I need help! My partner and I have been separated for 10 mths. We have 2 girls together. He has been able to see them, talks to them via FaceTime and has them overnight once a month. This was the agreement we came to through mediation and is to be revised again in 6 mths once the youngest is a little older.
We agreed with each other not to introduce our girls to our new partners without communicating with the other parent, so we could be prepared. Which he broke and went behind my back to introduce our eldest to his girlfriend.
I have not yet found another partner and before you all tell me how bitter I am, I'm not. My partner left me for another women which was hard yes but I fine with that. They are still together and just recently moved in to a new house together.
My problem is how do I get past letting this woman near my children. I'm sure she's not a bad person but to me she's the lady who partly ruined my family.
And before you all judge me and say it's about the kids not you, remember I didn't sign up to be a mum part time and have some other women help raise my children!
I know I'm going to have to suck it up but it's just so bloody hard, it literally makes me sick.
I just don't know what to do with myself when they're not here.
I would like to hear from other mums in this position and how they managed to get past it.
I know I should be happy my girls are happy but it's eating away at me.
How do I let go and not feel sick when my girls visit their dad and his girlfriend?
How do I let go and not feel sick when my girls visit their dad and his girlfriend?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Self Care
9 Replies
Sorry to hear about your situation. The only thing I can suggest is to meet her. Then you can get your own opinion on her. Then join a dating site lol sorry I don't have much advise, good luck x
I feel your pain 110%. When my ex cheated on me and then left me for her I was devastated but could deal with that....sharing my kids with her was another thing altogether. He was the one who left...I thought we were a happy family then he changed all our plans and I was the one being told to be an adult and get over it. Where was everyone telling them that when they tore apart not just my world but our kids world too? Its just as hard, if not harder, on kids to get their heads around a break up without having a new person involved as well.
Honestly it does get easier eventually, use the time while the kids are away to get to know and love the new single you. Keep very busy! For me the worst part was the silence in the house so go out a lot and keep distracted. Don't rush into meeting someone new because you are still meeting the new you. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do, its normal to react when someone else changes the path you thought your life was going to take, just don't dwell on that feeling forever as the only one that ends up hurt is you. Sending you lots of love, you will get through this.
It's really hard, I'd make sure I was getting some counselling. You need someone to talk to on a regular basis who isn't emotionally involved in the situation. Use this time as a season of self growth. You will meet someone, but take your time. Everyone who is smart takes 12 months to heel!
I think it's a positive you haven't met someone new yet. Your ex is an arse for what he did and relationships that start the way his did very rarely last.
As to what you do, organise a girls night. Watch a movie, exercise, do the things you did before you had kids. It gets easier and you do start to enjoy your time away from the kids.
Your husband unfortunately was also 50% cause of your break up. A woman can't steal a man who doesn't want to be stolen. Try and look at her as someone else in you beautiful girls' lives to love them :)
My Ex and I split about 17 months ago, no one else was involved. He got a new partner 5 months ago and moved in with her a month ago :/ my kids have an overnight stay with their dad every week our youngest is almost 2. I never wanted his new girlfriend to have anything to do with my kids but I couldn't stop them from seeing their dad they love him too much plus it's a good break for me. Get to know the girl friend (I know it's gonna hurt) tell her of your expectations and how it's up to your ex to be the parent and not her, how your ex is to meet the kids needs ie breakfast lunch and dinner, nappy changes etc I found it helped me leave the kids their without stressing so much. I still don't particuarly like her. It is about the kids though and how they cope not that your feelings don't come into either. I'd personally get some counselling to deal with how you are feeling. Your not a part time mum your a full-time mum who gets one night off a month. It's not the way you pictured it but it is the way it is. And one day a month isn't helping you with much it's just giving you the break you deserve.
I have been in this situation. My exs relationship lasted 10 years and even at the end I was still apprehensive about my children being around her.
I sat back and realized I had to let them go and enjoy some free time. While they were there I knew they were taken care of and safe. That was my main priority. However I don't think those feelings go away. I think you just learn to live with it. My children were 2 and almost 4 when they met. They spent 10 years going there and it wasn't until their dad and she split that I came to the conclusion that I spent so long thinking it was a bad thing when she actually helped me with the kids. She would be the one to call if something was wrong, she would cook with them (I suck in the kitchen) she spent time kicking a ball with them and loved them unconditionally I'm thankful for that.
So my advice would be to take lead from the kids, if they seem happy and well taken care of try not to stress it. Try to enjoy some time to yourself and let the kids know they can talk to you if they have an issue and deal with issues as they arise, don't create issues that aren't there.
Hugs...
Your honesty is heartbreaking. I know this is not what you signed up for, but remember no matter what we never really have control over our life, things can change in many ways for many reasons. I think it's hard for you because it's out of your control and you have hopes and dreams that you still need to come to terms with the loss of that life. Maybe get some counselling to help you. Remember you have a new path now. You might just not be rready for it yet, but it's waiting for you, and given time you will be really happy youre on it. You will enjoy your kids having lots of support and a relationship with their father and whoever is in his life, and you will Really really come to enjoy and like having help and time off because you'll need that time when you're getting busy rebuilding a new and better life. I'd say see a psychologist and they'll help you get onto that path sooner than later, it's no good to mope around and mourn something you can't control. Happiness is waiting for you, just give it time :)
Hi
Don't know if this will bring much ease to yourself about your situation but I wanted to give a step parents point of view.
I am 21 and met my partner when I was 19, he had a then 3 and 1 year old, I didn't have a lot to do with the ex (they were already split up long before we met) and had a rough time starting to get along etc. but through a lot of dedication I kept putting all the bad things she did to me past us and try to get along with her, we now text (more than him and her regarding the kids etc... that might not be a good thing on his part though) we're friends on facebook and when I pick the kids up from her we chat and everything.
I just wanted to let you know that as a step parent in no way do I want to be "mum" to the kids, I simply want to be a partner to my boyfriend and a friend/someone the kids look up to. Some times they call me mummy "name" and I tell them not to because I'm not their mum (they call her partner daddy "name" which my partner hates) and that's why I don't let them call me mummy because I'm not their mum, we all have lots of fun together and I really believe the kids look up to me and love playing and doing things with me.
I don't know where i'm going with this i'm pretty much just rambling but my main point is that we aren't trying to steal your place and be their mum (well most of us I can't speak for everyone) I just want them to be happy and content with the living arrangements.
As for your situation it would be so much harder to cope with as she is the one that broke up your family as you said, but if you're comfortable to move past that stage and create some sort of mutual relationship with this lady then just go for it, it will be extremely hard at first but just push through the awkwardness and get along with her as well as you can (as long as she participates)
Trust me the kids will be able to tell if there is tension and absolutely light up when they see you getting along and having a chat here and there.
I have experienced being in your position and as hard as it is the thing I keep telling myself is to be the better person, I am mum and as long as I'm a better person they will see me as that, as for the feelings toward the other woman I found that to help myself I needed to accept and want to get to know her and be on Atleast friendly speaking terms- purely to help my own feelings (I'm being completely honest but it is how I coped)
I still don't particularly like it, the fact she decorated my daughters room peeves me off but I try just push away those thoughts otherwise it's just a downward spiral and I know it's easier said than done, but I figure if I don't work on myself and my thinking then I'm only hurting myself because they're off being happy (it took me awhile because she wouldn't face me, he kept her hidden and its still a working progress )