Hay there imperfect mums and dads,
I need help. As much as I can get.
I'm 26. 18 months ago I made the decision to leave my emotionally controlling and abusive husband. I left with 2 kids.
At 26 I am now a single mum to two beautiful children. I currently work, and study. The father sees the kids 2 nights per fortnight. But we don't hear from him in between visits.
I feel as though I am failing my children. I feel as though I do not know how to mother correctly. I feel as though they do not listen or have any respect for me. There are no rules or boundaries in my home. I can not even get the 3 year old to bed at night.
My 5 year old has seperation anxiety, and cries every single morning before school. My 3 year old yells at me and screams for his dad.he tells me he doesn't want to live with me..
They both call our home mummies house.. Not, our home.
All these little things are slowly but surely starting to break me down.
I've failed.
They do not want me..
Help.
Wednesday, 13 May 2015 - 20:33
Help.
Posted in:
Health & Wellbeing, Behaviour, Baby & Toddler, Kids
8 Replies
You absolutely have not failed! You got out, you are strong, brave and doing your best. I have no real advice for you sorry. Maybe it's time to see someone, both you and the kidlets. Big hugs mumma x
This isn't really something I wanted to read as I'm about to leave my emotionally abusive partner with my two year old. But you most definitely are not a failure! You are doing the very best you can and I think you really need some help! Can your kids get free counselling? That might help with their anxiety and it might also be a good idea for you to see somebody as well.
I am about to leave maybe.... too!
It sounds like they maybe blaming themselves? I would get them into play therapy or speak to someone and see if you can get them some help. My kids are really struggling and coping my partners behaviour which is now where he has crossed the line. Organising therapy for my 5yo because he sees our cat that he adores being abused. I also have a 2yo daughter. I am working my way up to leaving. You have done the right thing. I think if you can get the kids to draw their feelings in a picture. I just started this.... my son calls it his " memory book". I just said, "sometimes its hard to tell people how you feel so it can be easier to draw it." Before bed I find best. He does start drawing pictures more so. Its good to keep it and show a therapist And for you. It helps for our kids to be less aggressive and more expressive with emotions. Best of luck xx
No you have not failed, AT ALL. The kids just don't understand what is going on and are lashing out at the one person that they actually can! It won't stay like that.
Go get yourself some counselling so you have someone to talk to and can discuss strategies for the kids.
Your ex not calling is actually a good thing. Many abusive men would be trying to maintain control by constantly contacting you and making things more difficult than they are currently.
Your kids are too young to understand that you needed to leave. But you needed to. As they age they will start to put it together. Remember your kids have seen there dad be abusive to there mum and control there mum so it's natural for them to repeat what they see for a period of time.
It won't be like this forever and it really isn't about you at all. And getting back together with there dad in the long term would make there lives so very much worse.
Please go get yourself some ongoing support. Speak to your GP about a mental health care plan, use lifeline as needed.
You can do this.
I could have written this ! Except I've been seperated 6 years.
But unfortunately I still cop "I hate you, I'm going to go live with dad" they use this to hurt me- having no idea how deep it cuts. But in the end I know I only get this from them as Im the one who's always been there, their safe place to fall and vent. You are not failing! We are mothers, we always put ourselves last, we judge ourselves harshly and we are the ones to cop criticism for having to do the boring mundane things. Please hang in there. Xx there is sooo much more than the pain your feeling and some amazing times of self discovery ahead of you :)
Yeah kids use whatever they can to lash out. I used to say I hated my mum and that I was going to run away (and my parents were very happily married). Sometimes we have to realise that these are normal childhood milestones /stages even if they aren't very nice :(
Most kids don't fully comprehend what it is there saying.. Rest assured your children still love you and don't go out of their way to hurt you xx good luck mumma
You are not failing at anything. Failure is when you stop trying! Best advice I can give you is to get a routine and rules and boundaries happening. Your children have no idea why their family has been ripped apart and are no doubt hurting. With rules and boundaries and consistency your children will adjust and start to respect you a whole lot more because you are showing them that mummy is in control and they have you to look up to.