I'm having trouble loving my kids. Ok let me clarify this. I had been a non custodian mother for 3 and a half years with no contact for most of that time. I have actually posted the circumstances to what happened with my own dv story to this site. Ok 7 months into being sole custodian and I am still having trouble connecting to the children. They have ptsd, behaviour issues, violence towards each other and their 5 year old sister. I guess I'm venting and don't really have a question. I know this will take time to find the connection I once had with my daughter and it will take time to bond with my son ( we never bonded as we were never given the chance ). It feels like my kids were taken and someone else's children were given to me instead of mine. I struggle each day to even hug these kids how do I find the mother I was meant to be, the mother that was stolen from me and them by a system that failed us in the most horrific way.
7 Replies
I can't even imagine. All I can say is I hope you have some professional help to guide and support you through this. Hang in there x
Getting support sent to us from cps but still on waiting lists. I am in therapy for me but the wait for them is pretty shocking even with child protection pushing it through for them.
Just want to give you a massive cyber hug.
Thanks I so need a hug right now x
I guess I'm struggling the most with a part of me is rejecting them which I don't understand. All these years I have wanted them home and I don't understand why it's so hard to love them. The change in them is huge which explains some of it I guess, they don't match my memory of them. My daughter was always such a sweet girl but now screams down the house when she doesn't get her own way. That got that bad one day neighbours called police thinking we were hurting her. My son has the same attitude as his sperm donor can't say father as no father would hurt them so much. His attitude is hitting girls makes him feel good, punching his 5 year old sister makes him feel good as she is weaker than him. His own admission there. Just really don't know how to let them into my heart.
Big hugs, I have worked in child protection previously and it's always tough when kids are returned to their parents. It's a massive adjustment and completely normal for you to remember your children at the age they were when they were in your care. I would encourage you to have one on one time with each of them. Taking them out for a milkshake, going to park, anything they may be interested in. This will help build your connection back with them. Also look into counselling for your children as a priority. It's not easy but be kind to yourself and realise it will take time and won't happen overnight that you will feel close to them xx
Massive hug, what a terrible situation and so cruel after what u have all already been through. Can I suggest you put them in a martial arts class to get their aggression out and channelled into a positive area, and do a kids meditation exercise with them every night (there are free ones on the net). You are all going to find it hard to trust after what u have been through. Teach them to find the good things that happen in the day and just keep telling them you love them and will always be here for them. If u give them love, consistency & boundaries they will get better over time and you will all learn to trust and love again. Kids are hard and we all struggle with their behaviour so your not alone. Counselling will help a lot too. They are expressing their feelings the only way they know how. Acknowledge how they feel so they know they are heard 'I know u are feeling angry right now' and later when u have a quiet moment talk about what happened in the day and how they felt about it. Explain that it is perfectly ok to have those feelings but that there may be better ways to deal with them. Create a 'quiet space' for each kid where they can go when they are feeling overwhelmed or angry and so u can all have some time to calm down and deal with a situation later. Don't tell them they are naughty but that their behaviour or choice in that situation was not the right one. They need to reprogram how they feel about the world world and believe in security and love again. This will take time but one day when u least expect it u will see a light go on and u will all be on the road upwards. Love and luck x