Hi .
It is 1.17am and again I am up crying my heart out because I am just not coping and i am literally failing apart at the seams.
I have no coping mechanism left and I can now honestly say I can understand why people kill themselves .
I'm not going to kill myself but I can say it does feel like the easier option right now.
My tank is empty and my fighting spirit doesn't want to fight anymore
I am far from perfect , but I am a good person who just feels like I am being sucked under and I can't be bothered with the swim to stay aloft and feel like I'm drowning.
I am a smart intelligent woman and yet feel so dumb and lost.
I am 35 and have 13 year old boy who is my world and the only reason I am alive and not taking the option of Suicide.
I have survived fought against worst and come out on top and I have lots of positives I can't see or focus on right now.
Growing up wasn't easy for me . I was severely molested by a family member growing up and whilst it stopped at about 13 . I delayed reaction and ongoing problems from this . Of which I sought no help til much later in life.
Fast forward to meeting my son father and having our son.
It felt like the world righted and I was gunna be okay with my whole world now focused around being a good mum.
I buried the problem but didn't deal with it.
We separated when he was 2 and to this day I have maintained a good relationship with his father . His new wife hates me and I don't like her but we put it aside for our son. That being said she is a good step mum and has done right by our son.
When my son was 3 I was date raped and went through the humiliation of court and and won that outcome .
The court took 2 years after the rape to be finalized .
I held it together really well. Well to well actually and had a full nervous breakdown at 31 .
This resulted in me loosing my license (dui when trying to crash my car to end up in psych ward) car home and job and eventually lead to hard decision of letting my son's father provide the stable home in another state to me. To get it on track .
I now have spent years at counseling and on meds and made leaps and bounds .
I got my my dream job an amazing partner and home and car and most importantly my son was coming back full time.
The road had been hard and dark . But I was finally in sunshine an felt like maybe just maybe life was good.
I had my shit together for my son.
Just before xmas I found out my not so amazing partner and love of my life was cheating on me .
It wasn't a once off but multiple woman . Devastated is not the word
He had been my rock And my biggest champion and I didn't see it coming. He was so loving and kind and thoughtful . And so was what my soul needed or so I thought
I was and am still devastated at this loss.
Can't go back as I can't have another man walk over me and hurt me and treat me bad anymore . I will never forgive him and trust him and trust is important to me . I wouldn't feel safe and protected in his arms or lifetime movies anymore.
This hAppened Exactly 3 weeks before my son was due to arrive and xmas I found out my whole foundation I worked so hard was all a lie.
I decided then and there I am nobodies fool and packed myself and relocated to my home town. Thousands of kms away.
The town I was in we were only on for his work options . Miner
Plus my sons dad was also relocating back to our hometown and this gave my son a oppurtunity to have both parents in one town.
Better to walk away .
I was completely and utterly financially wiped out by this move.
My hard earned savings disappeared like nothing
This is a decision I regret terribly as my home town is now to expensive and the basic cost of living is beyond my wage .
And me and my son are about 2 weeks from the street . A power bill due. No fuel and fast running out of food. Phone about to be disconnected .
No one I know is in a position to help us financially and are all there emotionally and those that can help are to selfish to care (my parents ).
I am eleigble for housing. 3 year wait
Applying for better jobs
Looking for a flat mate
I have done the rounds of service providers lookig for assistance and they say I earn to much.
I earnt 45 on paper last year and on track for same this year.
WTF
I wish I never came home as sustaining this is unrealistic .
Now I'm stuck with literally no money and no way forward or back.
I am so scared my son will have to leave me again as once again mum has lost it all.
This would break our son and he wouldn't cope with it of that I am sure.
He has point blank said he is living with me forever and he doesn't care.
He has been a victim of chronic bullying and this has affected his self esteem and education.
I am worried immensely about his mental health and he to is seeing a child psychologist regularly to get help and someone he has that he can talk to
OH IM's I am drowning here and need help .
I am doing everything in my power to try and get on track and I am failing miserably at it .
No advice just a rant and hoping this can help get some sleep.
My counsellor is in the morning but at now 2 am there not there to help.
7 Replies
Oh I am so sorry you are going through this. It seems so very unfair. I just want to say how amazingly strong you are. I can understand what you are feeling as I have felt the same before.
H, I'm not sure if I can help but wanted to try, I'm also sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you're getting counselling because in all that you've written it seems to me that your state is largely emotional / mental. I understand all those circumstances, but, having been through it Myself ( the cheating, trauma, poverty, struggle, moving etc etc) it was only after sorting out the mental side that I got baback on track.
And I look now and my circumstances haven't actually changed.. I have no savings, we're bbroke, it's hard but I look at it so positively. I'm free, single, independent and happy. I'm looking for opportunities, my child is happy, we live in a caravan park ( I know) but it's cheap, stable, and we have our own cute little bungalow together.
But I'm happy with it. If my mental state was how it was before I'd feel immense sadness, stress and struggle About exactly the same things.
I Guess all I'm saying is keep working on yourself. Forget rerelationships until you havE Sorted yourself out truly, not in circumstances but mentally.
You can do it, give it time, but things will change. don't lose hope, this thinking is temporary and can change (with help, and time ) there is a light ahead for you I promise xx
I agree, it is so hard to see the light for the trees when you are in the hole. But yeah, no savings, no significant other, after three years we did get government housing (which comes with it's own issues), trauma etc. Lived in a one bedroom unit (with me on the sofa bed in loungeroom for three years). But I'm happy, not scared, at peace with life and if I do or don't meet the right guy doesn't really bother me because I don't need one to make my life happy.
It was hard work getting to that place though of mental happiness.
Sounds like your feeling very over whelmed. I also get like this sometimes I find it easier at these times to write a list of things that need to be done. Most important at the top. Give centre link a call perhaps they can give you an advance or find a benifit your not currently getting. Also what sort of classified employment are you on if you are part timeor full time you can ask your employer for holiday pay to be paid out which can give you a boost money wise. It's great you are going to counseling but perhaps find someone that wont mind if you call them during the night if this happens again. All the best
Maybe a financial counselor (Salvos are free) could help you find new income sources - gov't or otherwise. They also might be able to help with supported housing. You have done an amazing job getting this far. Don't give up.
i really hope you are feeling a bit better today, and i know the stress of financial hardship. its not fun. call your elec. company and work out a payment plan even if its $10 a week. centrelink can give you advanced payments if need be. also its not nice but you may need to see a community centre about some help for food, vinnies, salvos, a womens shelter or your local community services should all be able to point you in the right direction.
I'm in tears reading this.
My heart is breaking for you. I really wish I could offer you some words of advice or put my hand in my pocket for you... But all I have is a virtual hug xxxxxx