i need some advice on what happens next in regards to custody. I decided it was time to leave my partner and father of my child, i had always felt it was a domestic violence situation with his need to control and dictate everything as well as emotional abuse. I left while he was at work, with my child and what i could take, sent him a text saying where i was going to be staying and went to my parents house, 40kms away as i had no where else to go.
For the next 3 days i was harassed with an onslaught of phone calls and texts, and was told that i was withholding our daughter from him, although he had work for those days and i don't have a car to use at anytime to just get her there to see him. (and he doesnt have a licence to get here).
I decided that he as every father, deserves time with his child and made arrangements that i would drop her off to see him on his days off. (friday and saturday). I thought i was doing the right thing, but he has now turned around and stated that she's staying at the house we rent as it is her home (we've only been there 5/6 months..) and that he's willing to take paid leave to be able to have her there with him full time, she is school aged and as he does not have a licence, and intends to get her to and from school by walking, school is nearly 3kms away, which i dont think is reasonable for a 5 year old to do twice everyday. he showed little interest in her or helped with any of routine whilst we were together.
I have already been approved of a new rental and can move in on the 22nd. i have been her primary carer since birth, i understand that stability is important. but what can i do between now and moving ? is it more reasonable that she stays with him whilst i get my house and moving organised? will all of this look poorly on me when it comes to getting parenting agreement? me being the one that decided to leave?
ideally i want her to reside with me during the school week as i have routinely been the one to get her ready for school, before and after school routine, have a licence and will have my own car so (he is paying off the family one but cannot drive it, but i was not allowed to take it as it's "his" and in his name etc) and am happy for him to see her weekends and go stay with him every 2nd weekend. what is the chance that it will favour this way? i'm going to organise getting to mediation this week. i just now have so much doubt that i'm doing anything right, maybe i should of just put up with being unhappy for longer.
custody questions
custody questions
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
7 Replies
You are doing the right thing. It can take a while to get mediation organised so may take some time for things to get right. Make sure you go see a counsellor as you will need some emotional support during this time.
You are doing it all right, but make sure you put your effort in now to maintain your primary care. The courts will usually favour the primary carer so if he takes over that role it might be hard to get it back.
You did the right thing with leaving, don't send your daughter back keep her with you she needs to be in a safe environment physically, emotionally and mentally and if dad was inclined to DV then what's to say he won't start the same thing with your daughter.
You are the primary carer. Keep it that way... Her home is in your lap so does not matter where you are. Of course she needs to see him too but hold her tight. I know my daughter needed my comfort when separating from my husband. Sadly they go through it too. Take care.
Do not give your daughter to him while you get your new place set up! My mum left my 12 yr old sister with my abusive dad and he wouldn't give her back. One year later it is still going through courts and mum has much less time with my sister then dad. Abusive men are all about control. If he cant control you anymore, he will use your child to get to you.
You have done the right thing, do not go back and do not let him have your child. Go to the courthouse today and get a temporary custody order so that he can't keep her. He is trying to control you through your daughter, don't doubt yourself, keep on track with your new place and being primary carer. Don't let her stay with him until you are sure he can't keep her. Big hugs you and your daughter deserve better, show her that you and her deserve to be treated well. Remember u are her role model and she will mirror your choices when she is older so break the cycle now x
Get her back, any court or legal person will totally understand you leaving a situation for your safety as you are the primary carer. Police and judges etc are all educated on dv and the effects it has on children aswell as you. It won't look bad on you, not will it that you tried to do the right thing by driving her in to give him access, what he is doing is totally unstable as his paid leave will end and then what? She has to be uprooted again! You've thought it through and are making positive steps. Here is a number for free legal advise to help get you started 1800 244 504.