Last night, my son wanted ice cream before shower my husband said no. So My son came back upstairs crying He went to his room. I told my son come for tub. He finally got out kicked the door and my husband grabbed his arm when he was walking past. Asked him why he kicked door. My son told him he was hurting his arm my husband wouldn't let go. My son told him a few more times. Then finally let go. I didn't intervene. After my sons shower I told him he wasn't getting ice cream and to go to bed. I Said quietly to my hatbandthat he had hurt his arm and he should say sorry. He said no. After trying to talk to husband he picked up tv remote and threw it at wall. Smashed the crap out of it. Got in my car took off off crazy. Come back later burnt all the ice cream broken one of my sons nerf guns. He came back upstairs went to use the remote. I told him that he smashed it. He then threw it up against the wall put a hole in the wall. He made a cup of tea I tried to talk to him he then smashed that one the ground. He said I will wanna watch myself as he might start punching people. He then asked me why I wasn't sleeping in same bed. I told him that I am now afraid and his action are not acceptable. He stated that I drove him to doing that I told him that I am not responsible for his actions. He gets up his son for kicking a door. Yet he has done all that other stuff. Our son is 8. I guess I am seeking advice and that it's not me and it's not right. Thanks
13 Replies
No it's not right. I've been through roughly the same thing with my ex husband. Our sons learnt to express themselves the same way. I found that once my ex started counselling he realised all of this, he doesn't even raise his voice very often to the kids anymore. However he choose to go to counselling himself because I left him over a thousand other issues as well. He needs to recognise his problem by himself and take steps himself to fix it. If you need to, stay with family for the weekend with your son, give yourselves time to cool off, maybe write a letter to explain where you're coming from because men don't often take things in during the heat of an argument. Best of luck to you mumma, I hope you're okay xxx
No it's not right. I've been through roughly the same thing with my ex husband. Our sons learnt to express themselves the same way. I found that once my ex started counselling he realised all of this, he doesn't even raise his voice very often to the kids anymore. However he choose to go to counselling himself because I left him over a thousand other issues as well. He needs to recognise his problem by himself and take steps himself to fix it. If you need to, stay with family for the weekend with your son, give yourselves time to cool off, maybe write a letter to explain where you're coming from because men don't often take things in during the heat of an argument. Best of luck to you mumma, I hope you're okay xxx
It's not right it's time to take the kids and go.
This was so so similar to the first incident. Then he came back, ok firstly told me I drove him to it, wanted me to accept my share in it, eventually acted shattered and I was really torn what to do. Even my own family said, oh he's so sorry, he's crushed, hes under pressure, etc etc eventually after a few days I took him back.
Surely enough this became a cycle, and it got worse, I got more torn down, tires, confused, hurt, manipulated, trying to get him help each time and ride it out, until I opened my eyes and realised I was so lost in an abusive relationship. I was miserable and broken. Oh yeah and he had cheated too, that's part of the course. Of course it is, someone who can do those things to you with absolute hate, doesnt love you the way you deserve and will destroy you. If I could change the story at any point, I Should have sent him packing the very first 'incident'. Zero incidents, that's what you deserve. He's given himself permission to do that to you, so he will do it again. If he tells you otherwise, let him prove it from a safe distance until youre sure you can trust him.
Ita hard because at the same time as you're all confused about what just happened and.what you should do, do you really have to end.everything? Well they're also really sorry, crying, lost, begging, promising, also going to work on it. That's the cycle.
People don't do this just.once. They either do.it, or they don't do it. That's what I wish someone has said to me.
There is no work. No trying. Nothing you can say or he can say to undo what he's done. I know that left me.feeling awful and hard that he can't do anything, he would if he.could, do.anything to.undo it.
That's not the point. You need someone who can not do it in the first place. Not someone who does it, no.matter how bad he.seems to regret it after - that's just a cycle.
It's hard but for.yourself and your.son, put him.out and watch him from afar. Actions, not words.
Burning the ice cream ect. Is a bit overboard but as for grabbing his sons arm its called disapline and it sounded like your son really needed it! Hes obviously not afraid of his dad or he wouldnt have the guts to do kick the door.
No. When its done in a rough manner its not an okay form of discipline. I know because my ex used to do it as well. There are so many better ways to discipline a child rather then grabbing them like that. My children used to kick doors and walls out of frustration too, they were still terrified of their father but needed to vent their anger and it was the only way they knew how.
My husband started out throwing remotes and other objects at walls and progressed to physically assaulting me when having his outbursts. It happened so gradually it was hard to recognise, as unbelievable as that sounds. I thought he had anger management issues, but after years of outbursts at home, while behaving normaly in public, I could see he managed his anger quite well and was just using it kind of like a threat hanging over my head at home to keep me in line. I wish I had insisted he seek help or left him altogether after the first incident, but my lack of action made it looks like I was ok with it, so his behaviour continued to get worse. Stand up for yourself now, before it's too late, and insist on him seeing a professional or leave him. Obviously if this really was a one off outburst that was completely out of character and he's normally a caring, loving husband and father with loads of patience then there must been something that has happened that has triggered his unusual reaction, in which case talking to a professional will help regardless.
This is the start of the abuse cycle. I was in a similar situation then one morning my 3 year old was just being a 3 year old and my " partner " threatened him. I put my kids in the car & left, went to family. Got as much as I could while he was working & left everything else. It will only get worse until someone ends up hurt or worse. You husbands has shown violence, hurt your son tried to blame you to avoid responsibility & threatened you. The more abuse you " accept " the worse the behavior will be over time.
It sounds to me like your husband may be on drugs and that was a result of not being able to get any. I know from personal experience of how my husband used to act when he couldn't get his hands on any. Good luck.
It sounds to me like your husband may be on drugs and that was a result of not being able to get any. I know from personal experience of how my husband used to act when he couldn't get his hands on any. Good luck.
Do a google search and make sure you husband doesn't have loads of traits of NPD or sociopathic Narcissistic behaviour first and foremost. It sounds a lot like Narcissistic Rage what you described. Narcissists act like spoilt little 3 year olds that have terrible temper tantrums if they don't have power and control over situation. If he does fit the description of a Narc / Sociopath, RUN, there's NOTHING you can do and they CANNOT change. The other red flag I think it could possibly be this as the underlining issue is because he blamed you. Blame shifting and taking NO responsibility for their actions is big with individuals with NPD. No one should be grabbing a child like that, breaking things, threatening that people could get punched. Your experiencing DV and if you don't get some really strong boundaries in place, it will get worse for you and your son. It's ALWAYS escalates and it's a cycle. Google: cycle of abuse and see if it fits as to what is happening in your relationship.
This sort of violence is not acceptable, and he is showing his son how to act. Get out now unless you want your son to keep copying his father's behaviour!