reply from IM how do I love them again

I just want to say thank you to you all for the uplifting comments to my post and especially the no judgement. It must have been hard not to judge me after all what mother can't love her kids but you all supported me with ideas. I wrote that after another day of fights, screaming, violence and was really down. I guess I should have said how extremely hard it is here. No one believed me and I was finally vindicated at such a high cost. Abuse to my kids. To answer a few questions yes I am in therapy. Have been for years after so much abuse I survived. Yes complex Ptsd also diagnosed not just in the children but me as well and I try so hard to overcome the triggers that happen especially when son beats his 5 year old sister while calling her a b or c word. I guess what I'm struggling with is they don't match my memory of them. The years of abuse by their father has changed them so much. I really didn't know my son but my sweet daughter is lost in there just as I know my son is also lost inside. I just have to keep trying to bring them back to life. To the im who got a comment from another im who screen shot it as it was beautiful you also reached me. I also screen shot and I read your comment on bad days. I took all comments in and from the bottom of my heart I say thank you sisterhood. I hug them, I tell them I love them and I have even watched them sleep. I will fake it til I make it. I was once told by Facs super mum is actually human when I told them I lost it with kids behaviour. We will get there I'm sure I just have to believe I can do this. Hubby and I are all they have and Mum has to do what even foster carers couldn't cope with but the difference with me is I'm mum and I will keep reminding myself of who I am and who they really are under the trauma. My pidgin pair I have always wanted. Hubby is super step dad and I am so grateful for him. To take on and love kids not your own is hard. When those kids treat you, the house and your own child like crap to love them is harder but he hangs in there. To my friends who saw the post and knew which mum was struggling big hugs. Thanks JB for suggesting rad. It's the most likely of what's going on and I will def follow up on that x