Sorry for the long story, I will try to keep it short. My MIL has been through a lot in the past couple of years with her long term partner passing away a year ago from cancer. She has been surrounded with plenty of support from family and friends. My partner is there wanting to help his mum to ensure she is set up both financially but also comfortable in her new home (first time living alone). Though what is becoming apparent is that she has never been an independent person, always having to rely on others, or just sweeps things under the rug being a damsel in distress and people having to run to her aide to fix up her mess or this is how she expects people to act for her. Even her ex-husband (whom is my partners biological father) although they all have a wonderful friendship thinks she has gone a bit nuts. She does suffer from what appears to be anxiety and my partner used to be patient and talked her through her options etc. But she won’t take control or advice and do anything for herself and instead sit and complain that nothing is being done, and on the other hand saying that she is doing everything. She won’t seek counselling and has lied about doing so in the past, so forget that option. She is still a very fit and active 60 year old, so she is not incapable of running around and doing things for her and still has a part time job. Though the issue is, my partner is now becoming increasingly frustrated, and every conversation is ending in an argument when they used to have such a good relationship. There is only so much he can do, but when he will asks her to do something, she is too busy. But she will constantly call him and expect him to drop everything and do something for her. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there any advice on other approaches to do get her to realise that she needs to take control of her life and help those who are trying to help her? She will blame the world before realising it’s her responsibility, but how can we turn that light on and make her realise that?
3 Replies
You have to stop giving her the safety net. She acts like the damsel in distress because it works for her and people fall into line. Until everyone stops and sets limits then she will continue to do this. If she can hold down a job then she can manage her own finances etc. if she stuffs it up, don't bail her out, that's how you learn, by making mistakes and fixing them. Yeah she might not be living in the way you all hoped for, but it's her life. Tell her it's her life and to sort it out herself, as she's an adult.
5 yrs ago my FIL died of cancer. It was a long 3 yr battle that eventually claimed his life. He left behind a house, mortgage, my MIL, 4 kids the youngest being only 15 and two grandchildren. The whole family was broken and it took years for us to be better my MIL was the worst after the funeral and all the extended family went back to their daily things and everyone stopped checking in on her was when she started to spiral downward. She really just needed to check out to mourn. It was pretty bad my husband is the oldest child and we took over the house, cleaning, food shopping, mortgage cooking even carring for his siblings. She just needed time to grieve it took about 6 mths for her to come to the realisation he was gone and to start rebuilding her life. Each person grieves differently and sometimes ppl just need to check out and have someone else make the decisions in their life for alittle while.
I found myself in this exact position with my mother when my father died. I the end I was ringing her 3 times a days and visiting her every day. Then three years later I found myself feel extremely suffocated by her. I understand that people grieve at different rates and in different ways but I also know that people shouldn't take other people down with them in their own grief process.
Three years after my father passed away and a particularly difficult 2 months where she lived at my home when she was unwell when she moved home I stopped everything I had previously been doing for her on a daily level. It forced her to let her friends back in and it brought her out of her funk slowly. On reflection I think I had been enabling her continued expectations by giving in to her emotionally exhausting demands on me.
These days (another 3 years later) my sister and I are the ones to do everything for her. From dealing with her finances to sorting out her "affairs". We get all her negativity and almost weekly she will have a go at one or the other of us for some thing or another. Our brothers refuse to visit her unless it is an occasion. None of us have the same relationship with her that we did because of her treatment of us over the past 6 years. We love her because she is our mother but some days even that is hard to do.
Having been there and suffered hugely myself I agree with another post that says you have to stop giving her the safety net. By all means don't cut her off and still do what you can but kindly give her the message that she needs to start relying on herself. There are things you don't need to be doing for her.
I don't think people need counselling for grief but they need to not let it consume them so much that it ruins what they have with the loved ones they have left. Losing a loved one is hard and it can take a long time to recover ... if you ever recover!