Hi Ladies. I'll try to keep it short but will apologise now for the likely essay.
I've always had a very tumultuous relationship with my father. He was a drinker when I was young, and was quite verbally & emotionally abusive to all of us, particularly my mother. He was a chronic marijuana smoker, and suffered quite severe head injuries as the result of an assault. Some years ago I decided to forgive, and attempt a real relationship with him which seemed to be going well. The birth of my son appeared to help that along, as he adored him. My parents then separated a few years ago after Dad decided to leave. Mum's doing brilliantly and has never been happier. Dad went on a downhill spiral. He has the habit of lashing out at everyone when he has a bad day, can get really quite nasty, to the point of screaming abuse down the phone, then forgets it even happened the next day. He went on meds similar to Xanax I think, and self medicated, taking them whenever he felt like it. I firmly believe he has undiagnosed mental illness and I have tried everything to get him to get help, but he refuses to believe there's a problem.
After an especially abusive voicemail one day, I'd had enough and essentially cut him out of my life. I've since had another child whom he'll probably never meet, and he hasn't seen myself or my son in about 2 years. I hear from him sporadically, usually via text message or he'll leave a voicemail because I usually avoid his calls. When I do talk to him, we go round in circles. He's done nothing to change, but I feel like he thinks if he wears me down I'll give in and have him back in my life. Half the time he's barely coherent, I can't even make sense of what he's saying. Twice now he's told me my grandmother was dying in an effort to get me to go there (she wasn't). There is no way I can have that influence around my children, I know that. But I do think of him every day and I alternate between being so sad at such a waste of life, and furious at what a selfish piece of s*** he's been. I think somehow I'm holding on to the slim hope that maybe one day he'll call me and sound....stable. And healthy. and normal. I miss him and I hope he's ok, but I ask myself "how can I teach my children to become strong, secure people if I allow myself to be treated that way by my own father?" I know he's probably never going to change, he's already 54 so it's highly unlikely. If I'm going to be honest, I almost feel like I'm now waiting for the phone call that tells me he's died, either by his own hand or because of his failing health. And I will have guilt - loads of it. I already do. How do I let that go, and get past it and accept the reality that this is probably how it's going to be?
If you've made it this far - thankyou. I'm so lost in what to do, I'd be glad for any and all advice on this one.
3 Replies
I think if you miss him and you would like to have him in your life then that's fine, I would not be letting him around my young children because this is the age they literally watch everything around them and start mimicking behaviours. I would tell him the truth that you do not want him around your kids when he is drunk and verbally abusive and if can't change that he has no one to blame but himself. Maybe you could go see him without the kids once a month for a half hour just to check in on him, tell him you love him and miss him been a bigger part of your life and your hoping he will still change? My dad is in his 50s too and I have a lot of problems with his behaviour (he's a racist amongst other things), I don't let him around my kids because I don't want them to think what he says is okay and go to school copying it, but I do see him because he's my dad and I love him and if he did die I would regret cutting him out altogether but that's just how I feel and how I handle things everyone is so different. i guess it depends how much you're willing to put up with and brush to the side for the sake of a relationship with him.
I had soneone who I've had to cut out of my life for similar reasons. I can't imagine if he had been my dad. It actually took me going to counselling to get to the point where I could let go. I still think of him, and I still half expect a phone call to say he's dead but it isn't painful anymore. Counselling was painful but I'm glad I did it.
Hi, I myself have a father simular to yours. I have learnt the hard way and now he is completely cut out of mine and my boys lives. He was an emotional abuser and would also play the pity card. But I didn't want my kids to have a grandad who comes in and put of there lives when it suits him or even let him emotionally get me down because I found myself taking it out on others I loved and cared about. He's now disowned all us kids and the grandkids which makes it easier but we're only human and will miss our dad from time to time. It just makes me feel human and that missing someone like that makes me have a loving heart. Doesn't mean I want him back in my life. Good luck, it gets easier believe me! Just avoid weddings lol that's when I'm most valuable to the hurt x