Hi mums,
At a cross roads on what I should do, I have been with my husband since I was 19yo I am now 27yo. When I met my husband he was divorced with a 7yo daughter which he had every second weekend as court ordered.
Taking on a 7yo step daughter at 19yo had its ups and downs as I was very young selfish and immature so to speak (most 19yo with no children are) but I gladly accepted my role and responsibilities and ensured my step daughter had her own bedroom toys clothes ect ect..
Eventually my step daughters mother was asking me to take time off work to have her daughter during school holidays ect ect which I was happy to do, I struggled from time to time as my step daughter had no respect for me at all, was constantly being sneaky and causing trouble between myself my husband, his ex and her new partner.
I always felt like my husband supported my ex wife in ensuring there daughter treated her new partner with respect but i was always forgotten about! It was ok for her to treat me like crap speak to me like crap embarress me not be greatful .. I grin an beared it for 4 years and when I fell pregnant I started getting anxious about my child growing up seeing me being treated horribly and I finally took a stand, I needed support from my husband and his ex but as per usual they didn't!
2 months after I gave birth my hubby's ex said she was moving interstate, I was relieved and also heart broken for my husband as the bond him and his daughter had was very very close!
It's now been almost 4 years she's been interstate and my husband has made no effort in keeping in touch with her, despite my constant efforts I can't make him do anything... We now have 2 sons, my husband occasionally Messages his daughter on FB but that is about it.
My issue is last night my husband asked if she would like to visit and see her brothers and him and myself to which she replied there's some people in life you will never like nor get along with and your wife is that to me whilst you remain with her you will not see me.
I admit to struggling with being a step mother, I was extremely young and did the best I could, with no help of support from my husband, in no way have I stopped her father contacting or visiting her... I've tried my hardest to get him to maintain his relationship, is this normal behaviour from a 15yo girl? I feel devastated to say the least and feel like it's yet again driven a wedge between me and my hubby. Am I over reacting? My husband wrote back to her saying I understand darl but it would be nice to have all my family together occasionally but if you don't want to that's ok. Is he accepting this nonsense becAuse deep down he doesn't want to face reality that it's infact him she's angry at but it's easier to take it out on me????? Helpppp.
4 Replies
this is such a hard situation. All you can do is wait, one day she will realise you aren't the problem, it was her father. It would be so much easier for her to blame you for him not contacting her. She would also be insanely jealous of you and your kids because you get her dad and she doesn't. I understand her not seeing her dad was your choice, but he needs to realise not to blame you to and put that on your marriage or it will do unrepairable damage. I have no advice on how to do that, but seeing a counsellor separately and together will most likely help this.
Honestly it sounds like your partner and his ex have you way too much on your shoulders and have really dropped the ball. Unfortunately the step daughter is too young and immature to understand what really happened. As she ages and experiences caring for kids herself she will start to understand. It also sounds like your husband has not really asserted himself in his relationship with his daughter anyway, which his daughter would be well aware of.
Don't let it eat you up. The entire situation was handled badly by both the parents. They sound like selfish people.
Thank you so much, I want nothing more than my husband to see his daughter and our sons to grow up knowing there sister. But for so long I've been used and abused by my husband and his ex, I've always insured she never missed out come birthdays christmas ect, but after years of no respect, or appreciation I gave up doing everything! I don't remember the last birthday / Christmas present my husband brought for her. We have SEPERATED several times because of this whole mess to which my step daughter voices how happy she is and goes out of her way to praise my husband for not being with me.
I can't keep doing it. I was raised to respect everyone, adults especially.
I just hope one day she understands it was not me the ruined her relationship with her father.
I also hope my husband wakes up to himself and try's to mend his relationship not only for his daughter and himself but our sons.
I was thinking of writing my step daughter a letter but I think that would make things even messier.
It's eating at me every day :(
This is similar to my situation so i totally feel your pain. My step daughter is now 18 and I have done full time parenting of her 7 years along with her brother (no kids of my own). I'll admit I was harsh discipline wise (cause her father never was) but I always tried to make xmas, b'days, holidays, ect. special. Tried to instil life experiences like getting a job & paying for repairs to her car (that we brought), cleaning/helping & generally showing respect... All with a fight between her & I or me with her dad. STRUGGLE STREET MUCH!! Now she has recently moved out, on drugs, lost her licence (that cost us a lot of $$ to get, not to mention effort) & telling her father it's because of his wife's mental torture over the years that she doesn't feel comfortable here to visit. She won't tell us where she's living or working, hooked up with an unemployed loser. Many many tears I have shed over my failure to have a relationship with her & as a step mother but I am now trying to concentrate on her brother who is totally the opposite in personality, not self centred at all, coolest kid. Here's hoping both these girls one day realise we aren't the bad guys & know how much they hurt us. Most teens are selfish & your husband probably wouldn't have gotten anywhere sticking up for you, even if he should have. I think a letter would fall on deaf ears but write it and keep it as therapy &/or for you or to show your husband. The advise I'm getting is to just take a step back & not let the guilt eat me up. She is making her own choices & I can't live her life for her.