I moved to Australia a few years ago. The moment i mentioned this to my Mother she never treat me the same. I now have a husband and children and i am very happy here but she does not seem to be happy for me. Now i know people will say imagine how it feels for your mum who's daughter is now overseas but really she seemed to like having me near her so i could do things for her and be controlled by her. For example, i was not allowed to move out of home (at 22) was not allowed to go away for uni, was ignored for months if i had boyfriends she did not approve of etc... When my Dad left her she became very hard work. 13 years later and she still hates to hear his name mentioned and refused to come to my wedding as he was attending!! I think what i am trying to ask/get advice about is whether i have anything to feel guilty about? Should i keep on trying to please her even though she does not do/say anything to please me? Is it weird to have no desire to try with her anymore and will i regret my lack of relationship with her in years to come? Have other ladies here had/have similar relationships with their mums? Thank you....
5 Replies
Sounds to me like your mum has some serious issues and has had for many years.
I'm not sure whether there is anything you can do about it but you certainly shouldn't be feeling guilty.
Don't feel guilty. She is either being childish or she doesn't cope well with change. Either way it's her problem to get fixed. Regardless of where you live, she should be happy that you're happy and not putting aside an old hatred for your wedding was pretty petty on her behalf.
Sounds like your mum has issues with control. The more I see in life the more I realise that we need to be happy so our families are happy. People that really love you want you to be happy. Stop trying to please her, I doubt she will change.
I have no relationship with my father because he brings nothing positive to my life and he only lives a couple of suburbs away. Not only do I not feel guilt about this, I feel happy and relieved that he is no longer in my life.
Congratulations on your move to Australia - I did this a few years ago too and like you have settled here. Your mother sounds a lot like my nana - basically when any of the family does something that doesn't suit her or where she is forced to take a back seat a drama unfolds and invariably someone comes into the firing line, everyone chooses their battalion, you get shot by both sides if you sit on the fence. I think you are making a big mistake to try and continue to appease your mother. You are an adult. Her failure to acknowledge where you have made good decisions for you and your family, her failure to accept your decisions are just that - her own failures not yours. And if you do backtrack to try and appease her you will never be happy because you are trying to keep someone happy who actually has every choice to do that for themselves by taking joy in your decision to move. I would strongly advise you not to enable her. I don't think you are weird for no longer trying - I haven't talked to my nana for 7 of the last ten years. I don't wish her any harm and I don't bear a grudge but I do know she brings nothing positive to me. It's certainly not an easy thing to do and if you can keep a distant relationship with your mother going and it's enough for you then do it - it doesn't have to be all or nothing for everybody.
When I moved to Australia my husband's mother gave me a lot of grief too - she didn't say much to him but she had plenty to say to me about how it was all my fault - now she lives here and rewrites history. I don't make waves where I don't need to and I keep the relationship open for the sakes of my husband and son but I haven't forgotten her performance and it has damaged our relationship more than I think she realises. My grandmother on my dad's side was devastated when we moved and she tried to be ok with it - eventually I distanced myself because she would try to crush me with guilt every time we spoke - I wrote to her for nearly a year instead of calling. Eventually she called me and we had a long conversation where she admitted that my moving away had been a mch harder blow than she had wanted to admit to me and that she had obviously failed to keep it to herself. Now we speak every couple of weeks on the phone - it took a couple of years but now she will openly say she is glad we moved because she can see the life we have now is better and that we have more to offer our son here. Our relationship is now better than ever.
I guess in a nutshell I am saying that it is probably best for you to create some distance - it may be temporary and it may be permanent - be prepared for either case. The bottom line is if you try to live your life in an attempt to please someone else you will never be happy - that's not always easy but the alternative is much harder in the long run. Your mum needs to take some responsibility for her own happiness.