I'm a feeling a little lost as to what I should do. My partner of over 9 years has a problem with alcohol. He tells me I'm the one with the problem. I don't drink, well rarely to be completely honest.
We have had many arguments about how much he drinks and how often. I would have to say that he is drunk at least 4 nights a week. More and more lately he is literally falling down drunk. He will promise that he will curb it and of course it never happens. I'm just so disappointed, in myself and in him.
We have 2 children who are beginning to notice how upset it is making me and when their father is having one of his drinking sessions they will ask where he is and I'm finding it increasingly difficult not to just tell them their father would rather be in his garage drinking than be with us. I haven't said it to them, but that's how I feel.
My partner is in his mid to late 30's, doesn't have stable work, we struggle to make ends meet. Yesterday we were down to our last $80 before he gets paid in another 2 days time and he spent $50 of it on beer, to which there is almost nothing left already. He lies about drinking constantly, goes out for a couple of hours and comes home already on his way to bring drunk, when I ask him if he has been drinking he will deny it and verbally abuse me, calling me all sorts of horrible things, I am very rarely wrong, I know when he has been drinking. I'm not perfect, I'll verbally attack him in return. I've tried talking rationally when he is sober, I've yelled, screamed, cried, attempted to leave, nothing makes a difference.
His family are really not interested in helping and mine aren't aware of the extent of the issue. I feel I have no support.
Do I walk? Do I stay? I know what I would be saying to others in the same position, I never realised how difficult it is when you're the one in this position.
Any advice? Experience?
5 Replies
Walk away! You can't make someone get help and stop doing something if they don't want it.
Unfortunately it often takes hitting rock bottom before someone will get themselves help. :(
Staying won't help him, leaving might not help him but it will help you and your children. At the very least you'll know you and your kids are safe and know where your money is going.
I left my ex who is still bitter about it.
He lost his family because of the drinking. If he can't understand that this is effecting you then I would show him how much it costs to feed, clothe, run the house. Then tally up personal costs you enjoy (coffees.) Then tally up petrol and child care fees.
Say without the alcohol, this is how much we would have left to save.
If he can't understand that, he's got a huge problem and you will have to decide what you want from the relationship.
Yes I have been there, not so much with my husband abusing me but he would drink until drunk nearly every night. I hated it!!!! I used to cringe every time I heard the next can open. One day before he opened his first can I started to cry, he knew I didn't like that he drank as much as he did but I was never the one to bring it up when he had already had way to many. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I couldn't see him drunk anymore!! I hated it so much that I would feel sick at the fact that he was going to come home from work and drink until he went to bed. He then realised that he could loose me because of his drinking, he still has a beer after work everyday but he isn't drinking until he drunk.. I know how you must feel, you have to talk to him when he isn't drinking and explain how it's effecting your life! If after that he still won't stop the only option is for you to leave, you can't live this way sweet heart it is not fair!!
I left my husband who is been with for 19 years due to his drinking. It wasn't so much the actual drinking, but his behaviour when drunk. Like your partner it was numerous times a week. I would be walking on eggshells every time he drank, waiting for the verbal abuse, put downs and belittlments. He'd also spend his last $ on alcohol while I struggled to pay the bills. I ended it when I found him sitting in his car drinking and he started abusing me. I locked his ass out and that was that. This is 8 weeks ago and I'm so much happier already.
We went to counselling where his alcohol abuse was the biggest concern. We agreed he would go 3 months without it. He barely made it through 4 weeks.
If your not happy, and especially if he's abusive, my advise is to leave. If he loves you it might shake him up enough to see he has an issue and to get help.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do xx
Oh you could have been writing my story! Except my ex was drunk almost every night! My advice is go!! You need to for your sanity and your children. He will keep doing it because he knows there is no consequence but soon he will loose it all. Give yourself a break and separate for a while he will either pull himself together or not. Alcoholis are selfish people they only consider themselves not hoe they will effect those around you. It has been a year since I left my ex and the kids and I are doing well while he is still stuck in an alcoholic rut but we are still good friends just can't be together it is too toxic. He might sort himself out but I'm not holding my breath.