I'm feeling a little insecure and before you judge, nothing is wrong with being insecure as long as you acknowledge it. Telling someone to grow up is the same as saying that their fears are nothing.
A few years ago I had put myself out of my comfort zone and started dating again. He was a nice guy and we seemed to be serious about each other. Both of us had a child from a previous relationship and so we also had some common ground.
Perfection and bliss weren't to last. The cracks formed and I knew something was wrong. That funny feeling in your tummy that makes you uneasy. Not exactly fight or flight... but it's still there.
I confided in my parents after one particular red flag came up and they just said that it was harmless and I was just being stubborn after not being in any kind of relationship since my child was 4 so 5 years and they said I needed to relax, to just "let go," and realize that life can be shared and a new journey etc.
So my suspicion of seeing him text someone with the words "hey babe" and his constantly telling me that he was trustworthy, saying that his ex put him into significant debt, saying that he wanted me to be his life partner in the whole traditional stay at home mama style... One day I noticed his ex girlfriend posted a cartoon of a couple sharing the bed with a dog with the dog progressively taking over the bed. She said "remind you of a certain someone? " I tried to pretend to not be one of those ggirls who is possessive but I almost lost my **** over it. I said nothing but mysteriously the post was deleted and I later thanked him for considering my feelings.
Then there was another post saying he was spending the night with a friend who had tagged him into it. My partner never said anything about this and as a truck driver, he goes everywhere. His friend was a lady. I definitely asked him about her. I just wanted to test the response of staying there. I casually bought it up and he automatically went berserk defending the friendship that I had nothing to worry about it etc. I was suprised. I said that I would love to meet her as obviously she sounds like a close friend and I had only met his work friends and never heard of her before.
I then found a prescription medication script. He had told me he was on some meds and asked me to get a refill. The script was in another name. I asked him about it and he admitted that his legal name was the one on the script and he uses the other name. I couldn't understand why the banks would issue three loans to someone who couldn't afford to pay them with out two imcomes. He admitted that he used one loan in the name I knew him as and the others in his legal name.
At this... Things moved very quickly because it was Christmas and it was a busy time for us all. It was 11:30 pm Christmas Day when my phone vibrated.
My heart sank. In a lifetime event, he was tagged by another woman as being her partner. I confronted him but he refused to answer my calls. He then said in text message that he was going to tell me Boxing Day etc.
I know I dodged a bullet which is great but I am still incredibly hurt. It's been 18 months.
I wasn't always a jealous person or suspicious of others. I have little faith in orders and once where I gave a benefit of a doubt, I can't now.
It hurt so much that I felt exposed and vurnerable. It bought a lot of hurt from my child's father back and I didn't feel strong anymore.
I don't understand why he could have done this. He doesn't care. I think he is a con artist and just realized that I wasn't behaving the way he wanted so something better came up.
I dont want to feel so dirty, used and stupid anymore. I also don't want to be the jealous, suspicious, angry bitch anymore who is looking others up and down by their flirtatious behavior and call them out even if it is innocent. I want to stop being so passionate and argumentative in my opinions, especially on facebook post articles on the Duggars and how screwed up they are.
I just don't know how to become the full person as I was before and I don't know if I can be the same again.
:-(
1 Replies
Oh honey, I get it. You need time to grieve. Of course you feel hurt and angry and taken advantage of. It takes time to recover but if you feel like your stuck don't be afraid to seek some counselling for yourself.
I found myself a psychologist who taught me to trust my judgement. To not ignore red flags and help me recognise dick heads early on enough that I didn't get overly involved with guys who were just shitty.
It does get better