Hello fellow IM mums!
I need desperate advice. My mum has been raising my nephew since he's been born due to very unfortunate circumstances, he's now
6 years old. She has cared for him so delicately and lovingly and spoils him to a level beyond explanation.
My eldest son is 4 years old and has a very close relationship with my nephew, he looks up to him and adores him. Only issue is he's allowed to get away with everything and anything! My husband and I do
not tolerate bad behaviour and language however it has worn off on our son immensely. When they play together they constantly bully my youngest son and leave him out and he's constantly crying. While our families are together I am the only one doing the discipline to stop the bad behaviour. It wears me out as my son is not so difficult on his own. My nephew hardly listens to anything I say and my mum is always turning a blind eye to everything. My nephews mum passed away when he was a baby and he was also born very prematurely and had needed OT and Speech therapy in all his early years. I played a big roll in all this and have a special place for him in my heart also. The situation is very unfortunate but I feel a child still requires boundaries. Boundaries in which my mum
doesn't believe in. I have had so many outbursts from anger when my kids get hurt from him and she will act accordingly at that present time however leading up to it she turns a blind eye.
I feel my second son who's only 2 has been affected from it all.
I try not to visit very often however my eldest sons attitude towards my youngest still lingers even while my nephews not around.
It upsets me to the core. Any tips on how I can deal with this?
2 Replies
So tough, sounds like your mum is parenting him from guilt (which is a really bad way to parent). Sit down and have a heart to heart with your mum about it. Tell her you are worried and that she would never ever have let you get away with what she lets your nephew get away with. Talk to her about the long term ramifications of how this will effect your nephew eg grow up to be a bully, not have friends etc
Do it from a place of love and understanding.
If your mum doesn't improve then have less to do with your nephew, thats sucks I really know it does, but your own kids come first and its not just about protecting your youngest from being bullied it is about protecting your eldest from being a bully. Maybe get together at playgrounds and more neutral territory so it is shorter bursts of time and less fights over territory
You don't have to be harsh on kids to set boundaries. He's had a really rough start to life clearly and I can understand the parenting from guilt, but having no boundaries is doing him a huge disservice; kids who aren't given realistic limits tend to be the ones who mess up and coming down like a ton of bricks on a kid who has messed up because he didn't know what the rules/limits were is unfair.
See if your Mum is open to some help, look at positive parenting (Aha Parenting is an excellent resource and see if she'll go to a PPP course locally). It's not too late to turn it around and show him how to behave but the older he gets, the harder it'll be. Come at it from a concern for him point of view. Good luck x