Ladies and Gents I need some advice to try and help a very close friend of mine as I am at a loss of what to do...
Bit of back story, she has had a troubled childhood, has been sexually abused (by family members), has had trouble holding down a relationship, now married, wants children but has had u miscarriages, hides her pain of her past from husband and is now so low that I dont know how to bring her back. She refuses to get help, wont see a dr or talk to anyone about her past but expresses daily (sometimes hourly) on facebook how troubled she is and is seeing suicide as a strong possibilty... all her fb posts are hidden from her husband so he has no idea of how she stays awake most nights crying questioning her past etc.
Now I have suggested a few things for her to try and she refuses to do any of it... i am out of ideas and am struggling to maintain the friendship as I have my own children and my own problems to deal with.. Does that make me a bad friend that I cant provide the 24/7 friendship she needs right now and how else can I help her? Because right now (without coming across nasty) i feel as though she does all this for attention :( I have so many questions for her but dont know if Ishould even be bringing them up, like:
-Why wouldnt she tell her husband?
-Why wont she get help?
-Why wont she seek medical advice as to why she is miscarriaging?
Sorry for the long post, im not sure I know what kind of response I am after because I want to help her but at the same time I need to focus on my own family :(
5 Replies
What ever happens this is not your fault. It took me a long time to understand and really accept it myself. You can't force her to get help and sadly as harsh as it sounds you have to distance yourself. It's all so deeply complex and although you want to fight for your friend you can't go under yourself, you have your own life and responsibilities and until she is ready to come out to her husband and medical professionals she is unlikely to move forward. With deep regret I had to walk away from a similar relationship 7 years ago. It was so scary but I was in danger of going under myself so I just had to do it. Once I got a healthy distance it was much easier. Personally I'd screen shot the Facebook pages and show the husband. As one last shot at getting her help.
I feel for you in this situation. You do have to look after yourself, first and foremost, and your own family. People like your friend can be incredibly toxic and start affecting you too (it's not her fault, she's had a very hard time of it but it is EXHAUSTING!). Speaking as someone who suffers recurring depressive episodes, people who experience depression are actually very self-centred in their down times. I know I was and I had MANY friends distance themselves from me because I was hard work! Her Facebook posts are a cry for help but only to the people she trusts. If you find it is bringing you down then it's okay to distance yourself. You're no good to your family if you're also a blubbering mess.
It's important to remember that victims of abuse and assault are often made to feel like they are terrible people, and they deserve what they get. She's told you what's happened, and she's now clinging to you because you know. She's likely ashamed of herself and feels like she deserves to miscarry and have further heartbreak.
I don't know how I would approach this but I think I'd start by talking to her husband (if you know him well). Don't tell him exactly what's happened but that she's extremely depressed and that you're very worried but unsure how to help her since she won't help herself. If necessary he can take her to a doctor or hospital and try to get her some help. It's important that you impress upon him that she is talking suicide.
It's a difficult situation and I would not for one second blame you.for walking away. Protect yourself first xxx
You need to walk away! I've been where you are and I made the heart breaking decision to walk away :( 20 years it went on and it's always the same old stuff and they NEVER get help for it! By the time I walked away I was exhausted mentally and physically from trying to help! I put my friends issues over my own and my family for years.! 4 years out from the friendship I am in a much better place mentally and I'm more focused on me and my family! I've realised what a toxic suitation it was! I'm much more happier and She's still doing the same thing, just with a new friend instead of me.!
I miss my friend terribly! We did have wonderful times but my own health become more important.!
Good luck xx I wish you all the strength you need to walk away
It sounds like attention seeking, i would tell the husband so he can suport her and take a step back
If she was genuinely contemplating commiting suicide would she really be posting it to facebook? I see this as a plead for help