I have an 8 year old stepson that is constantly trying to hurt my 2 month old. Undoing her seatbelt because "you might have a car accident then she will die", or kicking her capsule when she is unstrapped to see if she will fall onto concrete and hit her head. He constantly says things like "I'm going to sneak into your room when you're asleep and kill her with a knife" or "I'm sick of her crying I'm just gonna put my hand over her face until she stops breathing".
My partner thinks I am over reacting to all of this because his son is only 8.. Am I being irrational?
Also he has often punched or hurt his younger brother (5) as well as animals, including a kitten that he kicked into a wall repeatedly until it couldn't walk for hours! Any advice?
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15 Replies
No you are no overacting. I think it sounds a lot like jealously? Maybe sit him down and have a heart to heart talk to him about his feelings and his behaviour and see what's going on. If he won't talk to you then is there another adult he trusts who may be able to talk to him? You need to get to the bottom of this problem before he does hurt the baby, it may not even be intentional but it could happen.
Good luck!
You are not over reacting, you might even be under reacting. It sounds more than jealously to me as he is also hurting animals. This little boy needs to be seen by a paediatrician and child psychologist or psychiatrist. He is showing huge red flags for the future. The behaviours you describe are predictors for future violence 8 or otherwise. This child should not have access to pets and should never be left alone with any siblings. If your partner won't seek help for him it's time to pack up your baby and leave.
Your not being irrational at all! These are serious crys for help. My suggestion would be a counsellor for him and try to work through the jealousy.
It's not easy! I have been where you are with my stepdaughter and unfortunately things turned bad and her mum wouldn't accept there was a problem so didn't get any help. I would be making sure he is never alone with baby even at night when your asleep that he can't access baby's room ( alarm on her door or even string cans that make a loud noise if door opened ) may sound excessive but you can't be too careful, definately try to work on what's happening and why he feels this way and hopefully you'll be able to get to the bottom of it and have a happy family life.
As for hubby, men are often in denial and don't accept how serious things are. Just keep discussing and reporting all comments to him and pointing out that he has a responsibility to protect his daughter aswell as his son
Absolutely not! That behaviour is scary and signaling troubles and should not be ignored. Protect your newborn at all costs ( plus the5 yr old and animals). While you get him help he needs. If father disagrees then he wouldn't be allowed around my baby. That is really scary and age has nothing to do with it.
I'd have a read of this article. This goes way beyond the normal jealousy
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-equation/201104/children-...
Your not being silly. I'd have a lock on the door for the room she is in that needs a key to access it and keep it around your neck on a chain, a baby monitor with a sensor pad and an alarm on her door just to be sure. I'd suggest having the boy seen to by a pediatrician and child psychologist. Make sure there is room between him and your daughter in the car if you can make him sit in the front seat and have her in the back where she is safe. Never leave him alone with your daughter or animals or any other younger child until you have figured out why he feels like this. I've never come accross this sort of behaviour and I'd be shit scared if a child was that hell bent on hurting their little sister so badly.
No not irrational at all! I would be going insane if he undid my child's straps and was kicking the capsule. Especially the kitten thing that is disgusting. He is 8 years old he knows what he is saying, as someone else said often men don't want to accept how serious something is. You need to sit down with your partner and explain that it is not right for an 8 year old to be saying things like that. Yes I understand kids get jealous but this goes beyond that, the kid needs to see a counsellor or physcologist. This shouldn't be ignored I would hate for something terrible to happen for your partner to realise
You need to react more! This child needs help and fast! These are not simply signs of a jealous child at all. You need to protect the other children from him as well. Please don't just take this as an 8 year old being jealous. Do not leave him alone with the other children at all and seek professional help ASAP! Start with your GP and ask for referrals to paediatricians and child phycologists. I'm sorry but your husband needs to open his eyes big time! There are so many red flags and alarm bells going off here, that if you sit and do nothing, someone is going to get hurt!
I agree with the ladies that are suggesting to get him seen too. This isn't normal for him to feel like this in my opinion.
I'd also be laying the smack down on your partner. If he can't see their is something going wrong he should probably be looked at too.
Sorry to say.
Get that child some help!! Is it going to take until he actually kills her for your husband to wake the hell up? Especially if he's harming animals at that young age too. Being 8 is no excuse, he still knows what is right and wrong and he's fully in control on his actions. Please take him to speak to a specialist/psychologist before he harms one of your family members.
Not normal behaviour. If hubby won't listen to you, leave for the night or two when the child is there, stay with your mum or something. Don't put your child's life in danger! How an you protect her when your asleep?? Keep her in your room with the door locked if you can't go to mums etc. but what will you do when she is older? Your husband needs to be serious and get help! First step is make an appt with gp then psychiatrist
Get this kid some help ASAP! That is not normal OR safe behaviour!
You are not over reacting. This little boy needs help and very soon, before he acts on his words. It's more than normal jealousy and really needs to be looked at thoroughly. I'd start with a referral to pediatrician and go from there. Ask your partner how he will feel if his son does seriously hurt the baby? It's better to err on the side of caution.
PLEASE respond so I know you have seen this comment.
My step daughter was the same, and at age 5 she almost succeeded in suffocating my toddler.
We were getting her help through community health, but they didn't have the expertise. DOCS warned that if she hurt one of the other children, they would be removed from our care because we were aware of her behaviour. We never let her out of our sight for more than a few seconds, even to go to the toilet. The first time we decided to give her another chance, we hid and watched to see what she would do, and she tried to poison him (of course we stopped it before he ate anything.
She kicked me hard in the stomach to try to 'kill the baby' I was pregnant with. I ended up having a breakdown because the constant high alert was just too much.
We tried psychologists, family therapy etc, but by the time she was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (not widely known in Australia) it was too late to keep her living with us. She had cut into the baby's leg with a piece she pulled off a toy (seems to have been prepared in advance) while we were right there, and sabotaged an essential piece of medical equipment we had to have at home.
This is only a basic idea but it got much worse as time went on.
Kids with RAD are very dangerous. He's going to need a lot of help, and he may or may not get better (sometimes they just get better at hiding it).
Please be careful.
There is a FB group called Reactive Attachment Disorder Moms where you can get help, information, advice etc.
Previous post seems to have the right experience and see the seriousness of your family's situation. I will pray, joining my prayers to God with yours. Many ways to act in combination for a good result, now and moving into the future. May God Bless and protect your baby and, as the last part of The Lord's Prayer asks of The Father in Heaven - ".. deliver us Lord from every evil." "and grant us Peace in our day, save us from all anxiety.. " Kindest regards, Jem.