chance that this baby that I didn't want will be more demanding than the first one that I barely coped with! Life sucks, but I won't terminate unless tests show that bubs has the condition and my husband and I are in full agreeance to end the pregnancy as I know it would kill my husband to have someone snatch the chance of a second child away from him without any thought of what he wants. Sorry that wasn't very helpful to you, just a rant. Good luck with whatever you decide.
the greater risk here is what seeing out a pregnancy could do with a tumour attached to your uterus, the hormones could possibly influence growth of the tumour.
conserving your health in order to be a mother to your daughter is not a bad thing. *hug* take some time step back visit friends and family. we cant really wind back the clock though we wish we could but we can change the path we are on.
I don't dream if what you have. I never want to live with someone. I like my life as it is. I live where I live and I love my own space. I don't want anyone to move in. I love having a boyfriend who stays a night or two and goes home. I love kids, but I don't want to be a step mum. I love having fun with my boyfriends kids when I do see them but I'm really happy to leave the parenting of his kids to him. He is also happy to leave my kid to me (although he clearly likes my child). Our relationship is about us. It's about having fun, and having company. It's not about checking the relationship 'to do list'. It works for me and us. Will it work forever, I don't know? But for now it's great.
I was alone with my son for 15 years before I met my partner. We had a child together and my step son is with us every other weekend. Blended families are HARD. I think we grieve for our old life and it's normal to do so for a while. I missed my independence. I missed having my space. I missed work! And it was hard going from one child to 3 so I can imagine your workload is even greater than mine. I'd be concerned about your health for now and put yourself FIRST. Your partner needs to support you and whatever you do ALWAYS put your relationship ahead of the kids. You need to tackle life as a couple - be on the same page when it comes to kids, discipline, keeping the household functioning. Everything else will fall into place and as the kids get older they'll sort themselves out. Give them age-appropriate chores, insist on keeping a calm home - you are going to need a supportive environment no matter what happens with this pregnancy. A tumor on your uterus and upcoming hysterectomy is not something to take lightly. You are allowed to feel shocked by the pregnancy and are allowed to freak out. Ask your GP/gyno for all the medical pros and cons of the pregnancy and how the tumor will affect the baby's development and vice versa. Then make a decision as a couple. You will find yourself again - after school drop offs take the time to revisit and spark your old passions and interests. Seek out social spots that nurture those things that make you feel alive. Let yourself grieve for your old life but don't live in your memories. Most importantly - take care of yourself.
I totally understand what you are saying about the moving fast stuff.... I have been with my partner for almost two years. I moved interstate to be with him, he had kids, I had none. We moved in together after less than 6 months. Everything prior to that and for a bit after, was an absolute dream come true.
But reality hits. It always does eventually and I think that its an even tougher pill to swallow when it involves step parenting, leaving behind family and friends, change in work circumstances- completely new life. Really similar things happened to me too. I know that I got lost for a while (and really low) before I started to come out the other side. It is such a huge change to make and I think you haven't yet had time to settle into it all. I often reassure myself that it's all still teething problems and at the end of each day I am still happy to be sleeping next to my dream partner each night.
Try and connect with how you felt about your partner in the beginning and all of the reasons why you took such a big gamble and moved in together etc... Ask yourself if you still feel that way? What can you do to be happier? What are the ways in which you can have some of the things that you had in your old life? Is it going to stay with your family/ friends once a month, is it getting your career back? Only you can know what might help. I got a new job, tried a new perspective of looking at a few things (about the step parenting), made plans to see my family more often, took a bit more time for me and started to develop some of my own interests, including starting a new business which was a long time dream come true- it all helped me to come out the other side a bit.
I think you need to answer those questions for yourself before you can answer the one about your pregnancy.
I wish you luck x
Make time for the both of you, make it how it was when it was just you and him, even if it's just for a night ... Your friends only live a 3 hour drive away visit them or organise them to visit you. All relationships need work it's not all sunshine and lollipops.... I don't think you can go back to how things were, change is hard but you can't appreciate the future if your always thinking of the past... As for the pregnancy no one but you and your partner should make that decision... good luck I hope u find peace xo