I see a lot of questions on here pertaining to children from parents who are no longer together, and the comments section can get quite heated. I've seen lots of generalising and assuming, as well as criticism of the 'other' parent's behaviour. So I just want to make a point that is important to keep in mind.
I want to preface this by saying - I am a single parent to one 7 year old son, and have been his full-time carer since his Father & I split when he was 6 months old. Before that I was married to a man who had two children by two separate women - I was with him for 7 years. So I have experience as both the step-parent and the parent in difficult parenting situations.
So now I want to tell you a story - but I'm going to tell you the story (and it's a true story) from both parent's points of view.
This is the story the Father has told of this situation:
My wife & I separated because she's a total psycho. She would only let me see our son for a 3 hour visit once a week. Then when she found out I had moved on with a new woman, she didn't let me see my son for 3 months till I took her to mediation and MADE her let me see him. What a bitch.
And now the Mother's version:
My husband & I separated when my son was an infant because he left me to be with the woman he'd been having an affair with since early in my pregnancy. He only wanted to see our son once a week on his day off, which I agreed to. Our son was only 9 months old so I would breast-feed him, take him to his Father's, leave him for 3 hours, then pick him up in time for next feed. I had to do the travelling as my ex-husband refused to buy a car seat. One day I turned up to drop off my son at the apartments where my ex was living, and he wasn't there. I asked his neighbour if he'd seen my ex, he said he moved out weeks ago. I asked if he was sure - he said yes, he helped him move his furniture. 10 minutes later my ex turned up, pretended he was still living there & said he was out getting some groceries. I told him I knew he had moved and needed to know where he was living before I could hand over our son. He refused, said he'd moved in with his girlfriend and she didn't want me to know where they lived. Turned out she had absconded with her kids from another city and didn't want her ex-husband finding her. I told my ex he could only see our son if I knew where he was going to be. He still refused. So after getting legal advice I booked mediation - which took 3 months to come around - at which he finally revealed his address and we agreed on visitation from that point forward.
The point here is: There are always two sides to a story, and you will never know which is more truthful unless you know the people involved very well. In this particular story, of course, I am the Mother and I can assure you that things happened exactly the way the Mum's version happened above - but everyone on the Father's side of things believe him. And really - it's a common story, right? The replaced wife takes out her wrath on the suffering Father who only wants to see his child, thinking nothing of how it impacts the child. It's an easy story to believe. But those important facts from the Mum's version make a HUGE difference - yet are so easy for the Father to leave out of his version.
So just remember - what you read here is one person's version of events. They may be 100% accurate, they may be lacking details - they may be completely one-sided and inaccurate. So try not to place judgement when offering your experiences or advice - and I don't say that because I'm only worried about the feelings of the person asking the question. There are plenty of other people who read these messages who can relate the situation back to their own life, and perhaps they start questioning their own choices and feeling that they would be judged if they ever spoke out or asked for help. That's not a good thing. Let's be a little more understanding because none of our lives and none of our choices are without flaws - and we all hurt the same as everyone else. Have a great day, everyone <3
3 Replies
Well said
Thank you.
I too, am in a similar situation as yours.
There is always more to the story.
Very well said.
It's funny how when something is very one sided people will often hand out the wrong advice to, unfortunately in this wonderful community we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
I know my ex blames me for not allowing him to see our kids because I am just a total bitch. Truth is - he was abusive, used my kids as pawns in his games, and a drug addict. Funnily enough most people who know both me and him (I say most as there are ones who don't voice their opinion) always tell me how wonderful it is that I got my kids out of there and how great they are, and pass judgement on him for his own actions, that's with out even knowing about the abuse or using the kids against me but just from knowing him and what he is like.