Seems like there are quite a few mamas in the same type of situation as me so let me start.....
I have been with my partner going on 4yrs...the relationship has had many ups and downs...MANY!
But for whatever reason we still end up staying together.....why is it so hard to leave a relationship that you know is doing you no good?
Sometimes I think is it because im scared of how id deal financially if I was to kick him out? Is it because ive gotten so use to being with him that being alone now scares me? Dont get me wrong I do have feelings for him, deep ones, but we just cant seem to have a consistently good relationship.
im almost at the point of turning the big 3-0 and I dont want to continue this next chapter of my life like this but also cant bring myself to end it.....what to do? Any advice/opinions is appreciated mamas!!
P.S - he thinks exactly as I do.....loves me but knows it isnt a healthy relationship
5 Replies
I know exactly what you're saying- I have no advice as I'm currently living in one of these relationships!! It helps that you're both on the same page though!!!
Toxic relationships can be really addictive!
Part of what kept me in a toxic relationship was the passion involved. Fighting, making up it becomes a cycle that releases endorphins and even when the relationship is in a relatively 'normal' phase you start craving the excitement of fights, fighting and making up.
It took me ages of counselling to stop trying to repeat the pattern in new relationships and recognise those patterns.
If I knew then what I know now, life would be very different.
I'd head off to counselling for yourself. Start to recognise why you stay, or go back and recognise what you are getting out if this. Because you are getting something out if it otherwise you wouldn't stay.
For me it was because I gave so much of myself that i wasnt even sure who I was anymore... We never ever want to feel like we have failed (as mothers or wives) and bearing someone's child you give a certain level of vulnerability to a man. In return it gives them the same level of power knowing that we "owe them" (for lack of better wording) and it gives them a sense of entitlement. Men are not silly and they know what they can get away with... Sorry was that too honest? Ha ha. Honestly Talk Talk and talk some more... You both sound like you are on the same page with it and it's good that you can admit that let alone to each other. You will know when it's time. I hope you find the answers... Because it is HARD!
Change is scary. Unknown is scary. Routine is easier. Same is easier. People are optimistic. Women always hope it'll get better.. Eternally... Really hoping he'll change not wanting to believe that actually better is not him, it's a different man/ situation.
Because bad rrelationships dont knock us out with a kinghit, they erode us away slowly, each argument, fight, disrespect, on its own is forgotten but over time we get worn down, tired, numb, confused, lost, detached, to the point where even leaving seems such hard work. We dont even see the whole effect such a relationship takes on our self, the absolute damage it does to our soul, wellbeing, our health, our mind, our peace, our other relationships.
How wrong and how sad that it goes that way, but it does. If only it cut and bruised us so we could see the damage in a mirror, I think then many women would leave much earlier.
Change can be difficult but it can also make you stronger. Finding independence again to rediscover yourself may be positive. I was in a toxic relationship with some of the same insecurities when it had ended but finding myself again, helped me to see how lost I actually was and regained my confidence and more.