mother in crisis. feelinf like a failure.

Today has been another hard day a day were I feel I've done the best I can yet still a failure.

I dropped my son off at day care went to work while my partner sat at home playing video games. My house is a mess it never use to be this way but I just can't keep up. The day came to an end I picked my son up and was told he had a fantastic day.

Turns out after a gift my son have me that he spent most of the day in the centre directors office with her. He had used her envelopes and staff card and that's when I knew something was a miss and asked him. His story was he wanted to help and the teacher yelled at him so I rang the centre and asked why they hadn't told me he was in the office. They said because it was nothing to focus on the positives and it was dealt with there. My son has considerate behavioural issues and I blame myself I always tried to be the perfect mother I come from a terrible childhood and we are linked in with support services yet I feel if home life wasn't always so difficult then maybe life would be easier for that I blame my partner and my then I blame myself.

My partner has severe bi polar, he is great father but can't hold a job, doesn't help around the home and believe me I have tried part of his bi polar is he goes missing for days, he cheats , acts like his still 16 and drinks, and party's his mates are all younger than him and meanwhile I'm trying to live a mature adult life. I have no family support.

After phoneing the daycare centre I find out my son as expressed fear about my current pregnancy as I've lost lots of babies our son is very smart and despite trying to hide the pregnancy quickly found out we spoke to him about not telling our friends and just taking about the baby at home for awhile. Yet he told everyone at school. He tells his teachers at school things he won't tell me and this hurts I can't understand why.

Then I feel quilty sometime I think it's because in my most imperfect moments and pure frustration after being called to come and collect him for many school out hurts, hitting teacher etc I have smacked or hit him and nothing I am proud off I have spoken to our counsellor about this and we have tried.everything to help his behaviour he has had behaviour problems from a very very young age.

Tonight I lost it with him again and then I hit my lowest point were I've just sat and cried. I'm so embarrassed. I think I actually have began to resent my own family yet I know I love them so much.

I 've tried everything that I don't even know were to turn, I don't have many friends but they have. Such different life's whenever I reach out I feel judged.

I'm thankful this sisterhood is here this very moment I know I'll be judged but right now I have nowhere to turn and could feel any worse of a mother.