I am completely and utterly lost. My husband is an ice addict. I love this man to bits.
We're currently separated, at 1st I had no idea what he was doing, a few weeks after we separated, when we were able to sit and talk properly he confessed it had been going on for some time, and then it all started to make sense. The sleepless nights, the days of sleeping, the snappiness, the confusion, the paranoia, the inability to show empathy, the nights of not coming home. This wasn't the man I loved and married.
After the confession came the "I'm going to beat it". I stand by him, I try and be supportive without enabling. We're still in 2 house. We have kids together. They're only young, I try to shield them from it all. The know dad's not well.
F$&@ I hate this drug. I don't understand it, I don't know how it feels, I'm drug free, always have been. I'm watching this gorgeous man kill himself in front of my eyes. I know he still has to be in there somewhere and some days I see it. I also see and feel how much it is hurting and harming myself and kids. I honestly just don't know where to turn. I feel so alone in all of this.
I know a lot of people would say just walk away, but I don't know how to leave a man that is so sick, who I love, who his kids love and I know he loves us.
Has anyone beaten this? How do you explain it to young kids?
8 Replies
Ok so sorry you are going through this. It's so painful to watch. I have been through similar although I didn't have kids with him which made it easier.
You definitely need to keep living separately. It doesn't mean you don't love the guy but it's the best way to protect the kids psychological well being, your well being and your financial future. It doesn't mean you can't be his cheer squad when he is getting help. It is a long road. If he is the great guy you say he his underneath he will understand the need to keep 2 homes.
The children should never be left alone with him. So only supervised visits with someone who is prepared to pull the pin on the visit if his behaviour starts going off the rails.
I would start separating your financials too. You don't want him spending savings, running up credit card debt to support his habit. Never ever give him money or lend him money.
If you can take him to see his GP to discuss how to get treatment. Also get a GP appointment for yourself because you will need ongoing counselling to get you through this wether your husband gets better or not. It's hard to watch either way.
Once he has gotten clean he will need to be clean for a significant period of time before you even consider moving back in together as it takes a long time for them to learn how to be an adult and make healthy decisions for themselves again it's a gradual process and adding the pressures of cohabitation and fulltime kids can send things out of control fast.
In my situation my guy still has a significant battle on his hands (5 years later) and it took me a long time to learn how to distance myself without abandoning him. It was originally a very co-dependent relationship. I've been working hard on that aspect of my personality. I have started dating now as I realise I can't put my life on hold for someone who may or may not ever be ready for a relationship and if he does get healthy he probably won't be the same person I fell in love with anyway (and I won't be either). I continue to be his loudest and most supportive cheer squad when he is doing what he needs to do.
PS that cheer squad, very much occurs from the distance. Over the phone etc
And I'm not expecting him to recover just hopeful that he will. Although I'm also expecting that phone call to tell me that he has died. Although I'd be sad I've come to terms with that as a possibility and don't live on fear of it.
My ex husbands ice addiction destroyed my family... I also do not do drugs. It makes good people do unthinkable things and unfortunately this particular drug rewires their brain in a way that can not be repaired. Sadly even if they get off the drugs long term affects of ICE are very real. My only advice for you is to stop helping him. YOU cannot do this for him and it is in his hands. It nearly killed me because I am not the kind of person to "give up" but I really hope you see sooner rather than later. Just take care of you and your kids. I wish you all the best.
I have beaten this. I gave my hubby an ultimatum and one chance only. I made him send a message to all of friends that he would lose his family if he touched the stuff again and that we were cutting ties with anyone associated with the drug. I took control of his phone, email and Facebook and made him come home every day after work straight away. I controlled all of his movements for a month or two until I was satisfied. It's been 2 years now and he hates the drug and anyone on it. We are so happy now and family life is great. I don't know how you will go living separately, but good luck. It's very hard but it's not impossible.
Ps, I wouldn't tell the children anything about drugs. And I would also tell hubby that if he doesn't beat it, he won't see his children. Not only is the law on your side there, but it was pretty much the thing that drilled into my hubby what he had to lose if he couldn't find the strength to beat it.
There is hope. He needs to want to beat this, it is really, really hard. I have overcome this myself, I suddenly started getting anxiety attacks, ended up on hospital, honestly thought i was going to have a heart attack. My partner has also been given an ultimatum, he has used his whole adult life. I would not tell the kids a thing, they don't need to know at a young age, I may never tell mine. I am not proud and I thank my lucky stars it started to cause health problems before it claimed me. He needs to want his family more than the drug. I used to watch a lot of online documentaries to try and scare myself and be aware of the reality of continued use. It isn't something you can do forever, eventually it will catch up to you. He needs to beware of his triggers and try his best to avoid them or find something else to do. I really wish him all the best and hope he can overcome this.
I have lived nearly your exact life, and we are on the other side!!!! It's been tough, god it been hard. Hubby goes to NA meetings EVERY SINGLE DAY, cut off everybody in his life, changed his phone number and we moved. I micro manage his money to the cent, and I know where he is 100% of the time. We have NO secrets, even the bad stuff. If you have separated already, get him into rehab, a government run one is fine. If you love him and he's committed to fixing this, stand by him, he needs you. Your kids need you first though. He will always be an addict, it's just managing it, NA meetings, NA meetings, NA meetings, as many as possible as many times a day a week as possible, is the only thing other than rehab that will work. From one strong mumma to another, bless you, and you tell your husband what an incredibly lucky man he is for you sticking by him, most women say run! Don't look back, they don't know what love or marriage really means, good luck and please keep us posted xoxoxoxo
He needs time out and the right support.and so do u and the kids.he needs permission and and a lot of encouragement. I just found a place the kids n I will b safe as he wants to remain at his home with his kids.yet I feel we all need clarification of he self so we can function as a unit in all its forms