I don't know if this is a question so much as its me needing to vent. I don't know what to do. I've fucked my life up and having some bad thoughts as a result. I just feel as though I'm not a good person, I'm too selfish and end up hurting the people I love. To the point where I wonder if they are better off without me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal and I wouldn't abandon my husband and son but lately I wonder, "what good am I doing in their lives? What do I do other than hurt them? I'm not good enough for them and they deserve better." I work really long hours and I never have enough time for my family, especially my son. I get too short with them and I can get really selfish and too tied up in my own stuff, selfishly forgetting those around me. I majorly effed up earlier in the week and did something my husband explicitly asked me not to do, and then lied about it. I wasn't unfaithful in any sense but I selfishly did something for myself that I shouldn't have, behind his back. I've been beating myself up for it ever since, my husband and I have had multiple talks about it and he says that he forgives me but that he needs to learn who I am again because I don't seem to be the same person, and that I really betrayed him and I understand that. I know I've hurt him and I've been trying to atone for it, to put everyone before myself, to be extra thoughtful and open and show him that I'm making a big effort and that I'm still that woman he fell in love with. I know it will take time, that I can't expect things to go back to normal straight away. But I just feel like I keep taking one step forward, 3 steps back. I tried to do something personal for him for Father's Day and I completely missed the mark. I thought I had gotten it so right but he got really upset because he put so much effort into Mother's Day this year and he said what little I did shows that I either don't know him or I just don't care enough about him. I feel like I can't do anything right. That all I do is hurt people. I've been starting to have bad thoughts like that I need to punish myself for being such a rotten person. I don't know that I actually want to hurt myself but I've been having thoughts like I should start skipping meals to punish myself (because it's something little that I can control). I know this is dangerous because I'm already only a size 8-10 but the thoughts are there and they are tempting. I just feel like I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve to be happy because I'm so selfish and just make those around me miserable. It's my birthday in a week and I don't even want anything said about it, I don't deserve anything special. What do I do? I don't want to feel this way and I can't talk to my husband about it because as far as he would see I should feel ashamed and I should feel crap because I did hurt him.
2 Replies
You absolutely tell your GP! Off to the doctors this week for a mental health care plan and a referral to a psychologist. A psychologist can also help you find the middle ground and help you work on the relationship with your husband.
Psych is a good stop.....
I genuinely didn't like how my relationships and friendships were in my teen years....and I developed a little thing I did each day.....it took a few minutes and that was all it was a few minutes it wasnt for dwelling or worrying....
I would simply stand in front of the mirror and review my day each day for just a few minutes....I considered what I could have done differently that would have made I closer to the nice person I wanted to be.....or to have not been walked over by those who take advantage....
A quick review once a day how could I have done it differently.....and then apply that day what I learned from yesterday....
And it worked. I am happy with the person I am today.....I did it for me.....because I wanted to be happy with the person who I am......stuff what anyone else thinks I like myself.....
Oh and it isnt about appearance.....its about who you are.
I still do it too