Re: custody arrangements.
To all you Mums saying that Dad deserved less rights and time with the kids, I would like to ask you a question.
My two Toddlers 1.5 and 2.5 have two homes one with me(Mum) and one with Dad, they spend 2 nights with me and 2 nights with there Dad...
I'm just curious as to if this makes me a bad Mum? Am I in the wrong for allowing the person that my children share 50% of there DNA with so much access because it seems that this is what a lot of you are implying..
My children love there Dad and they shouldn't have to suffer because I didn't want to stay in an unhappy relationship.
I hold a lot of resentment towards my ex as a partner, however this shouldn't affect the amount of time he spends with his kids!
Vent over.
13 Replies
I think we need more selfless mums like you! If this arrangement works for you then go for it. There will always be someone to judge you!
I think you're both doing a great job!! I'm very fortunate to have a great partner that's an amazing dad to our boys, but we went through a really rough patch a while ago & I seriously thought we wouldn't make it through, and I was thinking "what would my boys do without that full contact with their dad"
Well done to you both for being mature enough to put kids 1st
You are rocking the mum thing! Well done you, you've clearly made a decision based on what's good for your kids that's not based on some ridiculously outdated gender role from the 1950s. Men are perfectly capable of bringing up children as women. Two there are some crap dad's, there are also some crap mums. There are dad's who only deserve supervised contact with there kids, but there are also mums that only deserve supervised contact.
I have a number of make friends who are awesome stay at home dad's. My uncle was a stay at home dad 25 years ago.
It's time for men and women to get over the idea that only mums can do the child rearing. Mostly my friends already think this way, so I'm constantly surprised when I come across people who think mums should have majority of care just because they have female body parts!
I totally agree with you. I think unless the dad is unstable, abusive, violent etc there is NO reason not to do 50% each. My husband is a fantastic dad who loves his kids. If we were to ever to separate it would be 50% for us. I don't understand how anyone could think that dad's that are great and care should get any less rights than the mums
I think what you need to realise is the "hands on dad" is a relatively new common place.
And I think you've misread people se implication
I'm 29. My dad never once touched a dirty nappy. And I know many a man his age who's never touched one.
My dad was an amazing provider , amazing dad.
But it was only one generation back where common place was the man worked and the women stayed home
It's only more recently that it's becoming near impossible to live on one wage. And so that's the way it's always been.
Until about 40 year old dads and below.
Finally it's becoming accepted that parenting is a 50/50 gig because women are now not just home makers- they often share half financial responsibility for the house.
With the change over being so recent I course your going to still be dealing with older lines of thinking.
Men wernt home to take care of the kids in the event if a split.
And even now you would be lying if you said you knew the same amount of sahd as you did sahm.
Care taking is still predominantly the women's role.
I'm not saying it's right or wrong I'm just saying it's a fact.
So to be put into a position to relinquish that care is hard for some people. And then you add peoples pure want to spend all the spare time they have with their kids
And yes yes in an ideal world peoples emotions wouldn't play a role like that
But in an ideal world a village would still be on hand to help even if they did spilt and in an ideal world lots of things would happen
Instead of meeting it with hostility all we can continue to do is when something happens in front of us and we are in a position to give advice we gently remind the hurting party (because let's not forget it's hurt people who hurt people) and remind them to think what's best for the kids.
Everyone gives advice with their own history drenched in their words.
And perhaps some of these women are coming from a place where 50/50 wasn't best and so rightly or wrongly their advice refects that
Congrats on putting your kids needs ahead of your own. But try to remember not everyone is in such an emotionally mature and stable place and not everyone has your story.
Well said! My ex and I are on great terms and the initial disappointment and resentment eventually died away. We didn't involve the kids but he never wanted more than every second weekend and he only takes them for 2 of the 4 weeks each year even though he's entitled to more. It works for all of us. Each to their own. I don't judge either way, but at the same time my current husband had his daughter taken from him and raised to believe he was the antichrist. He's a great dad and him, his family and his daughter massively missed out. It's not a parents place to teach their child to hate, especially their own parent. That I do have judgement on.
Well said! My ex and I are on great terms and the initial disappointment and resentment eventually died away. We didn't involve the kids but he never wanted more than every second weekend and he only takes them for 2 of the 4 weeks each year even though he's entitled to more. It works for all of us. Each to their own. I don't judge either way, but at the same time my current husband had his daughter taken from him and raised to believe he was the antichrist. He's a great dad and him, his family and his daughter massively missed out. It's not a parents place to teach their child to hate, especially their own parent. That I do have judgement on.
This gets my goat too!! When my.partner and I were separated (we are happily back together now) we had a great arrangement which everyone frowned upon. Out of a month my partner would have his daughters for 3 weekends and 1 night during those weeks I would had the. the last weekend and the rest of the days he didn't have them. My family would ALWAYS say he's getting to much... Hold on!! The issues layed with us as a couple, he is an exceptional father always has been and will always love and cherish his children forever. Why did they think he deserved them less??? I went off my tree more than once before they got it. Stereo typical people anger me greatly. If the children aren't in danger in anyway then why the hell not can't a father have equal rights. It didn't take JUST the mother to make those tiny people. Thanks for the great vent. We need more of this!!
It's all about what's best for your kids , and clearly that is what you are doing! In some cases 50/50 works, in some it doesn't. Yes all parents have rights to a meaningful relationship with their kids. But not family is the same. Good on you for doing what is best for YOUR kids!
No way are you a bad mother!! I do the same for my daughter as well, she spends 8 nights at my house then shes off to her fathers and spends 6 nights there... children deserve to be with each parent for as long as they need to! Just because im her mother doesn't give me any special rights over her.. your doing an amazing job well done :D
I wouldnt want to be changing where i live every 2 days. Maybe not so great for the kids stability as they get older
If you think your a bad mum i must be horrible as my boys live with their dad. I have them every 2nd weekend and we split school holidays up also take turns at Christmas time. I pay child support. I'd love to have my boys full-time but their dad has family around and a stable house whereas i live with my husband and his parents and my family are in Victoria. Makes me think i should have my boys more often....
So because I don't do 50/50, does that make me a bad mum? My daughter's father lives an hour away and doesn't drive, equal time is completely impractical. Even if it weren't, I don't think equal time would work in our case as he as we have very different ideas on how to raise our kid. I do believe equal time can work but it is not for everyone. If there is a lot of conflict, if the parenting styles are radically different then that can create instability for the children. Parents really need to be communicative and on the same page. Not to mention, young children are bonded to their primary carer and any change i this should be handled delicately. This means that any increase in time should be built up. Some kids manage but some struggle. My Miss 10 still struggles with more than 5 nights away from me sometimes and she has been going on overnights with her dad when she was 1. I get a bit sick of all these keyboard warriors who are so concerned with what's right for the adults, they don't consider if it is right for the child. To answer your question, no, you aren't a bad mum. But neither is absolutely everybody who does things differently.