Hello
I am wondering if anyone has some pearls of wisdom for me?
My dad lives with us and has done for about 5 years. He has his own space thank goodness (we have converted the garage to be a self-contained unit of sorts so he has a fridge, microwave, TV, heater, internet, phone, carpet etc. He doesn’t have his own bathroom (though I suspect he wees in a bucket which he periodically empties on our front lawn – revolting I know!) so he comes inside for number twos only.
My dad suffers with depression, has no real friends, has no life and other than helping with my oldest daughter (running her to and from afterschool activities) he spends his days watching TV and sitting in internet chat rooms.
My problem is he stinks – not just a little bit but I need air freshener and glen 20 whenever he leaves a room as its so bad and when my daughter has to go in his car to an activity she arrives after a 10 minute drive smelling too. His hygiene has always been bad and I suspect is linked to his depression but its never really embarrassed me until lately.
He doesn’t wash his clothes as far as I can tell, nor his linen and wears his clothes day in day out without changing them and I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty sure without exaggeration the last time he showered was October last year when I told him he had to as we were attending a friends wedding and even then it was a very quick splash and back into the same old grotty undies I’m sure. He used to cook once a week for us, but I’ve now got an excuse book full or reasons why we don’t need him to as it was gut turning having to eat the food he’d prepared (notwithstanding the food was often under cooked / cold / burnt).
How do I talk to him about this – I have resorted to buying my daughter a body spray to spray when she arrives at activities so she doesn’t smell and also air freshers which I hide in his car when he’s out, but I’m truly embarrassed that he goes places and people know he’s my dad (whilst at the same time being incredible grateful for his help).
I have a younger daughter and I cringe when he asks her for a cuddle and throw so much food out where his grotty hands dive into the grated cheese to top his pasta for example. Its just foul!
We have explored putting a bathroom in his room for him, but I honestly don’t think that would change anything. In our old house he had a bath room and he never used that either, besides we’re rarely home during the day so he could certainly use the second bathroom in the main house anytime he chose to.
Please help, I feel I need to say something to him (especially as I’m about to have another baby and cannot bear the thought of him touching the baby) but I don’t know how to approach it – the situation is so bad at the moment that I rarely talk to him as I can’t stand the stench and will often quite rudely provide monosyllable answers to avoid prolonged interactions. I don’t know why / how his drs haven’t noticed, he just simply stinks (or maybe they have an they don’t say anything either!).
Thank you
4 Replies
Have you ever told him he smells or is he totally clueless. Maybe drop the odd "dad your a bit smelly tonight have you just gone for a wrong"...if he isn't getting it then I'd sit him down and tell him the truth. Sometimes people just don't realize and I'd rather know the truth and have my feelings hurt then found out everyone thought I always smelt bad and never said anything. It is most likely linked to his depression so you might really need to help encourage him in a positive way. You don't mention how old he is....could you get a carer for him?
I can assure you doctors have noticed. It is very much apart of his depression. I think it's time to take a more hands on role with your dad and move into the role of carer.
Sit down with him gently, tell him you are worried about him and point out that he doesn't seem to be coping with day to day independent living tasks. Tell him you want to be more involved in his care. It's time to go to appointments with him and get plugged in to his treatment plan. Is he taking his medication, is he seeing a psychologist. Is he following his treatment plan.
Discuss with his doctors what sort of in home care might be helpful for him. Your local council will offer cleaning, help with showering etc.
I would say just tell him he is on the nose, he might do it if you just ask him. Can you wash his clothes. Surely a load a week is not too much to do.
Look for a men's shed in your area where older men make toys etc or ask him to do something around the house, give him a purpose.
I would say just tell him he is on the nose, he might do it if you just ask him. Can you wash his clothes. Surely a load a week is not too much to do.
Look for a men's shed in your area where older men make toys etc or ask him to do something around the house, give him a purpose.