I'm really not liking who I've become.
Up until September last year I was coping ok and then got triggered and recalled quite vividly a sexual assault from several years before. It's changed me and I wish I could just forget it and put it out of my mind again but I can't.
I have been formally diagnosed with PTSD, GAD and depression. It's messy. I've been prescribed zoloft and been taking it for over a week.
I don't like me anymore. I don't know how to fix myself. It's not easy. I am really finding it hard to hide my issues or trust others to know. Only a friend knows that I am taking Zoloft. None of my family do. I have hidden the medication..
Part of me is worried about stuff that I shouldn't be worried about. Other stuff thatI should care about I dont. Then I am panicky, tired, stressed, isolated and agitated. Jumpy at sudden touch. I think I see things out the corner my eye. I hate the sensation of feeling vulnerable and out of control. I can panic to the point I shake and cry. I look like a head case because I know I am. Sometimes I can't even get out of the car for over an hour just to buy lunch because I just can't. I avoid people and I just shut down.
I have deliberately isolated myself from friends. My son has noticed that I won't stay or go into his school or talk to anyone. He has said he wants his mummy to be ffriends with everyone again. I just don't trust anyone and then there's the idea some mother will try to hug me and I'll freeze.... a class mate put her hand on my leg and I jumped back so far she got a shock and I could have punched her.
When does it get better? How do I make it stop??
4 Replies
It does get better, it can take a few weeks for the medication to take full effect and even a couple of changes in the medication to get the right one. Make sure you continue to see your prescribing doctor. It is probably a good idea to go weekly to see your GP until you start to gain some momentum in the right direction.
Also don't be afraid to use services such as lifeline. You can ring and speak to someone about how you feel anytime you need to.
It will get better, but it will take time. The medication can take a few weeks (up to 6 weeks normally) to begim working properly. Please keep an eye on yourself in this time as sometimes the first medication you try isn't always the right one for you: if you feel extremely anxious and/or develop thoughts of self-harm please contact your GP or get yourself to a doctor or hospital.
Are you also receiving counselling? The medication will assist with some of the mood issues but it isn't possible to recover unless you're addressing the root cause. A good counsellor will help you work it through and teach you strategies for coping.
Lots of luck and love xx
Are you talking with a psychologist? Your gp can write a mental health plan so you go for free, and it saved me. I was a similar mess and once I started getting help it turned around quite quickly, within 6 months, and I felt more positive within that time as the changes were slowly happening too.
My partner was very much like what you are explaining, he was seeing a GP for years and constantly changing medication, he recently started seeing a psychiatrist and he has since been amazing! She has only put him on the one medication but after a few weeks of taking it she increases the dosage. He now gets out of the house, doesn't have constant nightmares and he is slowly tackling his fears one by one and becoming a much more relaxed person to be around. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist if you aren't already and just take baby steps into becoming the person you want to be.
It won't be easy, but if you surround yourself with supportive, loving people you will get there slowly. Good luck xx