I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years, we have 3 children together he has been there for me through the hardest times in my life and I will always be there for him so please don't suggest I leave him, I would rather try to help him and support him & try to fix this situation before ever turning my back on him.
I have never used any kind of drugs so I am somewhat naive to it all. I suspect my partner is using ice. Daily he finds excuses to lock himself in the garage for long periods of time, he has increased energy, and a very high sex drive, hardly sleeps, and keeps trying to make excuses not to go to work (which I have managed to still convince him to go so far). He is also having massive mood swings (not violent).
I have confronted him about it & he denies using it.
I am at a loss as to what to do from here. My heart is breaking because I just want my happy fun loving soul mate back. Who I must add is a great father, always loving, nurturing & supportive to our kids and still has been through this.
Any IM's out there have any advice to help my family through this?
11 Replies
Go search the garage while he is at work. Most likely you will find a pipe, it will look like a pen with a lightbulb on it (if that makes sense). That way you will know for sure.
You will have to confront him on it too, be prepared for lying, anger, tears, or any combination. You can't help him unless he wants help. It is hard, it sucks and you will have to support him. NA, rehab, or other services are available to help him and narc anon for you.
Ice has a high relapse rate, I should warn you too, it isn't pretty when they relapse. There is only a certain amount of things you can do, he has to do the brunt of it and you must decide where is the line on when you will leave if you have to. Ice is horrible and it will take you down with him if you don't have that line, it is not something that is easy for him to quit and it is not a good sight to see someone you love go through. I tried to help my ex with his addiction but he didnt help himself, it was hard but I made the decision to save my kids over him.
I looked everywhere in the garage for a pipe and I could not find one so I went to the chemist and bought a drug testing kit and I'm going to ask him to take it. My children always come first, depending on the results of the test I will give him an ultimatum to clean his act up or lose us completely. Reading these replies to my post made me realise just how naive I really am to it all. I will not stick around for a downward spiral if he chooses the latter. I can't thank you ladies enough for your advice x
Hi, wife of a recovering ice addict here. My story is very similar to yours- I've never used drugs in my life, my husband was also there for me through thick and thin for 11 years before he turned to ice. And once I found out what was happening to him (I was unaware for months, I just knew something was wrong but he would tell me everything's fine. He'd go out for days at a time and I hadn't a clue where he was. And when he came home he'd tell me he was drinking at a mate's and didn't want to drive. Stupid me believed it every time. Even though I lost my shit at him, I still forgave him and moved on. I didn't even think of ice because I didn't even know about this evil drug. He actually confessed to me. I was pregnant with our 5th child at the time), I tried my best to help him, but I had no idea how bad addiction is.
The lying, manipulation, stealing, mood swings, etc.
We were in major debt. He stopped paying the mortgage, the car payments, the credit cards. He earns over $2000 a week from his job and was left with nothing within a matter of days of being paid. I could barely afford to buy food and petrol with my fortnightly family payment, but luckily I had a part time cash paying job to get me and the kids by.
This went on for 2 years.
I left him 3 times, and stayed with my mother with all 5 of my kids for several weeks at a time. He'd stop using, give me all the promises in the world to make me go back. He'd be good for a while, then start using again. I was lucky he was never physically violent, but he did get verbally abusive and said some really horrible things to me while coming down.
I could go on and on, but I'd be here for hours, so I'll get to my final strategy which seems to be working. And he agreed to this, as he admitted he needs help.
I keep his keycard. He does not get any money ever. He is not allowed to go anywhere on his own except to work.
It's hard, I hate it. I hate not being able to trust my own husband, but it's working. He doesn't ask for money or his card, and I think he's happy to see his bank account going up each week instead of down. We are going well. I just hope it lasts ?
Oh, and just to let you know, they don't need a pipe to smoke it. My husband would use foil or broken glass to heat it up, and an empty pen shell or some type of plastic tubing to smoke it through.
Maybe look out for some burnt glass or foil. Check the recycle bin for broken bottles. Have you noticed your foil rapidly reducing, or any light bulbs going missing...?
Good luck, I hope you've caught this early and he can get himself the help he needs.
I actually really hope you're wrong and he's not on ice at all! ?
I was very naive when it came to ice to, until I watched my ex go through it. It was just not something that was nice to see. He had always had issues with anger, paranoia and control but when he started using I could tell because those heightened. I gave him many chances to come back from it and he would but would relapse. After I decided to cut him out until he was clean again, I found out that he had been in many situations where he had guns pointed at him, been in places where the another person was going to steal drugs and money. I was so glad because it was only a matter of time before they knocked on my door asking for him and putting myself and my children in danger because he didnt pay his tick.
There is so much of the world of drugs I never wanted to learn about first hand. Depending on your partners addiction and what he choses to do you will know what to do. I hope it all goes well for you xx
I think it's easy to think that those of us that left addicts and users somehow didn't work on it hard enough, didn't love our partners enough, weren't supportive enough etc etc. The hard truth is sometimes you have to choose between our safety, our kids safety, the possibility we could loose out kids either from child protective services or something our addict partner did.
Things sound fairly 'under control' now. But if he isn't interested in getting help or changing the situation you can't make him. And things will probably get scarier than you could possibly imagine.
So although you don't want to leave, and I'm not telling you you should yet, you need to be prepared to leave in case. You need to understand that love and working at it, isn't all it takes especially if the addict isn't interested.
Definitely contact narc anon like the previous poster said and if he wants help his GP will be able to find local detox, rehab services in your area. Detoxing from any drug on your own can be extremely dangerous so it's important to have medical supervision.
Oh absolutely. Why women think ' I love him so I won't leave him' it's the worst thinking. Leaving is the hardest but strong decision, especially when you love somebody, but you can not save someone and you can not stay and let someone destroy you. If he wont change for you then at least you don't sink with the ship. If you're staying regardless then yes, choose your line of what it will take for you and get ready to hold on for the ride.
I totally agree with you both. My children always come first, as much as I want to help him I have realised he has to want to do it himself. I am not prepared to stick around if he chooses not to. Thank you both for your advice x
I totally agree with you both. My children always come first, as much as I want to help him I have realised he has to want to do it himself. I am not prepared to stick around if he chooses not to. Thank you both for your advice x
If this continues it will get unsafe for you and your children... Unfortunately they tend to hide that world from you so things can happen and without warning. Make the right decision for you and your babies. Just a few more things I found "odd" is cotton tips/ear cleaners - They are used (I believe) to clean the pipe. Tooth picks (have a feeling it may unblock the pipe). Hollowed out plastic pens. And lastly any melted light bulbs - may be a failed attempt at constructing a pipe - so check in bins for these as they may appear after each use or at least every other use. If you find anything like this it may have black "soot type" smudge on them. If he is hiding it well could you possible make a few impromptu visits to catch him? Or arrange a camera? I know it's sneaky but honestly you won't get the truth from him if this is what you think it is. Even if you have proof and call him out he will promise to get clean. BEWARE though, they usually just find new excuses and different ways of hiding it. I wish you the best. Take it from someone who quite literally lost herself in an all to real struggle to save my husband. Keep at the forefront of everything that you CAN'T do this for him babe. I totally get the need to help them at whatever cost but just don't let yourself be the expense. Please take care.
Lightbulbs, yes and pens. Also buy only frosted lightbulb a from now on, you can't smoke ice from them.
Hi IM ADMIN, Original poster here, Since posting on this site I have received some very good advice. Is it possible for you not to share it to Facebook? I have all the answers I need for now. Thank you everyone x