how would you handle this situation? I have a friend who is in a really unhappy relationship. She has told me all about it, as I have also been there, and I tried to help, given my perceptions about it all,having lived through it myself.there's no doubt he's having a free ride and making her miserable.
They bicker and fight in front of me, honestly I want to slap him for the disrespect and manipulation and I really want to slap her to wake her up.
Now I am happy with where I am at ( I've been through hell and did the hard work and now think very differently than I did when I was there) but she is quite judgmental and always tells me, in a jealous and dismissive way that I'm just lucky and my husband is so amazing. It feels like she is trying to imply the way I think and what I am doing in my relationship is totally wrong and I'm lucky to keep and have my husband.
I try to tell her its not luck, I created this. I opened my eyes and demanded no less. If I didn't have a lovely husband, I'd be single and happy, he wouldn't be here. Being where she is, and putting up with what she does, is a choice. But it's still not a nice conversation and leaves me feeling angry and put down pretty much every time I've seen her.
I completely understand she is selfish, the world's hard for her, she's desperately unhappy... She's become quite obsessed over food and nutrition, and is so wrapped up in that it's consumed her as well, so add to it that she also passes those judgments on my lifestyle as well, and compares our children, she dismisses my parenting as though I have an easy child so don't parent, it's all about hers, she actually makes mine say how smart and amazing hers are. She's really quite delusional and twisted sometimes in the way she sees situation.
She does have good points, she is kind and giving, always available and helpful, quite relaxed and funny and likeable when she's being herself. She'd be so great without him, it's really saddening to see her struggle and be affected like this. But she's so selfish, competitive, dismissive and even mean about my life and where I've gotten myself, and her and her partner are such a negative trigger for me. I'm pretty much angry and mad and almost buzzing with annoyance after every time we meet.
I dont go out of my way to see her much. I don't know what else I can do? I'm very wary of allowing myself to be brought down again. protecting my own happiness has become very important to me, maybe just having a vent... Thanks for listening and any advice.
4 Replies
This is so hard. Not the exact situation but I realised I had a friend who was like this, brought me down. I rarely came away from seeing her feeling mentally well.
I just want to say it is ok to put your happiness first. It's ok to let this friendship go. I let my friend go and never regretted it. I bumped into her someplace a year later and she was so happy to see me but the way she acted told me she had not moved on, in fact she had gone backwards and it reaffirmed my initial decision.
I have 2 friends that are very similar to your situation, I'm the go to friend.
They both call me and come and stay over at my house when they are unhappy with their partners, I am happy that they trust in me to tell me their problems and come to me for help but sometime it can be quiet overwhelming. They tell me the same story about why they need to leave their partners and I listen as always and tell them I am not going to tell them to leave their partners or stay with them, their're both big girls and can make discussions on their own. But it getting to the point where I am putting my family on hold to help them and when I'm having a bad day and want to confided in someone I reach out but basically get shut down and pushed aside. One of my friends in particular can criticize me about absolutely everything, stay for days on end without helping with food or cleaning, borrows money than goes back like nothing ever happened.
I want to be their for my friends but frankly am sick of hearing the same stories and knowing that they will always go back, so I can sympathize with what you are going through.
I will still be their for my friends but I think from now on I need to step back a bit and focus on my family and making sure my relationship and children are okay before 'pushing' them aside to help someone else.
Have a friend like this right now who keeps saying she will leave him so I offer help, support to move her etc then she says she has been busy, whatever other reason etc etc then has a go at me cuz I am dating and happy being single (although just found a new man) I have just distanced myself from her, she does my head in and dare I say anything bad about him when theyre 'ok' then im the bad guy but she has no issues calling me at 3am when they had a fight.. Sorry no advise at all here but youre not alone!
OP here, thank you very muc, it's a relief to know I'm not alone and not completely heartless or selfish to feel like this.
I've had the chance to do some reflection and had an insight. A recent conversation where someone said she would never be a victim had me instantly and angrily thinking, no! Don't be so self righteous you're just LUCKY you haven't been.
Well, eyes opened...,my oh my I almost forgot how you think so differently, you are so different from everybody else, they just don't know and don't understand.
So, I've decided I'm going To let her words wash off me. I'm also going to stop telling her I made all this for myself. But I'm still lost as to what's the right thing to say... I just want to encourage her... any suggestions are welcomed.