Hi.
So, this is more of a vent than anything else, but if you've got some great advice.. Go for it.
All my life I've had issues with my Mum in that I've always been the child to excel in anything I do to try and gain approval from her, from day dot. She's seen this as me being independant and not being the child who needs help with anything.
I quickly realised that this didn't get me any form of affection from her, in fact, quite the reverse. She'll never admit it, but I'm starting to see that she's jealous of me, what I've accomplished and who I am as a person. Isn't this sad?
She came from a strict upbringing, chose to have us children very young (resented us for that), with the support of my father and is only just now beginning to accomplish things, I.e. Study, new car etc. which I'm really proud of her for.
I had a girl in my mid twenties, became a single Mother, have studied, worked my arse off to eventually become manager, lived on my own, bought my car from new, had life threatening illnesses, which my parents wiped their hands of me (too hard basket) and overcome that illness on my own with support from friends where they could.
She's jealous of 'stuff' and I wish she could cut through the layers and just see me. It's not a pissing contest, but she blatantly goes out of her way to make things difficult for me to see me either struggle or fail or blatantly feel unloved. She's not affectionate and shuts me out. Struggle yes, but I'm no quitter and she hates that!
This morning we were at a family function and she took great delight in telling me how her and my Dad and my brother were going to help my other brother with household things. I asked if they'd like me to come too, as Id like to put in a helping hand. She outright said no, we have a nicer time without you there. Silly fool said it in front of aunts and uncles and I have to say... I had great satisfaction in seeing their reactions to her nastiness :). Finally she's been seen for what she is. A nasty bitch. I'm sad for her! It's all about appearances.. Cars, phones, clothes, houses... Stuff. And if you too dont have 'stuff' she doesn't want to know you. shes also majorly judgemental and has no real friends. She blames me for that! Ridiculous! Says people don't want to be her friend because they don't like me. I'm never around her, so I don't know how she figures that. I'm also gay which has reallllly put a spanner in the works. I'm not the daughter she 'asked' for. She's sooo worried about what other peoe think, always has been. She makes a big deal loving up my sister in law because she's 'just like her'.
She also gets off on telling me how to parent my most amazingly beautiful, kind hearted little munchkin. I'm Jack of it. How do I tell her to go get stuffed without myself coming across at her level? I want to be the better person in this situation.
Thanks guys.
4 Replies
Don't bother telling her, just don't contact her anymore! Live your life, pretend she doesn't exist. Stop returning calls etc. the only reason to tell someone is to try and get a reaction from them. If your not looking for a reaction just stop involving yourself with her.
I'd suggest some counselling too. Help you work through the damage your mum has done. Otherwise you'll find even if she us out of your life you will find other people/incidences triggering you.
I support you telling her whatever You need. Sorry but if she is acting so immature then get it out in the open. just tell her how it is...its nothing but the truth anyway.
then move on with your life. Without her.. I recently told my parents I was in an abusive relationship, almost 7years and 2 kids. My dad and step mum turned out to be so unsupportive and made me feel to blame. I am coming to terms with that I cannot and willnot let anyone define my life. They just JUDGE and i am unhappy but they dont give a sh*t and if i am happy they ruin it. So whats the point And that starts with them. Removing them.they are toxic and make no effort. This is the hardest thing I have and am going through. I am still here with my abuser and they chose to ignore it. If he supported me and was a man my dad. I may have left by now.
Anyway sorry my point is remove toxic judgmental people. You dont need them and they dont deserve you.
Xx
My mum was the same, jealous of my independence and how I could stand up for myself and get what I want (from hard work) she use to favour me over my siblings then get my dad to punish me at the slightest wrong while watching and smiling. She died of cancer and didn't even want me there when she died. My family didn't even tell me she died. She took it that far, yes to her grave. Her insecurities not mine.
It's her problem, please don't let it become yours. Rise above and live your own life.
Hopefully she's not as bad as my mum but I'm a fighter:-)
I to have a mother who behaves like this. It's taken 30 years of my life to stand up and not be bullied back to letting her in. The best thing iv done is pack my family up move States and start a new life without my mother part of it. I have purposely not given my new numbers or address to family members who I know will "report" back to her with information. The best advice I can offer is cut her off completely until you are ready to understand your own feelings and take the heated anger out of it. And know what you want to have in a relationship with her. The other posters that are saying you are just like her, CLEARLY have never had to be in your situation and made feel like you have all your life. so any little piece of your mother being court out is only natural to feel a little relieved. that it wasn't just you making up her behaviour in your head! I felt the same with my mother and I was glad when other people did see that side of her. I didn't feel like I was going crazy and making it up! Best of luck and give your self some time to heal.