How would you handle your adult daughter being with someone you despise, someone you know doesn't treat her right and snaps into violent rages all the time, someone who is a known "ex" junkie but your daughter doesn't believe he is still doing it because he is so good at lying. How does one deal with that when there is a baby involved?
7 Replies
oh! tough one!!
Once they are an adult, there is little you can do.
I had a deadbeat boyfriend, smoked weed, had serious serious jealousy/control issues to the point he would hide camera's around the house, follow me when I went to work (he didn't work, too busy smoking pot). I wasn't allowed to wear a V neck T shirt, because when I bent down, someone might see some cleavage!
Mum tried everything to get me to dump his sorry ass. I had 3 kids, and had been with my husband for 10 years, and initially this guy made me feel great. So I was in my mid 30's.
Anyway, long story short, all Mum did was stress me out and make it 10x worse. She tried emotional blackmail you see, told me when my ex hubby had kids away at his parents place that he was going to kill them on the way home in the car because he was so upset and I just had to leave my boyfriend to save my kids life. Seriously! She said this. I was a freaking wreak!
Anyway, the relationship just had to run it's course, I had to be ready to say goodbye. ME. No one else. And I did, I am too grounded and common sense to put up with his crap long, in fact the relationship lasted only a year.
I knew for a while it had to end, I just had to be ready. I guess I will still getting something out of the relationship, I needed, although I have no idea what!! lol Maybe it was the amazing sex :P but anywhooo.. lol
So I suggest just making sure she knows you are there for her when the shit hits the fan. That you will help her any way she needs when the time is right for her to leave.
Sorry I can't be of more help and put your mind at ease :(
Drop subtle hints about you thinking he is still using. If you do it right she will be curious enough to go snooping. Be supportive and let her learn her own lesson. If you think that there is domestic violence happening tred carefully, call up the hotline and ask them for advice. If you try to push her away from him and he has a grip on her you run the risk of her not talking to you when you can be looking out for her and being able to keep her safe. Be a mum but also a friend, be the shoulder she can cry on or the person she can talk to.
I agree with dropping subtle hints that he's still using :-) It will plant the seed. I have just got out of a 7 year relationship (married 3) and in my opinion junkies are not good at hiding stuff... Never put her under the pump by pressuring her, she needs to make the decision. I was only married a year when I found out my partner was addicted to ice/meth and still stuck around to "work things out". Ridiculous as it sounds I was embarrassed as I have parents that are still to this day and madly in love! That's what I pictured when we married. Guess what I'm saying is there will always be the time in which she believes she's the one to help him but she will learn in her own time. Hard times are what we learn from I know it's not what you want to hear being a mum but just be there when things crumble because they will and she will just want her mums support! Best of luck...
Keep your relationship with her open and supportive. If it were me I'd say it just once and get everything out in an unconfrontational manner, that you're worried about her safety and the babies, that you don't believe he isn't using, that you struggle to trust him when he's done nothing to deserve it as yet, as well as any other concerns... then drop it. If you harp on about it she'll see it as nagging and be more likely to bolt. When she's had enough make sure she understands that you're her safe place to come back to.
Unless you have prove that he is using, say nothing. Chances are your daughter knows more about things then she is letting on. The best thing you can do is be supportive n except him. Because if u don't it will only push her away n if he is everything your scared he is, eventually she will need ur support.
also"ex junkie" or not he deserves someone to love n he deserves a chance to better himself. He may not have had any reason until now (ur daughter) to change. Believe in your daughter as she might already be putting things into place to change things.
I really feel for you - I walk the same path daily. My daughter is once again going back to the father of her children after he has been released from jail again for beating her. Sadly there is nothing you can do but sit and wait and hope that she eventually sees the truth. With children involved you need to keep a close eye on the changes that the children may start to exhibit. If you are worried about the safety of the child make a discreet call to your department of DCS and ask for advice - you do not need to give them your name or any identifying details. The more you try to change the situation, the longer the situation continues. I now will not do anything to help her see him - I will not babysit, I will not put fuel in her car and I will not give her money to enjoy activities with him. When the children talk about Dad I will not interact and I regularly talk about bullying and why hitting is not acceptable - hopefully planting the seed for their future. Best of luck and maybe try talking to a therapist to help arm you with coping skills
As said before it's a difficult one I myself have come to realise how much pain and stress I have cause my mum being in this situation. She has to want to leave herself and from personal experience I found the more my mum pushed for me to leave him the more I wanted to stay. Yes there are children involved and yes you love and care for them but at the end of the day they are her children. I have only now come to realise that she was only doing it because she cared. You need to be there with open arms when she does eventually leave. I have left and gone back so many time it's not funny it wasn't until the reality of docs knocking at my door that I had seen the whole picture. My children are my world and I would never jeperdise losing them and when I was confronted with that it had instantly snapped me out of whatever it was I was in DV is a viscous cycle and not an easy thing to get out of. For someone that has never experience it, it's easy to say just walk away and leave him but it's not as simple as that. I've still got a long way to go before I will ever be 100% again but as they say time will heal all pain. Hopefully you can help her by just being there for her emotionally when her world around her falls apart sometimes that's all a daughter wants from her mother. As a mother with a daughter who is almost 12 I too am now wondering how I will deal with the situation if it ever happens with her. Fingers crossed she will meet one of the nice ones!