How do I deal with my step kids mum talking smack about me to the kids? Its become very apparent today that she is speaking badly about me to the kids after my step daughter (6) came out of no where completely uncalled for an attacked me saying I'm not her family. I moved in with their dad 3 months ago and we have the kids every weekend. I've not had an issue with them at all in the past. All of a sudden SD has just blurted out that I'm not her family and when I responded with "Family is someone who loves you and will always do anything to help you. I love you guys and your dad and I'd do anything to make you all happy so I am your family now too." She said in a very snide tone "Well you aren't my mum so there." I was so taken aback by her sudden attitude towards me that I said nothing. Later on she said "Mummy always tells me don't ever call anyone but her mummy." I said of course not she's your mummy you can call me something else. She said OK and we made up a silly name to call me instead. She was OK with that but its incredibly clear that their mum is talking shit about me to them and I have no idea what to do. I'm saddened that its become like this because before I moved in she was very friendly towards me now it's like I'm a threat to her and I don't want that relationship with her. I want to be able to have a functioning friendship with her at least just for the sake of the kids. Help, what do I do?! I've spoken to my partner about it and he agrees she's been talking about me negatively to the kids but doesn't know what to do either. The last woman he was serious was very mouthy and deliberately wound the ex up and started fights constantly and they had a physical fight in front of the kids. I don't believe this is healthy and want to be amicable for the kids sake. How do I get her to see that I'm not like his ex and I have the children's best interest at heart?
6 Replies
I'm a bio mum. I bitch to my family and friends about my ex plus his partner. I would do this well away from my child but they pick up things.
These are little people who have emotions and get upset, angry and have minds of their own. My child didn't see dad from 2-5. When he did eventually see him, he met his dad's partner the minute the court said day unsupervised visits. He had only seen his dad 6x3 hours and then met the partner.
As a bio mum I was furious. My baby only barely knows his dad and now has met step mum. He would kick, scream, hit, cry hysterically and say some pretty hurtful things that I never thought possible. I guarantee you that they thought I did the whole parental alienation crap but no.
What I am trying to say is 3 months of cohabitation with a young child who isn't there frequently can impact them and their behavior. Just support her and try not to think that the mother is coaching her baby to be nasty.
If she saw what happened to her mummy with your partners ex and she's asking her mum about your role, then I think being a bio mum I would be honest and say that you only have one mum but I expect you to mind your manners at your father's and xxx home.
I feel for you but she's little. X
Just to add... Little People love their families and want to please. Two houses and two sets of rules. It's a huge adjustment and routine is so important.
They do get emotional and they do want their mummies and their daddies. The issue is that they don't know what to make of you. Their friends have mummies and daddies together with brothers and sisters. Little People are affected from all angles. If she saw the fisty cuffs between another step parent then she's also traumatized.
I would reassure, kill with kindness and set limits/challenges. You will find a happy little person soon.
I would do absolutely nothing! Just handle the fires as they come up. Your step kids sound smart enough to work it out. Don't try and have a conversation with her because all it will do is rile her up. You get her to see you are different by ignoring it, getting on with it, rising above it.
I agree, from what you have said, it doesn't necessarily indicate that mum has been speaking badly about you. At 6, kids are old enough to have opinions hand I feel that the transition to you moving in has perhaps made her feel threatened that you're trying to replace her mum?
Perhaps try talking to her mum, mention what she has said and that you're baffled as to where it's come from. Please do not accuse mum of talking about you as I think what the little one has said is a pretty normal reaction from a child adjusting to a new blended family.
I actually think most of this is just step child jealousy, the little girl might be worried about not having daddy to herself anymore and having to share him with someone else that isn't mum. It is a huge adjustment to deal with share houses & it sounds like typical child stuff to say. Give it time :) Her mum might just mean that she would never be comfortable with the child calling someone else mum & I get it. I never dreamed of allowing my child to call anyone else mum, until I became a step mum myself & saw how close you can all become & that nobody is replacing anybody. Just gives the kiddies more people to love & a larger support network. Also my step son 5, who I know loves me has started treating me like crap lately, seems really angry at me every time we see him & rarely wants to stay with us (3 yrs down the track) we'd never had any problems before this so I'm putting it down to him becoming more aware of the situation & possibly blaming me for taking daddy away. So it really can spring up at anytime but I'm sure it will get better. If things continue or it becomes nasty, try see if your partner will have a friendly chat to his Ex about watching what is said & keeping things positive for the kids.
I actually think most of this is just step child jealousy, the little girl might be worried about not having daddy to herself anymore and having to share him with someone else that isn't mum. It is a huge adjustment to deal with share houses & it sounds like typical child stuff to say. Give it time :) Her mum might just mean that she would never be comfortable with the child calling someone else mum & I get it. I never dreamed of allowing my child to call anyone else mum, until I became a step mum myself & saw how close you can all become & that nobody is replacing anybody. Just gives the kiddies more people to love & a larger support network. Also my step son 5, who I know loves me has started treating me like crap lately, seems really angry at me every time we see him & rarely wants to stay with us (3 yrs down the track) we'd never had any problems before this so I'm putting it down to him becoming more aware of the situation & possibly blaming me for taking daddy away. So it really can spring up at anytime but I'm sure it will get better. If things continue or it becomes nasty, try see if your partner will have a friendly chat to his Ex about watching what is said & keeping things positive for the kids.