I have a 7yr old daughter who has always had a strong independent personality. We have recently had another daughter (now 1) and I'm pregnant again (due in 9 weeks). Over the past 2 or 3 weeks she has lost all respect for any adults, she will throw her self on the floor when we ask her to do simple things like brush her hair. She speaks to me the worst, like crap. We understand that it would be hard for her going from an only child to one of three in a short space of time but we also need to let her know that it's not acceptable to treat people that way. We have tried time out chair, sending her to her room & taking toys away. It's getting to the point where I don't want to spend time with her because it will completely stress me out. We can't take her to the shops because even the quickest trips turn into major tantrums. I know she can be well mannered and well behaved, she has proven this many times before. How do I get through to her? I feel like I have failed her, even though we have always made respect and manners a major priority bringing up our kids. I feel even worse that it's making me not want to spend time with her. If an adult treated me the way she treats me I would have nothing to do with them though.
6 Replies
Sounds like she may need some one on one mum and dad time, love and care. I am sure you give her lots of love, care etc, but when she has been an only daughter for 6 years then suddenly there is a baby and soon another that take up all her precious time with you (and dad). I would think you should have time alone with her, take her to the park, take her shopping or out to lunch, then send dad off with her to go fishing or bike riding. Try and aim to have half a day each (at separate times) throughout the week with her. Also might help on a Friday or Saturday night, put the 1yo to bed, let her stay up another hour and all (mum, dad and daughter) play a board game, watch a movie with pop corn or read books. Don't bring yourself down, it is hard being pregnant and people wanting your attention, you may also be reacting differently while pregnant. good luck x
I agree with the above comment but wanted to add:
Today I read an interesting article about why being the oldest and first born is hard. One key point that I came away with was to remember that your daughter is still only 7. She is just a kid and to place adultt expectations on her purely because she is the eldest is denying her a proper childhood and setting her up for all sorts of issues in the future.
So while her behaviour is no doubt terrible at the moment remember that she is just a child and may be having problems dealing with her own emotions regarding adding another child to the family. Try to look at it through her eyes and imagine how it is affecting her.
I agree with this.
When I was pregnant with my 3rd child middle child, my back went and I could no longer pick miss middle up. I also was a little more distant with her as I was trying to prepare her for the fact I'd be busy with a bub. (stupid looking back)
Anyway, her behaviour went from really good to bad and when bub came, it got worse.
I tried cutting out preservative 282 and other diet things, I took her to a homeopath who said it was her not me, that I was a very natural Mum. But was unable to treat her. I nearly went out of my mind!!
Anyway, fast forward, marriage breakdown, I get a deadbeat boyfriend and I started dropping books (homecare). Due to the fact she was so horrid, I wouldn't inflict her on anyone else, I took her with me, and left the little one at home with Deadbeat.
Anyway, she totally turned around. She is now my most easy child, so happy and happy within herself, confident with who she is, and just centered. At 12, she recently went to Vietnam with school. I had NO hesitation sending her as she is pure delight, confident.
So, I totally agree with the above that she may possibly need some one on one time. However you still have to discipline the behaviour as well. Can't just give all positive. As discpline, I found with this particular child (not my other 2) that a smack worked best as it was immediate and then it was dropped and we very quickly moved on. (redirection).
Time out/naughty chair was the worst as it made the isolation feeling she was dealing with worse.
Taking things away might have worked, but again I feel in this particular case, it can also be seen as too negative/personal for the child already feeling isolated.
This doesn't mean smacking works for every child, in every situation. But I do believe that in certain cicumstances it's actually the least ummm likely to cause feelings of resentment/abandonment/separation as you can so quickly move on from it so it's all about that particular behaviour being diciplined not the person, and right now you really really want to avoid dicipline being seen as personal. -However you achieve that be it smacks, or taking away or whatever is your choice, but that's the principal.
Generally speaking I view smacking as lazy parenting. Yes it can work, but there are other methods that work as well, just take more time. (and for some kids smacking is outright damaging, say if their love language is touch)
I know I will cop flack in this anti smacking world we now live in, but passing on my experience and up to you what you do with it.
Reposted on the facebook group too and hope it helps x
Even just sitting and cuddling with her through a movie. It doesn't take too much. So long as she does not feel the weight of too much expectation.
My son is 7 and is often having many tantrums. We ask him to do simple tasks and it ends with him saying "you hate me don't you" and he has also told me he wants to die and that he thinks I want him to die. Very dark and upsetting, we have tried ignoring it and putting it down to attention seeking but I ended up going to the GP and am going to take him to be referred to speak to someone else just to try and work out what is going on. He is also the oldest of 3. I spoke to his teacher at school and she also agreed it might help to talk to someone.