I IM's I need some direction in what I should do. So to give you some background information, I met my SO when we were 21. He was a massive marijuana smoker, as in, he was literally stoned all day. This was whilst we were both in university. I also used to smoke at the time but knew I would give up once uni days were over and I started my career. My SO however has never given up completely. He holds down a well paying job and his career is going really well. We seem to have been in the same cycle for the last 10 years. It goes something like this, I tell him that I feel that it is time that he stops smoking pot (he has been doing it since he was 16), he promises he will quit, then I catch him smoking it, he breaks down promises he'll quit and so it goes on. He gets very sneaky with smoking it. It does change his personality whilst he is smoking, because he is hiding something from me he shows no affection at all. Many times I have outed him for smoking because I smell it on him or taste it when I kiss him. He is also very irritable whilst on it and we argue about little insignificant things in life, like I didn't put a plate in the dishwasher. He does not feel it changes his personality at all.
We are now married and we have a child together (7 months). Now more than ever do I want him to stop for good. I don't want to raise a child in the household of a pot smoker. I grew up in a family that didn't do drugs and so did he. He says that he does it because he loves feeling high, he feels that he needs something to do when he gets home from work. He constantly says he has no friends, which isn't true. He is a good Dad but he is really selfish and still choses to run his own agenda instead of spending time with his child. He does martial arts and was training 3 nights a week and on Saturday morning and was chosing to go fishing for hours when ever he got the chance. This didn't change after our child was born and it took me to break down and beg him to spend more time at home and so he cut out one of the week night training sessions, but that was it. I feel that he is living his own life without regard to our little family and what is best for us as a whole.
Do I stay with him or do I leave? He doesn't want to change and I can't make him. I do love him a lot. I tell him that I will leave him each time I catch him out, but I have never stuck to my word as I don't know how to leave, especially now we have a child together. I don't have any family close by and we are paying a mortgage off together and I don't know how I'd afford rent if I left him and how long it would take to sort out the divorce. He refuses to move out or leave. I have tried to get him to go to counselling but he doesn't want to go because he feels its a waste of time and money.
3 Replies
Why would he change? He knows you've never followed through. You married him as a pot smoker and you had a baby with him as a pot smoker, so basically by your actions you have said 'forget what I say, I don't really care that you are a pot smoker'.
If you really don't like it, leave. He has had plenty of time to change, he doesn't stop because he is either an addict, or just doesn't want to stop, and doesn't believe you.
Yes, he'll keep doing it, you can either stay with a pot smoker or if you don't want to then you should leave. He may straighten up and eventually get his in your clean home. But take time and don't expect it. He hasn't quit for you or your child yet. If you still want to give him a chance hold your standards higher from the start next time, as above said, actions speak.louder than warnings, he's happy to keep living on warnings, you need to put words into actions and create what you want .
I could have written this myself. Going into our relationship I was fine with him being a chronic weed smoker, i was naive and didnt expect it to effect him lile it did. I didnt realise until we lived together, i then couldnt stand it. The change in character, a zombie of himself. I began wanting change. Promise after promise, relapse after relapse, fight after fight. I like you would constantly threaten to leave, hoping it would finally give him a wake up call. I loved him too much and couldnt give up. We unexpectedly fell pregnant. Like you i thought yep this will change him. Throughout the pregnancy it was more brolen promises. Bub came, atill smoking weed. It was the only thing we would fight about. It wasnt until a few weeks ago that my partner 'tried' breaking up with me. I was the one who got the wake up call. I didnt want life without him. We sat down and had an extremely long chat, he completly broke down, no matter howich he tried he couldnt quit. He wanted to do it for me, but inside he didnt want to. For now Ive given up on nagging him about it, he knows he needs to slow down, put in more effort for family time and us. Im here to support him, we all need to compromise from time to time, and right now its my turn to do this for him. Without my nagging and constant fighting about it we are happier. I still hate it, and some nights are very hard. But we will get there.
I dont really have advice for you, just know your not alone. Its hard and lonely. Very confusing when you love them but dont feel you should be with them.
I wish you all the best and send uou hugs ❤️