Hey ladies I don't know if this is a question or rather some reassurance that I'm not alone
I've been with my partner for over 5 years and we have 2 girls together and in the last six months we've had my partners daughter from a previous relationship come into our lives (she's 6) and I have absolutely no bond or connection with her I feel as though I've tried everything to make this little girl feel welcomed into our home and she just gives me nothing she's an only child while at home with her mum and has been bought up very differently to our girls.. I feel as though I'm starting to resent her because she can act quite bratty and she's sometimes nasty to my younger one she has even lied that my girls are mean to her (they're 2 and 3!!) and a couple of other things along the way and I'm not sure how to look past all of this an keep trying to firm a bond when I feel nothing for her
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5 Replies
Hang in there, 6 months is a very short period of time. She is probably a confused little girl who doesn't really understand what is happening around her 'family' yet. If you are struggling she is probably struggling x 10 times more. She is also 6, and that is very different to 2 and 3. 6 year olds are difficult and do push boundaries in a very different to 2/3 year olds. And yeah kids lie sometimes, thats what they do, no matter how good a parent you are or how many siblings, they have. So yeah its an adjustment for you, so try and keep in mind of your adjusting then she must be adjusting too, plus she is a kid and just doing what they do at that age.
Always remember she didn't get a choice to have you in her life, she didn't get a choice in anything her mum and dad did! You have made the choice to be with a man that has a child from a previous relationship. Be paitent with her and the bond will form if she feels the love from you.
6 months is a very short time. Remember she is used to having a parent all to herself and she sees you and your daughters as taking that time from her other parent. Be a little naughty one weekend and let her stay up a little late, sit on the lounge watch a movie and paint your nails together, use it as a time to chat and see what's up. In time she will hopefully come to love you, but it's probably so new and fresh still she just needs reassurance that you care and her dad cares. Make sure her dad does stuff just with her to.
Hi, I am in a similiar situation where my stepson lives with just his mother and is an only child. I have been around for 3 years and am the only partner his dad has had since the marriage breakdown. His mother has never re-partnered so her life and priority is only the son. I find him to be bratty, insolent and quite mean hearted towards my son, who is genuinely the most caring little soul. I have been with my partner (stepsons dad) since my son was 13 months old, so my son doesn't really know his biological father and considers my partner to be his dad and my stepson to be his brother. I find it so very hard to form a bond with my stepson especially seeing him being mean to my son. Even my partner can't stand his son's behaviour at times!! I just can't find it in myself to want my stepson around when he is just so terrible to myself and my son and is only every truly happen with he has his father's 100% attention. As soon as he has to share that with myself or my son his behaviour is atrocious!!
Hi there IM,
Just wanted to say...I hear you. I have 2 step sons & it is hard!!!
While I agree that, yes your step daughter is 6 & needs a world of love, support, compassion, empathy & understanding; & yes, you as the adult need to be the one to make the effort, to keep going forward & try not to look back with resentment...but knowing that intellectually does not negate your instinctual feelings. Own them, embrace them and deal with them away from your step daughter, but they will need to be addressed.
Well done IM for all your efforts, keep going, your doing a beautiful job. Some years down the track with my step sons and it is still a work in progress but we are getting there. Onwards and upwards, your family will come together with many bumps along the way, but it will happen.
Keep in mind nobody is perfect, neither yourself or your step daughter or your own children for that matter :)
Keep making the effort, as hard as it can be; as they say in Frozen 'Let it go' - try to let go of any resentment, don't let it build and sour and progress you may make.
I have had many massive ups & downs, many many tears with my steps sons...but dont you also have the same with your own children? Recognising that you said you dont have a bond with your step daughter as you naturally do with your own children, I know its damn hard to look past misbehaviour, but take a moment, collect yourself and try not to respond with your initial burst of anger or resentment. That's not to suggest at all that misbehaviour shouldn't be addressed, but don't respond with aggressive anger and push your step daughter away. Try respond reasonably, maybe open a conversation (if appropriate). As I was told once - connection before correction. The correction will come, but don't push away any connection you may have. Nurture and treasure that connection...BUT, I hear you, oh boy do I hear you, its hard and don't make it harder by knocking yourself about.